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Thinking - July 3rd 2009, 09:57 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have been thinking a lot about stuff that happened to me in high school and junior high too.

When I was in junior high guys would say things like so and so wants to get into your pants and it was very embarassing, kind of demeaning too. It was as if, just because I was the fat girl they could treat me however they wanted. And that was very hard to deal with.

Then high school came along. I went to a new school with new people, entirely(Pretty much any ways). I figured things would be different, people would be better and if not I hoped I would be able to blend into the furniture so to speak.

But, that didn't happen at all. The boys seemed to be drawn to me and they picked on me but instead of saying cruel things they did things to me. They would touch me inappropriately and stuff like that. It only happened on occasion but it really sucked and it hurt and it was weird because there was this other girl who they picked on(glorianne) but they never touched her inappropriately like they did me.

There was this one incident in class where this guy started to touch me. Slowly working his way up my body...I just froze. The people around me, people I thought were decent people laughed and encouraged him on. I felt like utter crap and I did nothing at all.

Any way, the year progressed and I tried to ignore what was going on. Slowly it stopped and by the 10th grade they pretty much left me alone. However they didn't leave Glorianne alone and by this time we had become friends. They never touched her like they did me but they made 'mooing' jokes and such.

I never really stuck up for her, except once when I told a teacher something that occured, and I don't think she ever understood. And, in some way I was grateful that it was me and not her that they were doing it too. I know that makes me a horrible person but if it would have continued I think it would have gotten really bad and to the point where I dropped out or they did something really bad.

I know that what they did isn't even that bad but it still makes me feel so...dirty. Like I should have told someone or done something. I think back to it all the time and I think back to the things I should have done or said. I could have pushed them away or told or said 'get the f&^k off me' but would that have made it better or worse?

I know living in the past is bad but it is hard because I didn't do anything at all; I didn't at least try to stop it.

Blah.


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Re: Thinking - July 4th 2009, 04:16 PM

Jenna,

I know you know this, but I want to remind you--beating yourself up for what you did, or did not do, is not going to help anything. The ONLY thing it's going to do is make you feel worse. And right now you're having a hard time as it is, so it doesn't make sense to make yourself feel any worse, you know?

You did try to stop it--you told a teacher. And also, Jenna, you were scared and upset. You were doing the best you could to protect yourself, and that's the fact. It does sound like it's still very much upsetting you, which makes sense. What do you think is MOST upsetting you? I think that something that could be helpful for you is to practice self-compassion instead of self-abuse. Instead of beating yourself up for what you "should" have done, what if you tried taking care of yourself, being proud of yourself for telling the teacher, feeling sad for yourself that this happened to you. Self-compassion is always always always the way to go.

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Re: Thinking - July 6th 2009, 10:19 PM

Hey Jenna,

First of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry good people like you and your friend have to endure this kind of treatment. What happened to you was wrong and you didn't deserve any of it. People like the ones who treated you like that will have problems in the future. They might even have trouble living with their actions in the future. Being bullied is hard, and being the bully can become even harder. I can't tell you the best way for you to heal, but a good start is telling your story. You should be proud of yourself. It's hard to relive the past. It's even harder to tell the details and admit that someone else harmed you. What happened and how you feel doesn't make you weak or less of a person. If anything, you're going to be stronger. You'll be able to deal with this and eventually cope. You can do this and I have no doubt about this. You can move past it and turn this into something to positively benefit you. You're so strong for continuing and I applaud you for it and encourage you to continue.

Like you said, it isn't ever good to dwell on the past. You can't change what happened and wondering "what if" will only make you feel worse. To tell you the truth, there will always be something we could have done better to handle a situation. The trick is to learn from the past and try harder the next time to do what we should have done. At the time, I can't see many people who would have done different than you. After being bullied so long, it's hard to stick up for yourself - especially when things get physical. You did your best, and you made it through. That says something. It says you're strong and you're not going to give up because things get rough. Just because you didn't have a face to face confrontation, doesn't mean you did nothing. You did try to confront a teacher. Sometimes, we simply can't make ourselves do what we think we should. Bottom line, you're far from horrible. You were there for your friend and you didn't get any pleasure from what happened. When we're scared, doing anything is sometimes impossible. It's okay that you were scared. It's okay to admit that you were confused and you have every right to need time to heal. Don't take yourself down and concentrate on the things you could have done. Because you can't do them. Look at everything you did do. You did good and now it's time to heal. I think you might want to talk to a professional, they can help you heal and learn to accept yourself. What happened was probably very traumatic and it's okay to admit that you might need a few pointers on healing healthy. You are a good person, and your friend is lucky to have you stand beside her. Don't ever doubt that you're a good person. :] If you need anything, don't be shy. We're all here for you, and I'm a PM away.

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Re: Thinking - July 10th 2009, 02:19 AM

Aww hun I know how this is as I was the girl all the guys made fun of in school too and I know how it feels to regret not taking up for someone but all you can do now is stick up for whoever needs a friend and not judge others and know that no matter what people say your pretty in your own way. Everyone is pretty on your own way! Hope this helps


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