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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lil-x Offline
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Unhappy So scared! - July 6th 2009, 08:38 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm so nervous; tomorrow I'm going to the hospital. To get tested for STD/STI's, I haven't been since the sexual abuse of which well they touched me with cum on their fingers, physically forced me to give oral sex and I had unprotected sex with someone who I didn't know their sexual history, and well they were 25.

I'm only 13, what if i've caught something? I can't deal with this as well! I got pregnant so what are the chances i've caught something? I know they aren't actually linked but after thinking that was "unlikely"; I proved against that.

I doubt fate would allow me to get past this one..

I just want someone to tell me it's all going to be ok.

I can't deal with this. It's to much, why don't I just cut now, or i'll die of anorexia anyway. That isn't a piss take.

I can't do this, I'm breaking again. Why me? This is fucking hell.

I want to cut and have my baby back and be thin and get justice for what they did to me, but for two of those. I'll never have. I should die now, someone or something will kill me sooner or later.

I'm so sorry i'm not happy or good enough guys. Your all so good to me.

xx

Last edited by SimplyComplex; July 9th 2009 at 01:25 AM. Reason: Moved to the Rape and Abuse forum, I think it fits better here.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
rozamond Offline
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Re: So scared! - July 6th 2009, 09:40 PM

IT IS GOING TO BE OK.

Its so upsetting to hear about all this. And all you've had to put up with. But i'm glad you're speaking out about it. Its good to talk. People are here for you.

FIRST Dont be nervous, wouldn't you rather know? And if you had unprotected sex regardless of getting preg you can still get something. Just go and get checked out. Do that first before getting worried incase you have something etc. One Step at a time.

SECOND Stop it. Stop beating yourself up about it. You're just letting them win. You're stronger than this & you know you are.

THIRD Why are you hurting yourself? Dont cut because of them. Hurting yourself is just justification that it was ok for them to hurt you.

DONT LET THIS BEAT YOU.

You're still here and coping, it means alot.

We're all here for you.

Keep yah chin up, just go to the doctors. You'll be fine.

xxx
   
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Re: So scared! - July 6th 2009, 10:00 PM

--Oh my gosh. First of all, I am so, terribly sorry that you had to go through all of that. I wish I could hug you through TH, because I know you could really use one, right now. *hugs you via TH*

1) The best you can do right now, is calm down. Be calm, relax, and try to get a good night's sleep tonight. If your test results show that you have an STD/STI, then you're going to get treated, and you're going to get better--that's a good thing. If it turns out that you don't have an STD/STI, then that's even better. Just try to remain calm...it won't do you any good to get so stressed out, even if you are rightfully nervous.

2) Please do not cut yourself. Cutting is really very dangerous, and is something you should never, ever do. You don't want to add onto your already delicate situation. It won't do you any good. If it's too much to deal with already, then why add onto that?

3) As for your anorexia, are you being treated for anorexia, currently? If you aren't, that's something you should talk to your doctors about when you go to the hospital, tomorrow. Please get help right away, if you haven't already. My best friend was anorexic, and suicidal--just like you. It's been two years, and she's gotten so much better. She's healthy, and perfectly fine, now. Cheerful, too. She has a lot of good friends supporting her, just like you have friends here on TH to support you.

4) You can too do this. You can get through this. And when you do get through this, you are going to be so proud of yourself, and all of us on TH are going to be proud of you, too.

5) Where is your baby now? Was it a closed adoption? And were any of the people involved turned in?

6) Keep living, because life is beautiful. Life can be cruel at times, but life is worth living. Your life is worth living. You never know when your life might change for the better. Don't give up! You know in your heart that you're stronger than that.

7) You are too good enough. We've got your back

Best of Luck, Tomorrow.
   
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Re: So scared! - July 6th 2009, 11:51 PM

Hey, lil keep your chin up. It is going to be alright. Regardless of what they tell you after that test, you will get through this. I'm sorry you were abused, but you can't allow it to run you life. You have to push through everything with the struggles that come and setbacks that will always be there, you have to get through it on your feet and head on. And I know you can. You're strong to have gotten through what you did. No matter what they tell you in that doctor's office, you are still the same strong person and you can beat anything. All of us are here for you, no matter what happens, rooting you on and cheering as you move forward. Best of luck to you, keep your eyes on the future and never give up. If you ever need someone to talk to one on one, I'm here for you and my PM box is open.


I love the name of honour more than I fear death.
   
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Re: So scared! - July 7th 2009, 04:13 PM

Thanks for all your support, it means a lot. I don't find out the results for 2 weeks, although i'd already got the all-clear for chlamydia. I don't know how i'm going to get through this. I just want it to end.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaze_akeboshi View Post
If it's too much to deal with already, then why add onto that?
Because cutting is how I cope, I want to be in pain as it numbs the memories and all I can think of is the pain. It stops my thoughts and releases my emotions. I realise it's just making things worse for me but i'm finding it so hard to stop. Although, I haven't cut for 5 days now, not much but ah well..

Quote:
As for your anorexia, are you being treated for anorexia, currently?
No i'm not, I mentioned to my doctor but no i'm not getting treatment because I still look normal-ish size. So, I guess she thought I was making it up, even though I don't eat for about 4 days at a time.

Quote:
Where is your baby now? Was it a closed adoption?
I was told i'd miscarried.

Quote:
And were any of the people involved turned in?
Nope, I told nobody anything for months, and even now people don't believe me because I "didn't say anything at the time"...I'm to scared to do anything officially.

I think this has already beaten me. I let them win when it happened. I'm never going to suceed in life, so why carry on? I'm still here because I love my family, friends and TH. I don't want to let them completely take me over, I had a future before this, and I think it's there somewhere, I just don't know it. I feel dead inside.

Why am I doing this? It's obviously intended that I shouldn't be happy. I'm not religious, but fate deals me everything.

I'm not strong because I haven't gotten through this.
   
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Re: So scared! - July 7th 2009, 09:08 PM

Quote:
Because cutting is how I cope, I want to be in pain as it numbs the memories and all I can think of is the pain. It stops my thoughts and releases my emotions. I realise it's just making things worse for me but i'm finding it so hard to stop. Although, I haven't cut for 5 days now, not much but ah well..
You have to find another way to cope--self-harm is not the answer. What I find works for me is writing all of my feelings out in my journal--that helps me get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper where they make more sense. It's actually very effective, for me. Maybe that's something you can try, instead, the next time you feel the urge to cut. It might work for you, too. If not, keep looking for an alternative (that does not involve self-harm!) that works for you. & 5 days without cutting is an incredible feat--keep up the good work, I know you're trying your hardest

Quote:
No i'm not, I mentioned to my doctor but no i'm not getting treatment because I still look normal-ish size. So, I guess she thought I was making it up, even though I don't eat for about 4 days at a time.
What kind of unprofessional doctor...? That really infuriates me that you asked for help, and she didn't give it to you. Why would you lie about something like that? Honestly. --You need to ask for help again. Insist on it. Correct your doctor, and tell her that you are telling the truth, and as your doctor, she needs to give you appropriate treatment for anorexia.

Quote:
I was told i'd miscarried.
...I see. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Quote:
Nope, I told nobody anything for months, and even now people don't believe me because I "didn't say anything at the time"...I'm to scared to do anything officially.
I understand...my friend was raped by her girlfriend's ex-boyfriend when she was a little younger than you (11 yrs), and didn't take legal action, either. She had an abortion, and it was a difficult time for her, but she had her classmates' support, and pulled through okay. It's okay if you don't want to take legal action against them, but if you do, don't be afraid to--even if no one believes you, you know the truth, and they know the truth. That's the only way to have "justice", but if justice isn't what you need, then you don't have to take legal action against them if you don't want to.

Quote:
I let them win when it happened.
Quote:
I'm not strong because I haven't gotten through this.
That isn't necessarily true, & I think you want to beat this. I think you want to fight this with all of your being. And strength isn't about beating something with ease. Strength is about persistence, perseverance, and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. If you stay strong, then you win. --They don't win. They, by no means, "win". The men that did that to you are sick, disgusting pedophiles. People like that never win, because they're never satisfied.

Quote:
I think it's there somewhere, I just don't know it.
I think so, too. Don't write your future off--you're facing the worst of it, right now, you know--it will get better in time. If you overcome the anorexia, if you stop cutting yourself, if you can live with your miscarriage, and being raped, then you're in the clear. You have to stop thinking long-term when it comes to this--you think you aren't strong because you haven't gotten through this yet, but just look at what you've already accomplished--you've gone 5 days without cutting. That's a fantastic first step. Think about what you can do, right now, to improve your future (and you do have one, just like the rest of us). Everyone deserves happiness, and everyone is capable of achieving happiness. You just have to take it a day at a time--every day that you fight off your anorexia & your urges to cut, every day that you get closer to accepting (and thinking less and less about) what those horrible men did to you & your miscarriage, is another step towards your goal of peace, and prosperity. Do something nice with family & friends each day, see a counselor, try something new (take up a sport, or a musical instrument. find a passion--it will make it so much easier to cope with everything, trust me). Smile and laugh more. You'll begin to notice your progress in time.
   
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