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Through-Glass Offline
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Name: Jessi
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No Big Deal. - June 27th 2009, 03:20 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

That afternoon tasted of popsicles, sunshine and summer bliss. We played make believe, pretending to be dragons and characters from stories we loved. We road bikes and climbed trees in the woods.

Behind a tree, he cornered me. The boy I had played with all day, all summer, all year. I could taste his grape popsicle in his breath. His hands were dirty from playing, his scent held grass blades and beads of sweat as he stepped closer to me. His hands carrassed my flesh, under the shirt, nails in my heart. I protested meekly, then allowed this invasion to continue.

He held my newly developed breasts tenderly for a few moments before releasing me. I walked home leisurely, climbing into bed and crying until dawn. I plotted a deathly escape the whole night.

Does it really matter? Was it such a big deal? Is this experience I have stowed under my pillow and mind comparable to social drama? I was just beginning to label this experience as an assault; now, however, the voice in the back of my mind is whispering to me. You weren't abused. You're just a slut.

In my heart, I know I got off easy. I know that I was not raped or touched by an adult. Can a child really abuse another child? Can an innocence be destroyed by innocence? I do not think so.

As I cry, I hate every inch of my despair; I know it is not warranted. I know I do not deserve to still feel fresh pain over a tiny incident that happened seven years ago.

It was, after all, no big deal.

"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
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Re: No Big Deal. - June 27th 2009, 05:30 PM

i once got told it is possible for another child to abuse another child. but i duno.
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Jen Offline
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Re: No Big Deal. - June 27th 2009, 06:41 PM


I am so sorry this happened to you. I can sense, through your writing, how invaded, degraded, and upset you felt, and still feel. I think that the label is the least important thing. We could all argue if we were raped, assaulted, abused, invaded, etc. But when it comes down to it, Jessi, the label hardly matters. What matters is how it felt. What matters is how it affected you. What matters is how it is still affecting you. And it's very clear that this truly affected you and is continuing to play a part of your life--and that is what's important. I am so sorry this happened, Jessi. Did you ever tell anyone about it? It might be helpful to mention to someone you trust.

Take good care of yourself, okay? PM me anytime.

"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Re: No Big Deal. - June 27th 2009, 07:11 PM

Hey Jessi,

Im really sorry that this happened to you, Im not surprised you felt awful. The truth is the same thing happened to me, boys in my class kept touching me and feeling my boobs and smacking my bum. To other people in the class they never seemed to think it a big deal or anything but to me it hurt me really badly inside. I felt the same way as you and just blamed myself and told myself I was being stupid and over reacting. The truth is though Jessi, your NOT a slut because of this. You didnt ask for it to happen, you said yourself that you protested, he should have listened to you. It was wrong for him to keep going. Does anybody else know about what happened to you? Maybe you could confide in somebody because it does help, I told a councellor and she was helpful. Please don't let this drag you down though because your worth so much more Jessi. You did nothing wrong and you are perfectly entitled to your feelings.

Take care of yourself,

PM // VM
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Re: No Big Deal. - June 28th 2009, 01:39 AM

Hey Jessi,

I am so sorry that you went through that and I do think that it is possible for another child to abuse another child. But, the thing is you didn't deserve it no matter what. Have you ever considered talking to someone about this? I don't know it might be too hard to talk about which is completely understandable but a professional(maybe a therapist) might help you realize that you didn't do anything wrong and that another child can hurt another child. I mean, and this is the best example I can give, when a brother hurts his sibling and I mean really hurts his sibling, that is a youth hurting another youth. You did nothing wrong and you are not a slut.

Jessi, I read a book(fictional) called Lesson's from a dead girl(weird title) it is actually about youth's hurting youth's maybe you could read it and get some insight? However, it might be really triggering so if you do decide to read it be careful.

Please don't blame yourself and if you need someone to talk about please feel free to pm me.

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Re: No Big Deal. - June 28th 2009, 03:05 AM

Hey, I agree with what the others have said, I just wanted to add that it is often a normal reaction to abuse/assault to try and downplay it, to feel like what happened was "not that bad" - I know I've felt like that. But the truth is, it still affects us, even if it only happened once, even if it wasn't an adult. Try to remember that this in no way makes you a slut and that you have every right to feel upset about this.

"But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't, and how you hurt yourself on the outside... to try to kill the thing on the inside." [Girl Interrupted]
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