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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
girlmeetsboy Offline
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It's Effecting My Relationship -- Help? - June 1st 2009, 11:22 PM

This is obvious. It should effect my relationship, and I know that.

It's June 1, 2009 and in 9 days it will be the four year anniversary of the day I was molested and almost raped by my friends older brother. But looking at me, no one would suspect that something like that had ever happened to me -- I'm the happy-go-lucky, always cheery, never-had-anything-terrible-happen-to kind of girl. I laugh when things get tough, I make light of serious situations, and I brush aside problems like they're barely even there. But they are there. The memories. Everything. But sometimes...sometimes I'm blessed enough to be able to forget, even for only a split second.

This past weekend my boyfriend had just gotten back from university, his parents were out of town, and Friday marked our four month anniversary. I spent the majority of the weekend at his house sleeping next to him, watching movies, and...*ahem*. But until last night I was on the recieving end of everything. And then somehow it came up if I would go down on him and...I did. It was awkward and strange and I had no idea what I was doing but then he...he started moaning. And urging me on. And it was like a ton of bricks hitting me all at once because suddenly I wasn't in bed with my adoring, gorgeous boyfriend, I was back in the dark and dirty basement with my friends older brother holding my head and whispering all he wanted to do to me.

I started gagging, I pulled away, and suddenly I was crying. I DON'T CRY. Not about things that matter -- oh sure, I read a really tragic book or watch a heartwrenching movie, then the tears come pouring out. But in real life? A friend moves away, my parents and I get into a fight, I get upset...nothing. My tear ducts are as dry as a freaking desert. But last night I started bawling and I was shaking so bad, I didn't stop for the next thirty minutes. My boyfriend was horrified with himself, started apologizing over and over again and holding me close (he knows about what happened) and I swear I think he was ready to start crying to.

But the thing is -- it's not his fault. I wanted to. I wanted to make him happy, to make him moan, to be the one in control. I wanted that. And instead I ended up making him feel like utter shit, which I can't stand, especially because he knows exactly how it feels because he was molested when he was only ten years old. And I know him. I know that he blames himself, and I don't know how to convince him otherwise. I want to. But even more, I don't know how to stop remembering. It was four years ago. I'm graduating from high school. I love my boyfriend very much. I haven't seen the guy since that night.

I know it should effect my life. I know that this was a horrible thing to happen. But I just want to know. When will it go away? When will it stop interferring with my life?
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Bill Mather
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Re: It's Effecting My Relationship -- Help? - June 2nd 2009, 02:04 AM

I don't remember when or where, but I once heard that it takes like 5-10 times to get over it. I know this may be a long time, but there is nothing that you can do to help. I don't know what else to say, but hang in there. Stay strong. You can make it through.

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Re: It's Effecting My Relationship -- Help? - June 2nd 2009, 05:32 AM

Mara, I feel your pain that you're going thru. When will it go away? The only thing that can happen is that you end up not remembering it anymore. Here's what happened--everytime you engage in sex, you're going to end up having a flashback of the abuse. Its too soon for you to try to have sex. What you need to do is to seek counselling & talk a/b the abuse & what its doing to your life. If you don't talk it out w/a counselor & you try to keep on pushing it deep into your subconscious, its gonna keep on coming right back up in the form of flashbacks. The flashbacks are a way that the subconscius is telling the mind that its time to release these memories & to work them over to release their sting & you learn that you are MASTER of them & that they can't harm you anymore. It was not the fault of either of you, ok? You had no way of knowing how the mind was going to respond to what you were doing, which comes naturally. This is something thats gonna take time & also effort to emotionally work thru, & you will end up becoming master of your feelings & memories again. If there's anything you would like to talk a/b, feel free to PM me a/b it. I can help you if you want it.

To ease anothers heartache is to forget one's own
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Re: It's Effecting My Relationship -- Help? - June 3rd 2009, 09:28 PM


I'm so sorry for all the pain you're feeling. Its not fair and it never will be. You shouldn't have to feel like this. No one has the right to come into your life and ruin things for you.

I can relate to you a lot. The same type of thing happened in my relationship. I know how it feels but that won't make it okay for you. I'm not sure what will. But I can tell you that my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and with trust and time, things get easier. I still have those days when my past is all I think about, it makes it hard to do ANYTHING sexual, it makes it hard to let him rub my back, but its getting better.

Talking about it helps. It really does, and I'm so happy for you because you found the courage to speak up to your boyfriend, and to find advice from us. I have been in your postition, my boyfriend did the same things. He was upset because he felt like he forced me into everything, even when he didn't and I know he would never ever try to.

Right now, the best thing to do is try to limit yourself to the sexual activities you and your boyfriend do. Because you can't control your feelings and you are never quite sure when your past will be triggered. You may be fine one time, and you may break apart the next time, and to me the pain and emotional rollercoaster just isn't worth it.

Waiting until you're confident and ready will help your relationship and you. Things like this don't go away overnight and I'm sure you know that. I laugh a lot too, but when something like this happened I just kept pressuring myself to get better even when my mind was working faster than my heart. I kept thinking, do this, make him feel good, while my heart was breaking. He felt horrible and it only created problems for the both of us. I don't want this to happen in your relationship or anyone else's. What you feel is already enough pain.

Have you ever told anybody about this other than your boyfriend?

Its normal and logical to say that it should affect your relationship, but it DOESN"T HAVE to. You can beat those moments in which your past comes up in the moments of intimacy you and your boyfriend try to share. You didn't do anything to deserve this and its not your fault it happened. Don't be ashamed for crying ever. Its okay to let out emotions whether your laughing or crying.

When will it go away? Time, trust, effort, strentgh, talking about it, coming to terms and geting closure of what happened.

You're doing the best you can right now and it seems like you've got an amazing boyfriend to help you through the way you're feeling. I can't tell you whether or not it'll get worse or better, but life does go on and you have everything you need to make everything okay, or better than okay.

I'm sorry if this reply is a bit of a ramble, but I felt the need to tell you a lot because I know where you are right now and I hating being there.

Just try to talk about it and wait until your ready to get intimate again.

Hang in there, things will be okay,

Love is all we need. :]
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