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Jennaholt Offline
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I'm not sure what I feel - December 26th 2018, 05:19 PM

It's been almost 8 months since I ended things with my ex. He was emotionally abusive and has forced me to have sex many times. It was mostly forced consent. And twice without consent. This went on for almost 2 years. He would apologize a lot and I always fell for it. Stupid, I know. But I did and believed him and I loved him too much to break up. I was scared of how he would react if I said I wanted to end our relationship. I'm not sure if I was scared or just didn't want to deal with the drama.
I always only thought he wanted the best for me. Although I didn't like how he treated me, I thought it was out of love.

Back to present. I just realized I was in denial all along. I still can't believe he is capable of abuse. I cried a lot, I felt violated and used. I know he abused me but I am not able to believe it. I feel really angry. But it comes and goes. Other times, which is majority of time, I don't feel anything about it. I'm almost like "Yeah so that happened. Moving on.."

I can't talk to my friends or family about it. I've never told them about the things he used to do.
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Re: I'm not sure what I feel - December 26th 2018, 08:21 PM

I'm so sorry to hear all that your ex put you through.

You should never have been forced to have sex against your will and without your consent. Or emotionally abused. You are worth so much more than that. You are absolutely not stupid for believing him when he apologised or for still loving him. The cycle of abuse often comes with a 'good' period where the abuser says they are sorry and says that they won't do it again...only for it to happen again and again. It's also understandable that you felt love for him and would have thought that he was doing these things out of love for you. And naturally, you would've been scared about breaking up with him because he was abusive. We have an article about understanding why someone may stay in an abusive relationship that you might like to check out here.

It can definitely be a huge shock to realise that the person you loved, who you thought loved you too was actually abusive. Your emotional reaction, crying and feeling violated and used is very understandable given what he put you through and how you felt you were in denial at the time. It also makes sense that a lot of the time you may not feel much about it. Abuse is a traumatic experience and sometimes it can overwhelm us and make us shutdown our emotions so that we aren't trying to deal with the reality of feeling all the anger and sadness all the time.

It can be very scary opening up to others about what we went through. I'm wondering why you feel you can't talk to your friends and family about it? I'm sure they care about you a lot and would want to support you in any way they can. If you don't feel up to talking to friends and family, would you consider counselling? Processing our feelings about the abuse we endured, in a safe environment with a therapist can help us to safely express ourselves and help us to feel more empowered in our lives. You don't (and shouldn't) have to go through this alone. You may also want to check out our article on healing from an abusive relationship here for more ideas on how to deal with emotions that the abuse brings up and the next steps to take so that you can break from the abuse holding you back

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Re: I'm not sure what I feel - December 27th 2018, 03:03 AM

Thank you so much. That really helped me see things more clearly.
I haven't shared anythIn with my friends because I didn't want them to hate him. But I just realized that I'm still trying to defend him. So I'm going to talk to my friends today.
Thank you so much
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Re: I'm not sure what I feel - December 27th 2018, 11:03 AM

I’ve been through something similar. You can always send me a PM.

Big hug from Lucy.

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Latte Offline
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Re: I'm not sure what I feel - December 29th 2018, 04:20 PM

I'm sorry you went through that. My ex was like that too and it's awful. It's terrible to realize that the person who "loves" you is abusing you through control, manipulation, and sexual assault. I feel like a lot of us have this idea of what abuse is, that it's violent and in your face and it can be hard to come to terms with the fact that you experienced a different kind of abuse. It's very traumatic and painful to accept and move past.

I understand why you don't want your parents or friends to dislike him, but I think you deserve to look out for yourself and give yourself the space and love to know that you need to be able to have honest conversations with people because this is hurting you and isolating yourself is hard in this sorts of cases. You don't have to tell every last friend if you don't want too; just the ones you usually confide in. If they love you, it won't matter if they think less of him,. You don't have to protect someone who traumatized you at the expense of your own well being.

I would also recommend counselling. It helps a lot. Things like CBT and EDMR are really helpful for trauma.

And please message me if needed.
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