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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Setekh Offline
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Name: Éole
Age: 19
Gender: Male

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I experienced things - April 10th 2020, 04:50 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm a transsexual male but before I had that revelation I thought I was a girl. What I'm gonna write about took place when I was known as a girl.

I met a girl my age online when I was thirteen. She was way more mature than me though, both mentally and physically. Also, sexually.

The first months, it was all fine. She was just a friend. I felt a bit ill-at-ease around her because of how young and unexperienced I looked compared to her. She knew a lot of things, was into black metal bands, and hung out with a lot of older guys. At thirteen years old, she had already had her first time both with a girl and a guy. So, yeah, I was a complete child compared to her. And I didn't like it when she talked about sexual stuff because I was just so young and it was nothing I was interested in at the time.

Some months later, she started to give me signs. She was trying to make me understand that she wanted to be in a relationship with me. I was desperate and so alone, wondering if anyone could like me, so when she low-key asked me out, I said yes. And now I regret it so much.

She didn't only talk about sexual stuff a lot more, she also started to send me porn pictures and videos. Classic ones, so it wasn't that serious, but then it escalated quickly. She was now sending sexual torture videos and rape videos, and on top of that, she belittled me because I was not into sexual stuff and still a virgin. She asked me to touch myself several times, she was really insisting, making fun of me because I was afraid and didn't want to. But I was naïve and so alone, so I stayed with her anyway.

She was seeing guys too. She had sex with them and told me everything they did together every time, I believe she was trying to make me jealous and maybe aroused? It didn't work because I didn't like her, and I was in the beginning open to that kind of relationships so I didn't mind her making out with guys. But she was all days and all nights with them and she only sent me messages to tell me what she was doing with them.

She was also really insisting about that masturbation thing. So one night, I gave in and actually tried to do the thing, while she was waiting for me to explain everything via text messages. And it was awful. She asked me a lot of things that really made me feel uncomfortable and dirty. I told her it didn't make me feel that good, and she told me I had to do it again because I did it wrong the first time. She was sending hard porn and rape videos, pretending it would help me. Yeah, it helped me have a kind of trauma because of all the things I saw.

It lasted quite a while before I broke up with her, a few months after realizing I was trans and how toxic she was. She told me I was a coward unable to love and that she never felt loved while being with me.

Well, me neither.

I was kind of okay the first months without her. I didn't think about her at all and was just living as a regular teenager. But then, the memories came back and I started to hate my body as well as feeling the necessity to watch gore stuff.

And I did.
And I did.
And I did.
Again and again.

I also cut my skin, every patch of skin I was able to hide. Thighs, pubic area, genitals, breasts, stomach, shoulders, ankles, hips. All of them are scarred like hell. I even tried to do the thing while watching gore stuff. I didn't know what I was doing but I felt so bad and felt the need to hurt myself even more by doing things I hated and was afraid of.

I kind of feel better now and stopped cutting and watching gore stuff after all these years doing it.

But now I'm turning twenty and in the beginning of a relationship with a really good guy and all that is coming up again. I feel arousal and all and I'm so scared because I only knew sex through hard porn, torture and rape. So now the need to hurt myself is coming back and I don't know what I should do.

I talked a bit about it with him but I'm scared to tell more. He was sexually abused and I don't want to trigger him with my tiny problems.
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Mallika Offline
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Re: I experienced things - April 11th 2020, 08:42 AM

Hi there,

Thank you so much for your honest sharing. I can only imagine what a roller-coaster ride it must have been for you. I'm so sorry to hear about all the awful things you have had to undergo at such a tender age.

Firstly, you did the right thing by breaking up with that girl. Not only was she toxic, she led you to do all sorts of wrong stuff that made you feel uncomfortable about yourself. So putting this distance between you and her was the right thing to do. The actions you engaged in after breaking up with her i.e. watching gore stuff or cutting yourself were most likely the aftermath of her being around you.

I'm glad to hear that you have currently stopped cutting yourself or watching such stuff - that's a HUGE step in the right direction. We are all humans and are inextricably influenced by our past, so making an effort to put the past in the past is half the battle won. From what I can make of your situation, you are being really strong about it, so keep it up!!

As for your current situation with your boyfriend, it is natural for you to feel this way after what you have been through. Let me assure you that no two individuals or experiences are alike - an experience of the past need not necessarily repeat itself. I know this is easier said than done, but perhaps you could tell yourself each day (either by writing it down in a journal or through a small prayer to the universe/whichever entity you believe in) that you are stronger than anything else and will rise above your adversities no matter how tough they are. Giving yourself this pep talk might do its part in cementing confidence in yourself. Listening to motivational podcasts/videos is a great idea too; Jay Shetty or Gaur Gopal Das have inspiring uploads on their channels. If you have an iPhone, Jay has his podcasts available for free on the Podcasts app. It's very soothing to hear something tell you words of wisdom in a practical and relatable manner.

Another nice tip that I gathered from posts by other users from the thread "Self-harm free" on TeenHelp is this - whenever you feel like engaging in cutting or hurting yourself, try channeling your thoughts and actions towards another activity. This activity can be a fixed activity e.g. something like going for a jog every time you get such a thought, or anything healthy and fun that appeals to you at that moment, e.g. cooking, baking, watering the plants, painting, etc.

Another great idea for you would be to do some volunteering, preferably at a place where you can interact with humans - a shelter for the homeless, orphanages, hospices, hospitals, etc. There is something incredibly uplifting about helping others; many have felt that giving back to the community and seeing how tough others have it has helped them in their own healing.

If and only you are open to spirituality or religion, that might be a great outlet too. Going to a place of worship of the religion you follow or even another religion might be a wonderful idea. It could be a church, mosque, Buddhist temple or a Hare Krishna temple. I have heard of many who have sought refuge through religion. Screw societal norms; we are all intuitive creatures and have the ability to connect with a higher power, and if it is a way for us to heal ourselves, why not? A lot of people are into the Law of Attraction, Power of the Universe, Affirmations and things like that, so you might want to explore those too! There are lots of videos on YouTube on those topics.

Now, I know this is counter-intuitive, but since your boyfriend has a past of sexual abuse, it might help to openly share your stories with one another? Lifting a load off the chest always does one good, and possibly you both might be able to help each other heal? It is a possibility you might want to explore.

Finally, don't be afraid to seek professional help. Find a psychologist or therapist at your local hospital/community centre and openly share about your life with them; I'm sure they will be able to give you the guidance and support you need.

You've been through a great deal for your age, young man. Be strong; there's NO WAY your demons can be stronger than you! You'll make it through this one, I'm sure!

Don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions
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Coffee. Offline
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Re: I experienced things - May 12th 2020, 03:57 PM

Hey Éole. I'm so glad you were able to get out of that incredibly unhealthy situation. That is a lot for anybody to go through, especially at 13. You did nothing wrong; somebody emotionally and sexually manipulated you. Responding to that with various coping strategies is very normal, and you have overcome so much in terms of self harm. There is no need to feel ashamed of anything you did or any of the feelings you may be having.

If available, professional help would be key. Your boyfriend and you can both out individual therapy for the childhood trauma along with couple's counseling for learning to manage within the relationship. Tbh, therapy is not just for when somebody or a couple have problems. Therapy is often preventive and there is no shame in seeking it; I think every person should at some point in their lives talk to a counselor, any any couple wanting to be the best partner they can be should as well.

If that's not available, I think starting by communicating with your partner is a great idea. There is no problem to big or small, and honestly, it may help him as well make him not feel alone. It also allows for both of you to communicate your own needs/likes/dislikes/triggers in order to ensure there is no repeated trauma.

There are many online resources as well for seeking services. RAINN has a hotline and online chats great for helping you hash out some of the feelings you may have, and may be able to connect you to local low-cost counseling and treatment in your area.

I said to the sun, "Tell me about the big bang"
& the sun said “it hurts to become."
Andrea Gibson, "I Sing The Body Electric; Especially When My Power Is Out"
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