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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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boyfriend was raped as a child and as a result is racist, violent, and homophobic - June 27th 2009, 05:48 AM

When my boyfriend was 9 he was raped. Right after he was raped, his brother walked in the room and shot the guy in the head...
I imagine that that was an INTENSELY traumatic experience for him, and it makes me SO angry that this happened to him, or happens to anyone at all.

Because of this (some other traumatic events too, but this one mostly, according to him), he got into drugs and violence a lot when he was young. He went to juvi a lot, was in a gang, and just basically went down a bad path.

Anyway, he was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and a bunch of other depression/anxiety related stuff, and was prescribed a lot of medication, and also has a medical marijuana card.

Now he has his drug problems behind him (he went to rehab several times for coke) and is out of gangs (he's still on probation, but he's been out of jail for 3 years now, and is starting to cover up his gang tattoos).

Anyway... Even though I can tell he's a great guy, and I KNOW he would never be violent with me, he has a really bad temper. If people run into him on the street and do so much as look at him wrong (or check me out), he'll fuck them up. He'll just start threatening them, and if they dont back down he'll fight them.
The main problem I'm having now is that I know he has killed people in the past when he was in a gang... I tried asking him about it, because it really did make me uncomfortable, but he said he really didn't wanna talk about it so I left it alone.
What do I do? I really really don't feel comfortable being with someone who has taken other peoples lives... I realize that my boyfriend went through A LOT of shit, but I dont know... It's not an excuse to kill people.

Another problem...

He is a little racist and homophobic...
His parents are the complete opposite, so he doesn't really show it, but its definitely there.
For example, I was talking about one of my ex's who was black, and he got SO mad. He started yelling at me, "THAT SHIT REALLY TURNS MY STOMACH, STUPID FUCKING N*****"
The man who raped him was black. I mean. I dont wanna be like "you racist pig!" cause i know he went through something traumatic, and honestly, i sort of understand if he would be maybe skeptical about black people, but i really dont like the way he talks about it and yells it, especially on the streets when he's fighting or threatening people.

Also... today we were on the bus, and some people behind us were being really loud and annoying and rowdy talking about stuff stereotypically associated with gay people (butt sex, etc). My boyfriend was like "ew, thast disgusting" and turned to them and said "hey, nobody wants to hear that shit"
so basically they got hella mad (two lesbian chicks, 2 gay guys) and kept talking shit back. my boyfriend kept at it, and turned it into yelling about how they were fags and how gay marriage is unnatural (according to his religion), and how he voted yes on prop 8...
after he said that i was like "hey, dont say that, thats not cool. you cant think whatever you want, but dont bring those politics on the bus and stuff and shove it in peoples faces,"etc.
anyway, eventually we got off the bus and he was still cussing them out calling them dykes and shit and yeah...
the thing is, he doesn't really have a problem with lesbians so he says (im bisexual, so i dont know if he's just saying that), just gay men. i feel like that has to do with him getting raped... but i dont want to bring it up.

---

i love him, and i want to be with him, but sometimes i really wonder if it's in my best interests.
also, i want to help him in any way i can... i know its not my job or responsiblity to "save him" or whatever, but i just wanna be there for him as much as i can, because i cant even IMAGINE going through what he did...

anyway...
any advice?
what can i say to him?
should i still be with hiM?

it even pains me to write the title of this post. i can see how he sounds like a bad guy to anyone reading this, but (even though it sounds cliche) i KNOW he's a good guy, and he's already cleaned up SO much and i know he loves me SO much and would do anything for me... its hard to explain the situation, you know? because i HATE having people say or think bad shit about him... like in the situation on the bus today one of the girls yelled something really rude at him, and i straight up couldnt help myself and turned around and was like "bitch i will fucking scratch your eyes out if you ever talk to him like that ever again"...

help me be there for him, please

he's 21, if that helps
   
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Re: boyfriend was raped as a child and as a result is racist, violent, and homophobic - June 29th 2009, 07:45 AM

Hey,

First off I wanted to say that your boyfriend doesn't sound like a bad guy(his behavior does) he sounds kind of lost though.

I am glad that he has overcome a lot of the things he has and it sounds like he has suffered a lot but in the end your safety comes first.

Firstly, have you suggested therapy? Maybe if he got into therapy and really started talking about the things that happened he would overcome some of his anger issues, racist issues, and violent tendnecies.

If you don't think he will listen to you do you think he will listen to his family? Do you think you could talk to his family and ask them to help you get him help?

You shouldn't do anything that will anger him and that is where the problem might be; because if talking to him about these things will anger him you probably shouldn't do it.

Also, I can't tell you whether or not to stay with him or leave him because that has to be your choice.

I know this didn't help much. Sorry. But I just wanted to let you know that I am here if you ever need to talk. And, if you need anything else feel free to pm me.


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