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shanadian Offline
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Unhappy I think a lot of people don't think about this - May 27th 2009, 11:47 PM

But emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse, and the scars can last longer.

I know because I am being emotionally abused and I don't really know what to do. And now I'm stuck because of... well, I'll try to explain.

First of all, there are/were two people in my life. One was my best friend who I "broke up" with this morning. http://forums.teenhelp.org/showthread.php?t=15454

The other is my mother.

My mother was abused too, but I won't go into any details because it's not like I was there or anything.

She can be extremely childlike. She thinks she is ugly, fat, stupid, and the like. She is not ugly. She's, compared to most fifty-five year olds, good-looking. She's not beautiful, she's not thin, but she is okay. She is not obese and I have never heard of her doctors telling her to lose weight. She looks average/nice.
But she thinks what I said above.

And her mind is that of a child. I am not kidding. She is as naive and innocent as a child. She has trouble understanding how people can break rules or go against things they were taught. She can't comprehend corruption very easily. She has trouble communicating sometimes and says things that are taken as jokes when she's being serious. She has some definite Asperger's tendencies, but she's not diagnosed.

If we say one wrong thing near her, she will end up crying. Usually it's because she feels that us kids don't appreciate her and she thinks that we don't love her. And she doesn't think that I know that she always loves me. I have never and never will doubt her mother's love. Of course, once she made the mistake of asking me if I loved her. Quite honestly, I don't love my mother. I like her, but I don't love her at this point in my life. Of course she figured out that I don't and now she feels that no one loves her so she has to keep asking.

And we got into a bad habit. In the evenings, I'd sit with her, and she'd talk about what was upsetting her. Me and my sister were acting as counselors. I am still in that habit. I still find it my duty to help with her emotional issues but my counselor says that it is not right because she's the parent. She wants to be the parent but she's always saying "Let me be the parent!" which I have to explain is completely incorrect. Parents don't LET kids do things. We are used to an anarchy that pretends to be under her rule (I mean, we follow the few rules she has, and all but one of us--guess who--is a Jehovah's Witness so we pretty much all have the same rules ANYWAYS) and anarchies, no matter how much they NEED a ruler, and in my case even want one, will not surrender to an incompetent ruler.

I guess it's just that over the years, I've become my mother's parent, well, all of us, and I want to stop being the parent. I'm supposed to be a teenager right now. I would like to be a teenager with a strong parent.

I'd like to have a parent who can rule in a strong way. I need a strong ruler who can take control and won't be an equal so much. I can't handle overly emotional rulers, either.
I don't want a parent. I want a ruler. I consider myself no longer needing a parent since I've already become one for my mother, so I just have to be a subject of my mother, like my brother and sister who are over 21 but still live at home.

But it doesn't work. There is an awful hierarchy in our family...

I am an emotionally abused person, and I need change NOW, except I can't TELL my mom what she has to change (more parenting from me ) so I'd have to explain to her counselor what's going on but when will I have time to do that without her knowing?

I don't want to go to a foster home for pretty much the sole reason of having my pet chicken Falcor here, plus 25 more chicks coming in late June. And I know this place.

This house is a prison, but the prison comes with some things that I won't get anywhere else.

Once again... emotionally abused. Or at least that's what I was trying to say. I think I kinda went off topic on this post, but that's what I have to say.

I'm tired of being a parent except it seems the only way to stop is by being a parent just a little bit more. :cry:
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ForeverAutumn* Offline
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Re: I think a lot of people don't think about this - May 28th 2009, 01:24 AM

Hey there, Shannon.

You're absolutely right - you should be able to be a teenager right now. You're fifteen years old, you should be hanging out with your friends and doing the things you enjoy, instead of taking on so much responsibility and taking care of your mum. You're only a kid once, you should be having fun. You're a kid, you shouldn't have to be the parent.

I think often, when a parent is having a rough time with things and becomes emotionally dependent on others...well, the kids can become the parent to parent, if that makes sense. Because you care about her and love her, and because you want her to be ok, you'll support her because that's what you feel you should be doing. When this happens, the parent-child relationship can be flipped.

Do you live with anyone else besides your mum and your sister, Shannon? Your dad, an aunt or uncle, grandparents etc? Right now, I think you need to have a family discussion of sorts, with your sister and any other adults living in your household [and if your mum is the only other adult, then with any close adults in your family]. Work something out where you'll still be there for your mum, but gradually you can cut back on how responsible you are for her. Hopefully this will get the parent-child relationship between you and your mum, back to where it should be because your counselor is right, she's the parent, you shouldn't have to be responsible for helping her on your own. This is something others need to chip in and help with. Your older siblings for example, can pitch in and help support your mum. Family members can stop by every now and then to check up on her and make sure she's doing all right.

Try talking with her counselor. Set up a meeting, and talk to her counselor about how best you can help your mum without you becoming the parent, how you can help her as the child. See if your mum can see her counselor more often and increase the number of times she sees her counselor. Also talk with her counselor about the Asperger's, see if she could get a diagnosis. Once she has a diagnosis, it'll be easier to determine how best to help her.

I know it's frustrating but hang in there, all right? I'm here anytime you'd like to talk about anything. Take good care of yourself. <3

how could anyone ever tell you, you are anything less than beautiful?| PM Me
self-harm free since 06.10.11.
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shanadian Offline
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Re: I think a lot of people don't think about this - May 28th 2009, 02:26 AM

Thanks. I will try to talk to her counselor.... I guess the insurance only has her approved for a few visits a year, but I think that my mom should go at LEAST every other week. She goes once a month or so now.

I think we've tried having family meetings... but those things do not end prettily. If there's too much yelling or noise, that's one of my triggers to cut. And I am pretty (insert swears here) tired of feeling like cutting.

Oh, and P.S.:

For some really weird reason, the words just slipped out, "I love you, Mom."
I haven't said that to her in over a year, maybe two or three. I'm not kidding.
Completely shocking.

Who thought that ordering Custom Printed M&Ms online could force THAT out?
Rather happy, but makes me feel weird. How did THAT happen?!
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