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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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TH Anonymous Offline
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Where is that girl? - July 19th 2018, 03:03 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

[SIZE="a"]I have been dating this guy for 5 years. We are both in our 20s. He comes from a broken family full of rage and drugs and alcoholics. We get into arguments about stupid stuff but instead of just screaming at me like i do to him he used to push me, pin me up against the wall or on the floor. I called the cops on him once and he went to jail for a night. I felt guilty so I bailed him put he swore to me he would never do it again. Since then we have gotten into fights and he has destroyed stuff his own property. Today we got into a fight and he choked me and let go after a few seconds and then threw something and shattered the car driver side window. I know he says it's because i pushed him to that point but he should be able to control his own anger. I used to be this tough girl that didn't put up with any b.s. Any time a friend told me about an abusive partner I would encourage them to leave. So why can't I? I love this guy more then anything i know. We have been through some very hard times. I don't have friends or family i can go to. No one will put me up while I look for a job. Its more convenient to stay. He pays all the bills which are his but h pays for the food and everything. Idk what to do or where to go from here I am still with him atm and after a few hours of just ignoring each other he usually just comes to bed and then next morning we just act like nothing happened. I get so tired of being a yes girl. 😢[/size]
   
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Re: Where is that girl? - July 19th 2018, 04:46 PM

Sorry to hear you are in an abusive relationship and don't know where to go from here. I think it's understandable that if you thought of yourself as tough and not tolerating abusive behaviour before, you may wonder what has happened and how you have changed. But please remember that you are just as tough as you were before!

From the outside, it can be easy to pick up on abusive behaviour and suggest that someone leaves the relationship. But when you are the person who is being abused in the relationship, it is often more complex than that. The reasons you stated, loving your partner and being dependent on him, are very common reasons why people stay in such relationships. There is no shame in that.

When we love someone, we can often overlook their flaws, and for an abusive person, perhaps minimise the abuse and focus on the good times or hope that they change. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen as the person has to recognise and accept they are abusive and make the effort to change their behaviour. But sometimes out of love we might believe them when they say they will change, and we find ourselves going through the same cycle of abusive behaviour followed by apologising and promises not to do it again. You might want to check out our article on understanding why someone may stay with their abuser here for more information on this cycle.

We all have our limits where we 'snap' as we are only human. But his behaviour is abusive, and it seems like he is trying to avoid responsibility by saying that you pushed him to that point, when you are correct, he is responsible for his behaviour, not you.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have friends or family that you can go to. When you don't have support outside the relationship, it can seem scary trying to leave, more so if you are dependent on the financial security of your partner (him paying the bills while you look for a job). How would you feel calling a hotline (some suggestions here) or looking to see if there are any homeless/domestic violence shelters in your area? You may also want to check out our article on fleeing abuse here. Even though you love your partner (and that's okay!) you do deserve to be and feel safe and not have to put up with abusive behaviour, If you are going to stay with him, then I'd recommend the tips in this article as it's important to try to keep yourself as safe as you can.

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