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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Angry My old rapist messaged me saying he loves me...then argued that he did nothing wrong to me. - August 22nd 2019, 08:48 PM

Out of the blue at midnight last night...

Then I freaked out and replied back basically calling him a rapist and then he started making crude jokes comparing me to the women accusing famous celebs of rape, saying it's 'slander' to "bring him down when he's successful in his career"?!

Then he went on about how it was equally both our faults and my memory of it is incorrect because he doesn't remember me ever saying 'no' and it was again my fault because I have Aspergers and it severely affected my ability to communicate with others back then. Then he was saying it must not have been that bad because I chose to stay with him even though I could have left despite me explaining leaving isn't that easy even though we were very young teens at the time. He just doesn't get it. THEN he defended how he used to insult me about how I looked 'down there' because I "really DO" look 'different' down there and no matter what he said about my genitals I would have "taken it the wrong way and blow things out of proportion".

A whole plethora of nonsense, that's just the overview.

I think he just gaslit me...?! I'm feeling a bit suicidal about this and don't even have the motivation to eat right now even though I really know I need to. It's amazing how just one person can do so much damage- I feel like I am disassociating.
   
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Re: My old rapist messaged me saying he loves me...then argued that he did nothing wrong to me. - August 23rd 2019, 12:16 AM

I am sorry to hear your rapist messaged you. It's can be really jarring when something like this happens.

It can be hard to turn these things around, but try to think of the opposite for everything he said. He did do something wrong to you, and no means no. A verbal "no" isn't necessarily needed, either; discomfort or certain body language is also considered a no.

A lot of people cannot leave negative relationships. On paper, plenty think that it looks easy or so simple to leave but it isn't. But that doesn't make it any less damaging. Remember that it's only slander if it's not true - and what he did to you is true.

If you don't feel like you can eat anything, is there something you can drink? That might help. If not, maybe there's something simple or "bland" you can eat like crackers or toast.

Feel free to send me a message if you need anything.


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Celyn Offline
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Re: My old rapist messaged me saying he loves me...then argued that he did nothing wrong to me. - August 23rd 2019, 08:29 PM

Hey there,

I'm sorry your rapist messaged you. It's understandable this would scare and anger you, more so when he started saying it was slander to bring him down when he is successful in his career. In a way, it seems like he could be scared of you knowing that you have the power to bring down his reputation if you chose to report him and make him responsible for the pain he caused you.

It's not your fault at all- it's all on him and he is likely saying this to make you doubt yourself. But it's unlikely that your memories are wrong. Also, just because you might not have said 'no' it doesn't mean that it was consensual at all. It's not your fault for not saying no and it has nothing to do with you having Aspergers either- he should not have raped you. It makes sense that at the time you might've felt conflicted about leaving and not knowing how to go about it but again it doesn't mean that it was your fault at all. As you say, it's hard leaving an abusive relationship. He also had no right to comment on your body either.

I'm glad that you realise all these things were nonsense and I agree, it seems that he is gaslighting you and trying to distort your memories and your reality.

This is bound to have been a huge shock for you and I'm sorry you have been feeling suicidal. You might want to check out our hotlines page for a list of hotlines to call for help with suicidal thoughts and rape and abuse. I also agree with the above that the shock of your rapist contacting you may make you feel unmotivated to eat but perhaps you can try to bland foods or a comfort food that you like. If you feel you are dissociating then it can help to try to do some grounding exercises- focus on what you can see,hear, smell, touch and taste. You can also check out our alternatives page for more ideas on alternatives, grounding and general self-care.

If possible, you might want to keep the messages from your rapist, in case you want to report him for contacting you. I also hope that you have trusted people in your life that you can turn to for support and remember that we are here for you too


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