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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Fallen Angel Offline
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I got my counselling appointments through - June 10th 2009, 02:34 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Today, after over a year on the waiting list, I got my counselling appointments through. As of this friday, I have to go see a counsellor every week until I'm fixed.

I'm terrified. I know I put myself on the list and stuff but I figured they'd forgotten about me. I've been on the list now since April 2008. And my mum went on the list in September; and she already got her appointments through. So I thought, that maybe they'd forgotten me, I guess I kind of hoped. I've never been this scared.

I've never talked about my abuse. My mum, my best friend and my fiance know it happened, they know who did it but thats all. I'm not sure that I'm ready to talk yet. Its all still so fresh in my mind. I've only been free from it for just over 18 months. It started when I was 15. Which is kind of old I guess; Danielle, my best friend says that it isn't the same as when people are abused as children. Children can't stop it. Maybe I could of, maybe I really did ask for it. I don't know.

How will I know when I'm fixed? Will it just stop hurting? Will the flashbacks stop? Will I ever be the same as I once was? I can't remember what its like to not have flashbacks. I've been abused twice; only my fiance knows that. Well I guess, you do now too. The first time, I was 13. It didn't last long. And that now seems so long ago that its almost irrelevent. I can barely remember it. I get flashbacks, every-so-often, sure. But not as vivid as the second time.

How does someone manage to get abused by two seperate people, at different times in their lives? I got sexually assaulted twice too, its easy to talk about that. I've had so much worse happen. That sexual assault almost seems, I dunno, tame? Like, is that the best you've got? I don't know, oh man. So many flashbacks today. I think maybe I do ask for it. Maybe its just something I do, I don't know how to stop it, because I don't know what it is.

When will it stop? Are any of you fixed? I feel so broken, so pointless, so empty. I've got an urge to self harm today as well, its been a while; like over a year. I can't give in; but at the same time, maybe it'd hurt less. My fiance gets so scared when I get this down. He worries, that he'll come home from work one day and I'll be here, but not. You know. Just lying dead somewhere. I hate feeling this way, but I sometimes think, that maybe if I were dead that it wouldn't hurt any more. I just want it to stop hurting.

There'sAlwaysFreeCheeseInsideTheRatTrap . . . .

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Re: I got my counselling appointments through - June 10th 2009, 09:35 PM

First off, well done for putting yourself on the list. I know from personal experience that it can be a very hard step to make. My guess is the reason your mothers appointments came through quicker is simply that she has different needs. Either they thought she was more urgent, or that she needed a different person and there waiting list was shorter.
At first it may be really hard to talk about the abuse, but they will let you take your time, you don't need to say anything until you are ready, you can just talk about your week, your family, anything. Its also perfectly ok to just sit in silence. And when you do start to talk about it, there is absolutely no pressure to say everything at once. You can say one sentence about it, and then if you don't want to go on stop.
The flashbacks may take a while to stop, but they will stop. Ask your counsellor about this in the first session, because its not going to be an instant thing. It may be that you are never back to what you were, but you will get better, and it will get easier.
No one asks to be abused, or hurt or assaulted. This is in no way, shape or form your fault. Its quite common when someone is abused once that it can happen again, because the first abuse can make you weaker, and people who do this type of thing can pick up on that, and will take advantage because they think that we are less likely to report it, say no etc.
None of us can tell you when it will stop, I'm really sorry I wish I could. It will take time. But you will get better. I am so much better than I was 3 months ago, and I had been ill for so long I thought even getting a little better was simply impossible, but if it happened for me, it can for you too. I promise you it will hurt less.
PM me any time if you want to talk even just to chat

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it is real and as sure as the first evening star
can't touch it, or buy it, or lock it up tight
but its there just the same
making things turn out right


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Re: I got my counselling appointments through - June 12th 2009, 10:38 AM

Its today. I feel sick. And I'm scared. I don't like it

There'sAlwaysFreeCheeseInsideTheRatTrap . . . .

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Re: I got my counselling appointments through - June 12th 2009, 04:21 PM

Im so sorry that you feel scared. Its a good thing that you made the step to put yourself on the list. And, someday, you will think that talking to your counselor is a good thing too. No one can tell you when it will stop hurting, when the flashbacks stop, because its different for everyone. We all heal and cope differently. What happened to you was horrible, and Im sorry you went through it but what you need to understand is that what your friend told you about kids not being able to stop it? Some adults cant stop it either. Men and women are abused across the world daily. If a man is physically not able to stop abuse from happening, then why should you have been able to stop yours? Could you have told someone? not necessairly. Its scary sharing what is happening. But in telling someone now, you are helping yourself heal. If you dont feel like talking about what happened, just talk about anything else. Friends, your wedding, future plans, heck even the weather.

We are all here for you, and feel free to message us anytime.
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Re: I got my counselling appointments through - June 14th 2009, 02:41 AM


You should be so proud of yourself for putting your name on the waiting list. That can be a very hard thing for people to do. Also, you don't have to talk about the things that happened to you in the very firist session if you don't want to. You can slowly build trust with your counselor and go from there. The counselor won't pressure you, in fact the counselor will probably completely understand if you have trouble discussing what occured.

No one deserves to be raped and no one asks for it. Your friend said that it is different with kids because they can't stop it but in reality neither can adults or adolescents. Here's the thing, when a person is raped they feel as if they have no control over what is happening and they feel like they are too weak to stop it and in some ways they are. Not weak in spirit or anything like that but the person commiting the acts is to strong physically or mentally(the person mentally degrades their victim).

As for your comment about having it happen to you more than once and maybe there is something wrong with you or you asked for it; that is false as well. I don't know why this is, exactly, but it is a known fact that people who are abused have a higher chance of being abused again. Besides, no one asks to be raped. So, please don't believe that.

The flashbacks will go away with time. Please stay strong and if you need someone to talk to pm or aim me.

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