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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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EmilyNicole Offline
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Has it changed me any??? - May 30th 2009, 08:47 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So...When I was younger, my mom babysat a kid for a few years, who was about my age. In these years he was molesting me..A lot of people assume that because he was my age, It shouldn't be considered that...but whatever...I don't remember all of it, being so young at the time...but I remember enough for it to have an effect on me.
Do you think that this has had an effect on me? For instance, I hate being in cars alone. Mainly in parking lots. I start to think the people walking around are going to kidnap me and then these scenearios pop into my mind...Where they take the car and take me out somewhere and rape me and murder me. It terrifies me that I think this way. Also, I do the same thing in my room...When I hear noises outside my house, I freak out and I can't breathe. I can't think and I just start shaking. Do you think this has anything to do with that? It seems like a stretch to me...but I'm not sure.
Then there's another thing...I hate being around older men..Which is odd, Because this kid was younger...but also, His father lived down the street from us and was a sexual predator. I remember being terrified of him.
Is it possible that that is a reflection of that?
I've been confused about this for years....So..what do you think?
   
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Re: Has it changed me any??? - May 30th 2009, 10:00 PM

Only if you associate any of the memories that you have of being abused with the fears you experience. Even people who have never been abused have fears, so it may not necessarily be connected.
   
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Re: Has it changed me any??? - May 30th 2009, 10:08 PM

Heya Emily,

No matter what people assume, what he did to you wasn't ok, acceptable...whatever others may say. Abuse is never, ever ok. However old he was, abuse is still abuse. If you didn't consent to it, he didn't have the right to do it. Age doesn't determine whether sexual abuse is sexual abuse.

Did you ever tell your mum about what was going on, Emily? Or anyone else - a close friend, a teacher, school guidance counselor, etc? When you keep something like this bottled up and don't tell anyone, it's bound to have a greater effect on you. When you push it to the back of your mind and try to pretend nothing's wrong, nothing happened...well, you can't keep memories locked up forever. Sooner or later they're going to come back and stronger than ever.

It's always possible that the abuse could be causing you to think and feel this way. No matter how much time may have passed, everyone heals at their own pace. Everyone recovers differently. Sometimes, it takes longer to heal than it would for another person. It all depends on the situation, how long it was happening, what happened...either way though, there's no 'set' time for getting over abuse. That being said, it's possible the abuse could be affecting you, especially if you never sought help with what happened. Like I said, bottling it up inside makes things worse about 99% of the time.

Something I definitely suggest, is to consider counseling. Counseling can be a huge help if you give it a try. When you meet with a counselor, you're able to explore your thoughts and feelings and sort through your head...you can talk about what's on your mind and how you think this is affecting you. Talking can be the biggest help sometimes, because it can help just to get it all out, you know? To get it off your chest and not have to worry about keeping it inside.

Try finding a small stone, or another small object you can keep in your pocket for when you start to panic or when you're afraid. Squeeze it and hold onto it tight, and try to ground yourself as best you can. I have a necklace that I always wear, with a coin from my best friend on it, and holding onto the coin always helps me ground yourself - really think about giving something like this a try. Remind yourself of the date, your name, count to a hundred in your head...there are tons of ways you can ground myself, it's just a matter of figuring out which method is best for you.

I'm here anytime you'd like to talk about anything, ok? Take good care of yourself and hang in there. <3



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Re: Has it changed me any??? - May 30th 2009, 10:54 PM

My mom found out about it after a few years and stopped watching the kid...but we never talked about it. Then a few years later, I would wake up at night from terrible nightmares of a man doing things to me, And she was convinced I was talking about my brother.
I think she still assumes he did something to me...and he did not. I would have told her by now if he did. and I would go to sleep crying because she would get mad at me when I said that he didn't...I think that's one of the things that caused a lot of pain when I was younger.
and we never really talked about the kid...ever.
I don't like to talk to my mom about it because then she'll attribute it to my brother, and when I deny it, she'll get angry...and I really can't go through all of that again.
   
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Re: Has it changed me any??? - May 30th 2009, 11:41 PM

Hmm, do you know why your mum thought it was your brother who hurt you? Has he ever shown signs of being an abuser in the past, or acting that way? Do you think there's any way it might be possible, your brother hurt you? Sometimes the mind can repress traumatic events, it's the mind's way of protecting us from things we can't quite handle or cope with. What's repressed can be remembered in the form of flashbacks. Now, I'm not saying your brother did anything - you'd know better than anyone else. But, just think about that, yeah? Have you ever talked with your mum about why she thinks your brother hurt you?

It's understandable that it hurt you, when she kept saying it was your brother, especially at such a young age. Abuse is confusing enough when you're young and it happens, but when someone doesn't understand and blames someone else, and are talking about things you know didn't happen...well, it's easy for it to become more of a confusing situation, you know? But the bottom line is, your mum should not be angry with you for talking about what happened, and should not react that way and immediately place the blame on someone who may be a totally innocent party here. Is there anyone else you can talk to about this?



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Re: Has it changed me any??? - May 31st 2009, 01:52 AM

I think my mom assumed the same things. but I know for sure he didn't. My brother hates people that do that. and he is way too good of a person to ever want to do anything like that.
i do have flashbacks of this kid at times though. Just little snippets from time to time. but it still scares me because he never got in trouble for any of it, being so young, I guess they didn't think he really meant it. And then back last year, he molested another kid at his moms work.
I'm always scared my mom will bring it back up...I have an idea of why my mom would think that..I always told her a guy came into my room (meaning it was in a dream) but you know how you are when youre a kid...you tend to not explain things thoroughly when you're scared or confused.
I've never told anyone about this....I am thinking of talking to my boyfriend about it, but I'm not sure if I should...It might not be the best thing to bring up but I'm not sure.
   
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