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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Greenie Offline
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Need your opinion asap re- my friend - September 16th 2018, 09:34 PM

This post fits in multiple topics but is complicated because of my past experiences with sexual assault hence why I prefer to put it here!

Basically an incident happened two nights ago where I stayed over at my male friend's house in his bed, and very unexpectedly he started touching me let's just say 'more than just a friend would' and kissing me. This happened whilst I was exhausted, sick with my chronic illness which was why I stayed over, because I would have possibly passed out and or crashed my bike if I tried to go home that evening. All of this which he knew. We had never discussed being physically affectionate before, and nor was I in the state to consent if he had asked. I was too tired and scared to do anything about it at the time, so mostly I lay there motionless and I just put up with it. and given I was being squeezed on the bed to the point I couldn't breathe or move easily, I touched his arm a couple of times too in order not to fall off the bed (not at all anywhere close to what he was doing to me), but it obviously gave mixed signals.

I'm very sensitive to physical affection given bad experiences hence why I went along with it to make the experience less awful, to the point that I could not be assertive and tell him to stop. Or to get out of there and get a taxi home. Because I worried if I didn't go along with it, he would do even more in wanted things than simply touching me. I know this isn't very smart, but I was exhausted with fatigue and sickness and traumatic memories, so there you go. Only, that's something difficult to tell him.

And I shouldn't have to and don't want to explain to him the reason for my failure to say anything at the time and give mixed signals was bc of trauma!

I freaked out later and told him with the advice of a friend, never to touch me again and that what he did was not okay. But I do feel bad, he is confused bc I gave mixed signals.

But he never should have touched me in the first place in this situation, which is what I told him. I was firm with him but I was polite. And I even acknowledged that I knew he only wanted to be affectionate and didn't mean harm from it. And then his tone back was very self-defensive, confused, hurt, and very obviously annoyed at me!! He didn't get it. But I don't want to have to explain further.

For the sake of my mental health, I don't want to continue talking to him as I'm a bit nervous around him given what he did when I was trying to sleep, and that he didn't get the hint when I didn't respond back to him and just lay motionless most of the time. And if he didn't get it then or now, my last hope to have him understand is to tell him i was traumatised. But now he's hurt and confused, and was possibly in love with me which might be why he touched me like that. And he still thinks it's okay to touch girls like that without consent.

The touching and kissing wasn't aggressive or anything. It was actually nice, and what complicates it more in my head is that my body got aroused from it, but in my head i was just very scared and confused why he was touching me. And it was inappropriate in the context of me being exhausted, almost asleep, and never being asked if I wanted to be touched like that, especially given we have only been friends and nothing more prior to this. It was unexpected.

Simply, I don't want to talk to him about it any more nor see him any more, the whole thought of it stresses me immensely, but I think it could be unfair to leave him so confused like that. But there's a good chance he won't understand anyway if he hasn't yet. Advice? Thoughts?

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Re: Need your opinion asap re- my friend - September 16th 2018, 10:35 PM

Your friend is, quite simply, a jerk. He took advantage of you. You went over there because you were suffering from your chronic illness. It is incredibly rare someone who is sick is going to be up for intimate contact, and that's IF you've actually talked about it before. He never asked you about your feelings on the matter. You were practically unconscious and he still went for it, which is a blatant disregard for consent. You are not at fault here in any way. The blame lies with him.

When someone has a history of sexual assault it's common to freeze up. I know I did when I was raped; even though I didn't want what was happening to happen I couldn't say no. For a long time that meant I blamed myself, but the truth is it was on him, not me. Same with this situation. Do not blame yourself for freezing; it's a biological response. You did the best you could to stop him, and it's not your fault he interpreted that as "mixed signals." You did the best you could. As for your body being aroused, that's common. Some people even orgasm during a rape; it's just a bodily response. It doesn't mean you wanted it and you don't need to feel shame about it. You're okay.

As for not speaking to/seeing him, you don't owe him a thing. He has no right to act defensive. He may genuinely be confused if he's not well versed in the area of consent, but it's not your job to teach him that, and he should at least know to ask before initiating when y'all have NEVER spoken about it before. So, I don't think you need to explain any more to him. If you're uncomfortable, don't interact with him. You deserve to have safe, positive people in your life and he sounds like he is no longer either of those things.

I am sorry this happened to you. If you ever want to talk please PM me. Take care.

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Re: Need your opinion asap re- my friend - September 17th 2018, 03:22 PM

Your friend definitely took advantage of you. It wasn't right for him to do that without consent. A lot of people react differently in situations like these and you did what you could in that moment. Did he say you gave him mixed signals or is this something you've thought of on your own? Regardless, you can't control how other people interpret things; it wasn't your fault.

As it was said above, bodily reactions during abuse do happen. All it is is a body response and it doesn't really mean anything outside of that. It can cause a lot of conflicting feelings in survivors but it's not really something that is in your control.

You have to do what is best for you and it avoiding him will help you, then go for it. You need to have a safe environment. You mentioned you feel like it will be unfair to leave him and it's nice you're thinking of him but make sure you take care of yourself. If you feel like you'll need closure, maybe you could write a letter or take someone along with you and say what you need to say.

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