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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ashen Offline
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Leaving an abusive situation - February 24th 2019, 03:30 AM

So I need some help here.
My mom is moving out here with me (in michigan) and leaving my dad (back in pennsylvania). He's been emotionally abusive for years and has gotten worse since I left for school 3 1/2 years ago - he doesn't like anything of his being out of his control. Since my mom got a job out here and decided to move things have escalated.
When driving my mom to the airport - she was forced to fly from pa to mi and could only take a suitcase of clothes with her - he threatened not to let her come back (to pa) and get her stuff and told her "try not to get killed". He's been sending nasty texts and emails, telling her she should get an apartment, the job isn't going to last, she should stay at this one place that has rats, she should just live out of a hotel room for a year. Stuff like that and nastier.
The plan was (possibly still is) that she and I are flying back next weekend -there is no way i'm letting her go back alone, even if it means missing a few days of class and work - and are going to pack up what we can - stuff we can't replace - and drive it back to mi. He's saying she's not allowed to rent a car and threatening to take the car she has in mi. He also will have - in the two weeks he'll have been in the house alone - taken things and stashed them away.
She and I both have a lot of plants. I asked my friend to take care of a few of them for me but there's no way we'll be able to take all of them. He'll kill them. Purposefully or accidentally, most of them are dead.
Anyway, it's going to be nasty. Any suggestions of how to get her/our stuff and get everything/one out safely?
He's never been physically violent before - at least that I know of, and I'm starting to doubt that. The last summer I was home, he exploded in a rage over my mom and i donating a couple cans to a food drive and i was seriously scared he was going to hit me - after he was done yelling and had slammed out of my room i snuck out of the house and stayed with a friend until my mom got home. this is so much worse. and i just learned that my mom tried to leave him when i was a baby. he tried to kidnap me - he drove off with me and threatened to crash the car and kill the both of us.
Anyway, any suggestions of how to keep my mom safe and get what we need from the house?


I will write my weakness into strength.

-Aeralie Brighton, Unbroken


Because I am fire.
And I know what fire is.

-K.V. Johansen, Gods of Nabban


"I will try.
Each day.
That's all I promise."

"As long as you will.
No longer.
It is enough."

-K.V. Johansen, Gods of Nabban

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Leaving an abusive situation - February 24th 2019, 08:20 PM

I first of all want to say that I am so sorry that you and your mom are going through this, but it's great you're helping your mom leave.


Do you think you'd be able to leave a ,mesage with the police to see if they'd be able to provide an escort with you? If you explained the stuation to them, it's possible that they'd escort you to the area so you and your mom can get in, pack up what you need, and get out, without having to worry about him veing verbally, or potentially physically, abusive to either one of you. I know you may not want to get the police involved, but both of your safety is of the utmost importance, and you deserve to have someone there in case things get out of hand.


I hope others come along with more suggestions, but I wanted to wish you both luck. <3 I know you can do it.


-Dez


   
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Re: Leaving an abusive situation - February 25th 2019, 12:57 AM

I'm so sorry that you and your mom are going through that. I know a number of people who've had to deal with such violent partners (physically or emotionally) or been the child of it and I understand how awful it is, especially if it escalates upon a divorce or separation.

I agree with Dez that it might be worth it to contact the police and ask for an escort, if possible. If you don't feel like that is practical or they can't do that as a precaution, I would recommend asking a few friends of yours and your moms to help so that you guys can get your stuff and get out quickly and hopefully having witnesses will prevent him from doing anything stupid.

Additionally, I would recommend keeping all texts and emails he sends and possibly even recording what happens and taking videos or pictures if anything escalates so that if you have to contact the police you'll have evidence to possibly secure a restraining order - I assume you have 2 phones, yours and your moms, so I'd recommend that you have both and use your moms to record, and plan to use yours to call the police. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but I just think it is important to have evidence of his abuse if this gets out of control.

After your mom gets her stuff, I would recommend that she cut off contact and see a lawyer. I've seen this sort of shit go down before and, assuming she wants a divorce, abusive men don't tend to go down easily and she'll want legal representation.
   
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Re: Leaving an abusive situation - February 27th 2019, 07:25 AM

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through.

I agree with Dez and Latte that the best thing to do is to have a police escort and to let them know the situation.

If you feel like you wish not to have a police escort, taking other family members, friends, neighbours, etc will be a good idea. Letting other people where you'll be and any contact numbers could also be helpful.

I hope I helped.


   
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Re: Leaving an abusive situation - March 12th 2019, 12:00 AM

Thank you all for your replies.
We ended up meeting him in Ohio and getting the stuff he saw fit to give my mom. My mom and I didn't have a way to get back from PA to MI and he was insistent that she 'send him a list of stuff' and he'd bring it - or rather he'd bring whatever he felt like giving her.
We both have to go back to PA sometime, but still figuring out when exactly.
We don't have any family in/near PA. The closest is my uncle (my mom's older brother) who's in Wisconsin - which really isn't at all close.
My best friend lives a street over but I don't know if she'll be in PA when we go back.
Hoping it doesn't come to needing to get the police involved but I did add the local department to the top of my phone's contacts just in case.
As soon as things get a bit more settled at her job, my mom said she'll be taking advantage of the legal benefits - she's a government contractor - and will be working towards divorce.
Crossing fingers it works out.
Thank you again for all you guys' help.


I will write my weakness into strength.

-Aeralie Brighton, Unbroken


Because I am fire.
And I know what fire is.

-K.V. Johansen, Gods of Nabban


"I will try.
Each day.
That's all I promise."

"As long as you will.
No longer.
It is enough."

-K.V. Johansen, Gods of Nabban

   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Leaving an abusive situation - March 14th 2019, 09:44 PM

So sorry to hear how your dad has treated you and your mum. It's good that you have managed to get away and hope when things are settled, the divorce goes smoothly.

Does your dad know that you are living in Michigan? If not, I think it was good to meet in Ohio as I can imagine you not wanting him to find out where you'll be living.

Is your best friend aware of the situation with your dad? If so, you might want to try checking in with her to see if she'll be around in PA when you will be. Hopefully the police won't need to be involved, but it may help to bring someone along as hopefully your dad will be less likely to act out.

Hang in there and keep us updated if you want


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Re: Leaving an abusive situation - March 28th 2019, 04:28 AM

to you all (note - you'll probably guess if you read this, but typing this after midnight while trying to get over-tired brain to focus on finishing the twenty plus pages of thesis i need to get done for tomorrow. so going to be really really ramble-y)
good news: my mom is settling in here. she found an amazing apartment - unfortunately a bit more expensive than she was hoping - especially with him racking up the bills, think he's trying to spend as much as he can and try to force her to go back to pa by making her pay for everything and not be able to afford both his bills and her apartment - but I'll be moving in with her in like five weeks once i graduate so i'll be able to help out with paying rent and groceries and such. (and that is completely terrifying now that i'm thinking about it - graduating college in five weeks). and i'll still have both my part time jobs at least for the summer and applied to a full time library position. crossing fingers i hear from them and grad school soon, hopefully with good news.
not so good news:
He knows we're in Michigan and pretty sure he knows at least the apartment complex my mom's living in. When that lease is up (it's a year long) going to try to keep whatever new address from him.
He's invited himself to my graduation, unfortunately. I tried not telling him and then saying he didn't need to come (since he threw a massive fit(s) about me coming to college here and my field of study) but he kept sending increasingly nasty messages to me and my mom until i told him the date. and he said he'd be there. so that's just great.
he seems to be trying to spend as much as he can and is foisting the bills on my mom, like he's trying to run her out of money so she's forced back to pa.
still have no idea when going back to PA.
My friend knows. She's always been great about supporting me when he gets on one of his rants. She's the one I went to when i got scared and snuck out that time. Once I know more about when i'm going back to pa i'll see if she'll be around then. My other close friend lives nearby in pa. She actually agreed to watch some of my plants for me since doubtful my mom and i will be able to bring them all with us, at least not in one trip. Maybe i can ask her to come by? She also knows about him. And she is amazingly protective when it comes to standing against men who are a**es.
but at the same time i feel bad about involving other people - i don't like exposing others to his abuse and i don't want to bother them with my/and my mom's problems. and i don't want to make things worse by unintentionally provoking him or something.


I will write my weakness into strength.

-Aeralie Brighton, Unbroken


Because I am fire.
And I know what fire is.

-K.V. Johansen, Gods of Nabban


"I will try.
Each day.
That's all I promise."

"As long as you will.
No longer.
It is enough."

-K.V. Johansen, Gods of Nabban

   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Leaving an abusive situation - March 30th 2019, 08:30 PM

Wow glad to hear your mom got a place but it sucks that your dad found out where she's living. How did he find out? Hopefully you guys can find ways to protect yourselves while living there; keep the doors locked, make sure neighbours you get to know don't let him in etc.

I also hope you get into grad school. You deserve that, though hopefully you get the full time librarian job

Is it possible that your mom can open a new bank account and start keeping her money there instead? Is her name on any of the bills that your dad should be paying (e.g. hydro, rent/mortgage)? Maybe it's time that she looks into getting her name removed so that if she finds a way to reclaim her money it won't ruin her credit. I know things are financially tight but it might be time for her to see a lawyer and seek legal separation and figure out how to separate her money and remove her name from bills in PA.
   
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Re: Leaving an abusive situation - April 1st 2019, 09:20 PM

Glad to hear your mom is settling in! It's crap your dad is wracking up the bills but lovely to see that your going to help your mom out. Agree with latte about ranking up security, just in case though.

Sorry to hear that your dad invited himself to your graduation. That's a shame but if you keep in public areas or around other people, he might be less likely to act out, hopefully.

It's lovely to see how supportive your friends are. I understand that you don't like people knowing about the abuse and not wanting to bother them, but you aren't a bother. It's not your fault your dad is this way, and the most important thing is keeping you and your mom safe. It sounds like your friends are happy to help, so try not to worry too much about bothering people.

Best of luck with grad school and hope you get the library job too


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