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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Wanting to remember - June 27th 2018, 05:34 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have signed up for this trauma class that my therapist suggested. There was two options the reason I chose the one I did is because the person said that the people that don't remember there abuse usually do remember it while they attend her class. I have been wanting to remember my abuse for years. I've even asked about doing EMDR to try and remember. But my therapist have said no.

A lot of people have told me that I am really lucky that I do not remember my abuse at all. Which I think is bullshit. How can I be lucky when I don't understand why I am scared of somethings? I don't understand why sometimes my clit area gets this sharp stabbing pain? How can I be lucky when I sometimes wake up and have wet the bed, and think it's because of a nightmare but am not sure because I can't remember the dream? I think the people that can remember there abuse are lucky because they can deal with the memories and then move on from there trauma.

I just want to know if you guys think I am stupid in wanting to remember exactly what has happened to me, how I was sexually abused? If it was just touching or more? And am I stupid for sign up for the class know I am likely to remember things?



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Re: Wanting to remember - June 27th 2018, 05:35 PM

Hey!

I'm sorry you were abused. I do understand where you're coming from and I don't think you're stupid at all for wanting answers. We all have an innate desire to know and understand. When it comes to something as major as this, since it's affected you in so many ways, you might find yourself desperate to know more, to find answers, to understand why you feel the way you do.

I think it should be your choice whether to try to remember or not, but please know that some questions are better left unanswered. It's kind of like opening Pandora's box - you might really want to know the specifics and remember the abuse, and right now, it might feel like the right thing, but once you do remember, you might regret doing so because of unforeseen consequences of doing so.

What I'm saying is, you need to know for sure that you absolutely cannot deal with whatever issues you may have without recovering those memories. If, and only if, there is absolutely no way you can move on without those answers you seek, should you try to remember, because you might be asking for more than you can handle.

I don't know whether you're lucky or unlucky that you don't remember. But remember that the grass always looks greener on the other side. It's one thing to be envious of those that know how they were abused, it's another to actually remember how traumatized you were and how you felt when it happened and exactly how and when it happened. Be warned that while this may help you move on, it's probably going to cause other problems too and you'll probably have new issues to deal with then.

Whatever you decide, I hope it helps you deal with your issues and move on and lead a healthy and happy life.

Take care.
Love. - xx
P.S - I don't have any personal experience with trauma and abuse, but I just wanted to throw in my two cents, whatever that's worth. I hope it helps, though.


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Re: Wanting to remember - June 27th 2018, 05:43 PM

You're not stupid for wanting to remember at all, and I think it's good that you have decided to take the trauma class.

I think it's natural that with the symptoms and things you experience that you would want to find out what happened to you to cause these things. Some people find that dealing with trauma involves trying to understand and make sense of what happened, and piece things together like a puzzle.

I don't really think that either one (remembering vs. not remembering) is better. There are positives and negatives for both. Some therapists focus on remembering and processing, while others believe that you don't necessarily have to remember in order to heal. Some people may be glad they can't remember all the details of the abuse, while others are like you and want to know. Some people wish they couldn't remember, while others may be relieved that now they have the knowledge of what happened they can work on healing. I guess it depends on the individual as everyone is different. But it is completely natural that you would want to try to remember and find out how you were abused.

I also agree with the above that it's helpful to have things in place to help you deal with any memories that do come to you. But I'm sure your therapist will be able to help with that in the class.

If you wanted, you could always talk to your therapist about your concerns.


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Re: Wanting to remember - June 28th 2018, 04:50 AM

No, you are not stupid. I can relate to wanting to remember abuse. I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it but I knew something had happened. Not remembering is difficult because you have triggers but you can't identify why.

One thing you should consider is if remembering will help or hinder your progress. What I mean is that there are some people that remember and struggle a lot with the memories. It sometimes takes them years to figure out a way to cope. If remembering will hinder you or make things worse for you it might be best to wait.

Have you talked to your doctor about if remembering is a good idea? I know people tell you that you are lucky but I agree with you when you say it's hard not knowing why certain things happen. If your doctors know you well they might be able to determine if you are ready to try and remember. Since your doctor has suggested the class I am thinking she might be able to help you figure it out.

That being said, you need to do what you feel is best. I imagine that if you end up not liking the class or end up not feeling well about remembering, you would be able to stop.


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Re: Wanting to remember - June 28th 2018, 06:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by .:Bibliophile:. View Post
No, you are not stupid. I can relate to wanting to remember abuse. I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it but I knew something had happened. Not remembering is difficult because you have triggers but you can't identify why.

One thing you should consider is if remembering will help or hinder your progress. What I mean is that there are some people that remember and struggle a lot with the memories. It sometimes takes them years to figure out a way to cope. If remembering will hinder you or make things worse for you it might be best to wait.

Have you talked to your doctor about if remembering is a good idea? I know people tell you that you are lucky but I agree with you when you say it's hard not knowing why certain things happen. If your doctors know you well they might be able to determine if you are ready to try and remember. Since your doctor has suggested the class I am thinking she might be able to help you figure it out.

That being said, you need to do what you feel is best. I imagine that if you end up not liking the class or end up not feeling well about remembering, you would be able to stop.
I asked my therapist if there was anyway to make me remember my abuse and she told me that, I cannot force the memories, because if I don't remember them it means I am not ready. So although the person said that her class makes people remember their abuse, I'm not sure if I really will remember or not. Because she also said that once the people become comfortable in the place and trusting the memories come back. So since you just reminded me of what my therapist said I am actually not sure if I will remember stuff even with this class.

And if I do I think I will be okay, since I am going to start doing an intense 6 month course of DBT with my therapist and group setting. But I know if I feel like the class is too much I will stop taking it.


SO thank you so much for reminding me what my therapist said about the abuse.



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