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TH Anonymous Offline
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What actually is consent? - August 4th 2018, 05:28 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

[SIZE="a"]Even though my rape happened a few years ago, there are still certain things that I have a lot of trouble dealing with, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Sometimes it seems like I'm constantly discovering new ways that it has messed me up.
I recently ended an almost year-long toxic relationship. During the relationship, there were certain circumstances that would come up where I really did not want to have sex with my partner, whether it was because we just got done fighting, it was going to be in an area where I didn't feel comfortable, or because the risk of getting caught was too much. I would go into those situations fully aware of how much I did not want to have sex with this person, at all. I often made that very clear as well, whether it was verbally or just by trying to avoid being touched by him. He knew that I didn't want it. And yet, he pushed it.
He would push past the boundaries, one by one. I don't exactly need to spell it out here but he would start by holding my hand or hugging me, then sneaking in a kiss, make out, and eventually - as I am only human - would get me in the mood where I agreed to have sex.
It's this funny, blurry area of consent, I think, where I didn't exactly say yes, but was put in a place, mentally, where my body wanted it?

After it got to that point, I would still feel whatever reservations I had about it before... not feeling like we were in a safe place to do it, being worried about someone catching us, still not particularly fond of him after he said hurtful things to me, etc.
And I can say that sometimes I really did end up wanting to do it. It's not like I regretted it every single time he did that. But I think that a lot of times I felt more pressure to do it than desire to do it.

For some reason, I have this wild idea in my head where once a guy is turned on, it's my fault for causing that. So in a way, isn't it then my responsibility to "get rid of it"? I know that it's wrong because I know it's not my obligation to make sure that just because a guy is horny, he gets off. And it doesn't mean that I go and have sex with every single guy who gets hard in front of me. It's just something that happened very often with this particular person, and he just so happened to be my boyfriend. I think because he was my boyfriend, and because he was seriously controlling and manipulative, I felt more pressure to do things with him than I would have with other people.
But I think it's also important to note that even before him, with other guys I still felt like the worst thing to do to a guy would be to blue ball him or not be able to let him finish. I remember one time I had to leave some guy's place or I would be late to something important, but he didn't finish yet. I actually stayed almost half an hour longer than I should have, and did end up being late to my thing afterward, but he still didn't finish. As I was getting my things ready to leave, he started to guilt trip me because I dared to "blue ball him".
I do believe that this could be connected to my rape in some ways, or maybe even from society somehow or the trashy guys I've dealt with over the years.
Bottom line is that it doesn't really matter where this guilt from not having sex with someone or not pleasing someone enough came from, because it's something that seems to be ingrained in my mind now and it's not going away.

So where does consent stand in all of this? Is a guilty yes just as good as a fully willing yes is?[/size]
   
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Re: What actually is consent? - August 4th 2018, 05:16 PM

Hey,

I have always had consent defined to me as something that has to be given freely and enthusiastically, meaning that there shouldn’t be coercion involved to try to convince someone to say yes and you also shouldn’t just be saying yes because you’re expected to. I’ve also been taught that you can take away consent at any time (such as if you have to leave or just don’t want to anymore) or that you can consent to certain activities during sex but say no to others. This article by Planned Parenthood better explains consent.

So to me, what you’re describing doesn’t count as consent because either you were doing it because it was expected of you (in the case of someone being mad at you for giving them “blue balls”) or because you were coerced (in the case of your boundaries being pushed even after you either said or indicated you didn’t want to). It’s especially concerning to me that you said your boyfriend was controlling and manipulative, and that you either verbally or physically made it clear you didn’t want to continue and he kept pressuring you. Those are HUGE red flags because you basically said no and he continued. To me, that’s not consent and he took advantage of you.

Basically with sex or sexual acts, you should WANT to have sex. You shouldn’t only want it because you were convinced or pressured, but instead actually decide to have it on your own terms.

It’s okay to say no, whether it’s bevause you have something to do, had an argument, or just aren’t in the mood. It’s okay to cease sex, even in the middle of it, if it’s no longer working for you or you’re late for something. What’s not okay is for someone to keep pressuring you after you’ve shown you’re not into it. You deserve to be with someone or have a sexual partner who respects your boundaries and doesn’t keep pushing past them.

I’m sorry that this happened to you and that lines and boundaries were crossed like this. You truly don’t deserve it and it was not your fault at all. You definitely shouldn’t have to be alone and we are here if you need anything.

I wish you all the best.
-Dez


Let it come and let it be...


Last edited by Melancholia.; August 4th 2018 at 06:37 PM.
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Re: What actually is consent? - August 4th 2018, 11:38 PM

[SIZE="a"]I like that you mentioned taking away consent at any time, because that has always been something I've had a problem with too. Not so much with my first few partners, except for the times where I had to leave and the guy wanted me to stay longer.
But since my last boyfriend had these expectations of what he wanted me to do and neglected my boundaries constantly, even though he could eventually get me to give in and have sex with him, I would almost always get "bored" halfway through it or just really not want to be there anymore. It was like my mind and body would just shut down and I'd just focus on getting it over with. It made me hate him sometimes.
I didn't give it much thought while I was with him, because it was just the way things were for us, but I would actually cry a lot during sex with him. I wouldn't let him see it, but there would be these moments where I realized I did not want any of this at all and I would just start crying. Now that I have more of a level-head to look back on the relationship with, I'm starting to think that maybe that's not normal?

Before I get involved with another person, I want to try and internalize that idea of only having sex when I really want to. Like a lot of things, it seems much easier to say than actually put it into practice in real life circumstances.
But it seems awkward to randomly announce to someone that you don't want to continue having sex, right in the middle of it. Even I would be a bit annoyed if someone randomly said that, and I don't want to be that person. I hope that in an actual healthy relationship, that situation wouldn't come up as often as it did with my ex. But if it did happen, how would I even go about saying that? I'd feel bad about insulting or offending the other person.[/size]
   
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