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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Yamada Offline
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Unhappy Help Me, I'm breaking - June 28th 2009, 02:28 AM

Hi,

This is my first post so I don't really know how to do this.
For about a year I was molested and raped by my two neighbors when I was 6. At age 7 we moved away. At age nine I told my mother and the only thing she said was "Don't tell your father".
My mothers a very religious muslim and she thinks this is wrong and shes very ashamed of what happened. We don't discuss it.
I've told 4 friends about what happened.
One was my best friend who had the same thing happen to her.
Another was a friend who made light of the situation and basically said he would use it as blackmail if I did anything.
The other friend is avoiding me and has been for a while. Basically they think that I'm overdramaticizing it and that I'm a bitch (which I am :P but I don't think I'm being overdramatic)

Other than my mom, no one else knows. And this year we went back to visit my old house and my moms friends. I refused to go, crying and screaming and my mom yelled at me. And my dad threw me out of the house saying that I was too rebellious. I feel sort of betrayed by my mother because she does nothing and honestly I can't even look at her.

Everytime I hear about rape or abuse it tears me apart. I was reading the other posts and most of them...I couldnt even finish. Hearing people talk about these things make me want to tear. It's slowly tearing me apart. And I know...you can never get over it. But I feel like I'm breaking.
I can't talk to my parents about this. I can't have guy friends because I'm very uncomfortable around men.
This is the first time I wrote about what happened to me. I used to be afraid of writing in even a diary in fear that someone would find out.
I feel very ashamed and broken and I feel like What happened is tearing me apart. Sometimes I have panic attacks and I wake up some nights crying.

On a more...embarassing note, I'm extremely sexual. EXTREMELY. I know this is related to what happened to me. But in the end I always feel dirty.
I wish I had some innocent child hood dreams. Before sex came into my life but everything I remember is always tainted by that.
Can someone help?
I don't even know what I'm asking for help for but I know I can't live like this. Constantly afraid and so fucked up.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Help Me, I'm breaking - June 28th 2009, 06:37 AM

Hey, welcome to TH. I'm so glad you found us.

You said you can't talk to your parents, but could you talk to another adult you trust? Maybe a teacher or a school counselor? Could you talk to your best friend? You might be able to help each other. What happened to you isn't right, and it's definitely not your fault.

It's understandable that things about rape and abuse are hard to deal with. I still have trouble dealing with them too.It takes a long time to be able to deal with it. And talking about it, it does help. It's easier to heal if you have people supporting you. You're right, it never goes away, but you can move on. You can make the hurt lessen.

If you need/want to talk, feel free to pm me. Take care.


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Re: Help Me, I'm breaking - June 29th 2009, 07:33 AM

Hey,

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I wanted to tell you that you should pat yourself on the back for writing down what happened; it takes a lot of courage.

You said you can't talk to your parents but do you think there is a teacher or a friend(other than the ones you told) that you could talk to about this? You might be able to talk to a school counselor as well. I am not sure how private that is though so before you do that maybe you could go and see what they have to tell your parents or what not?

Listen, you seem like a very strong person and no matter what you should not be ashamed of yourself. The ones who should be ashamed are your attackers.

Please, if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to pm me.


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Re: Help Me, I'm breaking - June 29th 2009, 09:35 PM

I don't really have anyone to talk to at school. I go to a high school with over 1000 kids in my year and the teachers don't really notice me. After talking to my friends [the ones I told] I sort of don't want to tell any other friends. I'm 14 and so are all my friends. I don't think they'd understand anything I'm going through. And I don't want pity. I can't talk to any family members because they would feel the same way as my mother. I really don't have anyone at the moment.
My best friend and I...well thats a long story. But at the moment we're in a fight and I don't think thats going to end any time soon.
Honestly...I know it's supposed to get better. But it isnt. Everything in my life seems to come back to that. My lack of trust, my lack of guy friends, my fear of being alone. It's like my whole life is screwed up because of that and I don't know what to do.


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Re: Help Me, I'm breaking - June 30th 2009, 03:31 AM

I am sorry everything is so complicated at the moment. Do you think you could go to a counselor?

What about getting involved in clubs at your school, making friends that way and then, when you start trusting those new friends, telling one of them? It could be worth a shot. Not only that but if you join some clubs you might not feel so alone even if you don't feel like you can tell anyone because you still might make some decent friends, what do you think?

Hope this helped and if you need someone to talk to pm me or msn or aim.


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Re: Help Me, I'm breaking - June 30th 2009, 03:53 AM

Hey there,

I'm so sorry to hear about what' you've been going through, hun. Some of my friends have been sexually abused, and I know how horridly tough and complicated it can make things. Is there a counselor at your school you could try talking to? You deserve to be able to tell someone what's gone on who will understand - and I promise, there are people out there who will and who won't just dismiss it as drama - and be able to help you figure out how to sort through things. Or are there any older relatives, like an adult cousin or aunt or something, whom you could talk to?

And by the way, I'm really proud of you for posting here. That took a lot of courage. So good job

Hang in there.


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Re: Help Me, I'm breaking - July 3rd 2009, 02:39 AM

I can't talk to a councelor.
The ones in my school are not people you can open up to
and my friends...well theyre really nice but its trust issues from the last few times I told someone what happened that stops me from telling them.
Honestly even if I told someone I don't think anything would really change.
:\


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Re: Help Me, I'm breaking - July 3rd 2009, 06:37 AM

Hey there,

I understand about the school counselors - not every therapist is right for every person. But that doesn't mean that there isn't someone who you could work with - finding the right person can actually help bring up a lot of new ideas and approaches to things that weren't thought of before. Or, could you try calling a helpline, like Hopeline (1-800-442-HOPE)? They're there to listen and talk themselves, and they might be able to help you find someone to see in person. And there's not necessarily any sort of commitment involved, which can help with the trust thing.

Or are there any extended family members, like aunts or cousins or even friends' parents, that you'd be comfortable talking to?

Hang in there, hun. You deserve to feel better, and we're gonna stick with you until ya get there


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Re: Help Me, I'm breaking - July 3rd 2009, 07:15 AM

Hey there,

I think the hotlines would be a good idea. It would give you someone to talk too in times of feeling alone and they might be able to help you find somewhere in your area where you could talk or something.

As for your friends, I can understand that, trust is a big thing especially given what happened the last time you told but sometimes you just have to take a leap. And, your right it might not change anything but it could and if it does then it would be worth the risk.

Hang in there and if you need to talk feel free to pm me.


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