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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Heathen Offline
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Sex after assault - October 24th 2019, 03:42 PM

I have been sexually assaulted multiple times in my life by multiple people. Some of it occurred over a long period of time, other times it was an isolated incident. All of them have contributed to my PTSD and dissociative episodes that come with it. It's something I find shameful and upsetting to feel and talk about.

In 2016 I was raped at a party. I truly lost myself for months after that happened. Gradually I was able to cope more but sometimes I still have trouble. I had this problem last night with a partner and it contributes to a bigger problem.

Sex is a huge part of my life. I love sex. After I got raped, my partner at the time and I would still have sex. I would dissociative and have a massive freak out every time after we finished, sometimes during, but I was determined not to lose that part of my life. I didn't want to give "him" that power. People told me to stop having sex until I could find a less triggering mental space but i refused to listen. As a result I worry I pushed that partner away from our intimacy. We are broken up and are good friends now; however, even though I've asked her if my fear is true and she says it isn't I worry she's lying. We never had sexual issues until my rape. It became a lot less frequent and she became less interested after that year.

Last night I was having sex with my new partner and in the middle I started seeing him, my rapist. I couldn't separate the two people. I started having a panic attack during sex, especially when the person finished. They didn't notice and I refused to let them because I wanted to have sex again later that night and I thought if they saw me anxious I may not get to have sex with them. I KNOW it's probably in my best interest to stop when these things happen, especially because I was seeing him as my rapist the rest of the night on and off, but I push myself anyway. I just don't want to lose sex. And now I'm worried I'll never get totally back to normal sexually post-rape.

How do you do this after assault? How do you navigate sexuality? How do you know when to stop a situation and when to say it's okay to keep going? And if you keep going when you shouldn't how do you stop from hating yourself and self-harm afterwards?



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Re: Sex after assault - October 29th 2019, 08:47 AM

Hey,

I don't know that I am the best person to respond to this but I've seen that you're waiting for a response and I wanted to try.

Sex after assault can be extremely difficult. I tend to struggle more with things after sex. After I've had sex I tend to freak out and feel dirty etc. To be honest I have not found anything to really help. I have talked to my therapist about it and she and I tried to process it. That helped a bit but I still struggle.

I think the thing that helps me the most is having a supportive partner. Being able to talk to them about it. Being able to say "Hey, this is how I am feeling'. He doesn't know how to help but being able to voice it and having someone support me and tell me that it is awful I have to deal with all that does help.


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Re: Sex after assault - February 5th 2020, 05:48 AM

I have struggled with this recently myself. I was raped on multiple occasions and wasnt with anyone for quite a while. So when i met my current partner i thought i would be fine. But I was getting anxious and i couldnt let myself relax and it sucked because like yourself, sex is an important part of my life. One thing I read that has helped me is when youre getting it on, think to yourself over untik you're centered, this is ___ (their name), they wont hurt me, they will protect me, I trust them, they will listen if i say to stop. Try positions that give you more control of whats going on. And if youre feeling really uncomfortable, dont feel afraid to stop. If they are a good person, they will understand. If they aren't, you should reconsider sleeping with them.

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Re: Sex after assault - February 27th 2020, 06:57 PM

Since my rape, I have been closer to girls now and feel that the only way I will have sex anymore is with a girl. I have gotten close to a couple guys over the last year but the moment i see their penis or them just naked i just freeze and close down. I never try to actually have sex, just isn't going to happen. I haven't had sex with a guy since my rape but I want to.

I have also gotten closer to a friend of mine who is a girl, and it's been awkward at times as i never considered myself a lesbian or bi, but being with her is so much easier that being said I have no idea what i am doing, i just like the touching and kissing and just feeling another body against mine. I like the idea she doesn't have a penis which is what scares me the most.

That said, is this good for me? I mean I am torn between trying to have sex with a guy and i guess trying to be a lesbian so i can have sex with someone?? I am very confused on what I am doing. What feels right and what feels wrong are so intertwined and now what feels right is wrong and what is wrong feels right? Any help?
   
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Re: Sex after assault - February 28th 2020, 03:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katielovebug11 View Post
Since my rape, I have been closer to girls now and feel that the only way I will have sex anymore is with a girl. I have gotten close to a couple guys over the last year but the moment i see their penis or them just naked i just freeze and close down. I never try to actually have sex, just isn't going to happen. I haven't had sex with a guy since my rape but I want to.

I have also gotten closer to a friend of mine who is a girl, and it's been awkward at times as i never considered myself a lesbian or bi, but being with her is so much easier that being said I have no idea what i am doing, i just like the touching and kissing and just feeling another body against mine. I like the idea she doesn't have a penis which is what scares me the most.

That said, is this good for me? I mean I am torn between trying to have sex with a guy and i guess trying to be a lesbian so i can have sex with someone?? I am very confused on what I am doing. What feels right and what feels wrong are so intertwined and now what feels right is wrong and what is wrong feels right? Any help?
Thank you for your response. You pose some really good points and I can feel the concern in your questions. I recommend you create your own thread on this topic, as I believe you will get more responses that way. PM me if you want to talk or need anything.



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Re: Sex after assault - March 1st 2020, 09:50 AM

Any trauma — emotional or sexual-is so arranged that it craves repetition. You need to stop this drama from playing out. This will not be easy, even in therapy and in personal work with a psychologist. But the stakes are high-the opportunity to lead a normal life, create a family. Giving up a relationship at all is not a choice. This would mean locking yourself in your traumatic experience, following his lead. You were born for something better. I wish you to spare no effort or time to overcome your experience and become free in your choice. I wish you freedom and joy from the bottom of my heart.
   
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