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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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How is This Supposed to Work Out? - June 6th 2009, 06:03 AM

I'm just gonna go ahead and spit it out.

Because I was raped when I was 6 years old by my overly-hormonal teenage neighbor I now have a problem or two. Now that I'm a teenager I have hormonal issues (not as bad as his I presume) but because of what he did to me I keep seeing this hormonal thoughts as an evil thing. It makes me feel sick to think that I might be thinking some of the same things he was thinking- not so much as thinking about raping anyone, especially a little kid. But the fact that I have sexual hormones now and I guess that it makes me one step closer to him.

2.) How am I supposed to have sexual relations with my future husband if I'm already so fagile with sexual acts? I want to have kids some day, but how am I going to push past the memories and just enjoy sex with my husband.

^ I'm not too worried about #2 at the moment. That's not going to happen for awhile. Number 1 is my main concern right now. I'm just now scaling up in my hormones to where I like reading sexual stories. Not sadistic ones of course, but ones where the partners love eachother and will stay together.

It's just bothersome. I just feel bad about it.


   
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Re: How is This Supposed to Work Out? - June 6th 2009, 10:19 AM

Hunny you have nothing to worry about, your 16 ? and what you are feeling is completely normal and natural. I have been in the exact same situation, i was abused by my Dad when i was 4, but as a young child who then idolised her dad i convinced myself i had imagined the whole thing. For years i punished myself believeing i was sick and evil for imagining such sexually horrific things about my amazing Dad.
Whatever thoughts you have now - hormonal ones are ALLOWED, you went through one of the most horrific things anyone can, you cannot just magically heal, it takes time, years and years, and although what happened to you was ten years ago in the grand scheme of things it was not that long ago. You was then a child ( remember that) so not one single thing of what he did was your fault and never will be, and your still in your youth now which to an extent is still your childhood.
As far as worrying as far ahead as your husband and children, you have all the time in the world for that, maybe even another 10 years at least, i STILL worry about what kind of mother i will be, i pray that my own abuse will not affect how paranoid or possesive i am with my children, but of course it will. I'm now with my boyfriend and you know something my own childhood abuse is not even an issue between us! i would never ever have thought it would not be there, not in the corners of my mind always lurking, my boyfriend knows i was abused not the details and you know what that doesnt even matter, what you will have with your boyfriend or husband will be so different and new, something just for YOU that it wont even involve your abuse at all, it simply wont be an issue with him, because that relationship will be YOURS and his, nothing to do with your past. You seem to be in a vicious cycle of thinking " what if...this happens.. or that happens" Right now all you need to concentrate on is YOU. Everything else will sort itself out in time, time is the biggest healer of anything, and you will never forget what was done to you, i wont patronise you and say you will for get because you wont, but you will heal.. more and more so everyday.
Dont worry too much about the future and what right now is not in your control, the guilt you are feeling regarding these hormones is basically guilt that is instilled in you from that abuse. At 19 i still feel soooo guilty over the smallest things, i worry i have any badness in me passed on from my dad but deep down i know i dont, i am not him, i am me - a good person, like you are too. I know thats easy for me to say and hard for you to believe but one day i hope you do realise it. It's ok to grow up to feel sexual and even sexy,that is normal, but the abuse that happened kinda makes you feel like it isnt that its unatural, because you were sexualised way too young, that guilt it unfairly pushed onto the abused when it should always lie at the abusers door.
hope this helped x
   
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Re: How is This Supposed to Work Out? - June 6th 2009, 02:05 PM

Hey there,

You seem pretty worried about all of this and I promise its completely understandable. What happened to you was something you had NO control over.


Rape is usually done for a sense of control. But when a teenager is raping a younger child, in more cases its done for sexual pleasure. Just because he had raging hormones does not give him the excuse to use you to calm them down. It was not okay and you are not like him in any way.


As you get older, it is only natural to develop sexual hormones. It comes with age, and it does not make you like him. What happened to you was a complete misfortune and I'm deeply sorry for everything you've had to go through.


Its normal to think about sexual things and feel some sexual urges. Although sometimes, those who start sexual activity at a young age especially against their will, sometimes tend to have stronger sexual urges than normal. But from what you've said I feel that the way you're feeling is just normal teenage behavior.


So with that said, what you feel, and/or think about does NOT make you disgusting, at all. It does not make you like him at all. Sexual urges are completely normal and it does make sense for you to feel this way.


Its hard not to think about the future, but you're right when you say it is a long time away. But depending on your values and veiws on sex, and sexual activites, they may come before marriage. When you go through something like you its hard to enjoy sexual activities or moments of intimacy because we end up tracing our minds back to the moments where we were younger and being taken advantage of. Being able to take part in these thigs with either a boyfriend or husband comes with trust, and recovery, and those things come with time and patience.


Have you ever talked to a therapist about this? Therapy is a great thing that can help you feel as though these feelings are normal, after all we are not professionals, but they are. Talking to a therapist about this may help you to feel better about life right now and it may help you to be less nervous about the future that awaits you no matter how far it may be from today.


What you feel is normal and you should not feel guilty or ashamed.


Take care of yourself,
-Christina


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Re: How is This Supposed to Work Out? - June 7th 2009, 05:33 AM

Thank you guys. Your words have made me feel so much better! And yes I have a therapist, but she's in such high demand that she's hard to get to. Lol. However she said that when I'm ready to talk about it we'll talk about it. ^_^


   
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Re: How is This Supposed to Work Out? - June 8th 2009, 02:02 AM

Thats great you have plans to talk about it.

I hope you get the chance to sometime very soon.


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Re: How is This Supposed to Work Out? - June 8th 2009, 02:18 AM

I'm fourteen, and I myself THOROUGHLY enjoy porn and reading erotic fiction.

Now, EVERYONE has sexual urges. What he did has nothing to do with sexual urges, it has to do with the kind of person he was. See, the kind of person he was turned to raping a child to deal with these urges. A person like you is turning to some harmless online fiction and not even contemplating raping anyone. See the difference? Just talk to your therapist about it. It's normal to have a few issues after something like that happening to you, but you can definately work your way through it so you and that husband can be perfectly happy someday
   
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Re: How is This Supposed to Work Out? - June 10th 2009, 07:31 AM

I guess I always just worry about becoming sick like him. I don't want to hurt little kids. But sometimes I get these random thoughts in my head, "That little kid has cute thighs" "They have such a cute face" but then there's this thought that makes me sick that I don't even choose to think, "I'd totally do them." I always reason it out, like "No you wouldn't. If they were your age, then you might. But you'd never do something like that."

Is that something that everyone thinks about. I told my Mom and she said that she looks at younger guys all the time, but I'm thinking, "Yeah but not at little kids."

I don't want to hurt little kids. I love kids. I want to have some of my own some day and make sure that nothing bad such as rape or sexual abuse happens to them.

Why do I think those thoughts? Are they uncontrollable? Are they lust? Are they merely just my mind playing tricks on itself? I don't really understand.


   
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