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Question idk if it was assault - July 5th 2018, 02:44 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Last month I went away on a school trip. My roommate, we'll call her Mia, was hooking up with this guy, we'll call him Mike. Mike was a mutual friend of ours, and he'd often spend the night. Mia also brought weed with her, and they would smoke it a lot. I had never smoked pot before, but they convinced me to. The second night, Mia and I went to the pool and met this guy, Jon, who a little weird (he told us one of his hobbies was picking locks) was obviously into me. Jon and I walked around later that night while Mike and Mia were hooking up in the hotel room. When I mentioned what they were doing, Jon told me he was Mormon and it was against his beliefs to have sex. Then he kissed me, I kissed him back, and he put his hands on my boobs on top of my shirt. The next night, I saw that Jon had picked the lock to the roof of the hotel, and after some coaxing from my friends, I invited Jon back to our hotel hoping he'd bring us to the roof. He came in, Mia and Mike were on one bed and, without even saying hello, Jon came onto the other bed where I was sitting, pushed me under him, and started making out with me. Keep in mind, at this point I was a little high and my friends were super high. He kept kissing me and biting my neck, hard. His hands went between my legs and pulled them apart, but they remained fully clothes and he kept his hands above fabric the entire time, and he kept grinding his hard penis into me. I kept saying stop and no, but he claims he couldn't hear me until I finally reached for my phone and told him it was getting late and he should go. He put his tongue inside my mouth one last time, me trying and failing to push him off, and left. My friends laughed like it was a joke and told me how weird it was. I laughed along and told them I had said no but they said they hadn't heard me either. I guess I wasn't loud enough? I guess I didn't fight back enough? Like, I know it's my fault for not doing more, but it all happened so fast and I wasn't sober enough to react how I would normally think too. Is this just me being stupid or was I assaulted?
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Re: idk if it was assault - July 5th 2018, 07:09 PM

Whenever substances are involved, it often blurs the lines of whether you could give consent or not. Even though you were only a little high, you didn't want or give consent for Jon to touch you. You kept saying 'stop' and 'no' and he should've respected that. Even if he really didn't hear you, you never wanted him to touch you and that would've shown in your body language- you even tried to push him off.

It's understandable that you would try to laugh along with your friends about what happened. But it seems that the experience upset you a bit, and it's always best to listen to your feelings. It wasn't your responsibility though- Jon should never have touched you without asking (and getting your consent) and should've made sure you were sober and that you were were happy and comfortable with him touching you. It's not your fault for not doing more. You did what you could and that took a lot of strength. But the responsibility lies with Jon, not you.

If your reactions were slowed because you weren't sober, then you probably couldn't have been able to give consent. You didn't give consent anyway and tried telling Jon to 'stop' and push him away. So yes, it could be classed as assault (which is any non-consensual sexual touching).

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Re: idk if it was assault - July 6th 2018, 01:51 AM

Hey there,

I am sorry that you had to go through this. I know that you feel like you did something wrong but you did not. Even if you didn't say 'no' loud enough it sounds like you were giving other signals that you weren't interested. I don't think that your reaction and laughing along with your friend's makes sense; after going through something like this it can be hard to know how to cope. When the people around us are laughing about it, it can be easier to laugh along instead of making 'big' deal about it. This person did touch you without your consent. I think it might be helpful to consider talking to someone about what occurred; maybe reach out to a therapist or something like that.

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assault, fault, idk

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