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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Awful memory - July 7th 2009, 01:19 PM

I just need to say a few things to get them off my chest i guess. Last night i was with my boyfriend, and we was fooling around, well this one particular thing that we did is what was done to me when i was little, by my dad, i have posted quite a few threads on here before about it all. It all went to trial, and my dad is in prison now, usually everyday i cope pretty well - i have my bad days, my good days and my terrible days, but most of the time im ok, ive moved on, im in a loving relationship now that is going brilliantly.
Just yesterday and a few times lately i keep getting break throughs in my memories of what happened when i was so little concerning being abused by my Dad, yesterday i felt like i had been raped or something, my boyfriend did nothing wrong, and i consented of course but it just brought back such memories, when he went out of the room i had to hold back the tears and i was shaking, i held it all together till he left - i didnt want to scare him or make him feel guilty like he had done something wrong . He didnt. He knows iwas abused but no details of what happened. There is always this one particular thing that triggers flashbacks and memories, so should i just avoid this thing altogether? if i concentrate and try really hard not to think of my Dad i enjoy it, i really do, but yesterday at 1 oclock in the morning i ran myself a bath i just felt so dirty, and really sore, i was nearly sick and it just was a horrible trigger back to what my Dad did to me.. i never told my boyfriend, i dont want to put him off from doing it, or make him feel bad.. i know he would. It was awful, everyday more memories and reminders of feelings how i felt at 4 are coming back.
I had what is called infantile amnesia where if something so traumatic has happened to you at such a young age, your mind blocks it out as a means of protecting yourself. I wanted my memory to come back for so long but now it is.. i dont want to know :-(
   
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Re: Awful memory - July 7th 2009, 09:11 PM

I am so sorry you have had to go thorugh all of this. I really think you should tell your boyfriend about i tbringing back memories because if he really cares about you he would want to know and then he would be able to support you. I also think it might help to talk to a therapist of a counsellor as though will be able to help with the memories.

All the best, I hope things work out. PM me anytime if you wanna talk. I am here for you.


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Re: Awful memory - July 8th 2009, 02:24 PM

i do have councelling although i did used to have it a lot more regularly than i am right now, i might start going regularly again, it may help to decipher why the memories are coming back now.
   
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Re: Awful memory - July 8th 2009, 04:05 PM

I completely agree with Saria, if your boyfriend loves you, he would want to know that what he was doing was upsetting you. Then if you do like it, you could ask him to di it when you felt comfortable.

Is it just this one thing that triggers these memories coming back? I'm so sorry for what happened to you, I truly am, I know how hard abuse is to deal with; and all the nightmares, flashbacks and memories that come with it.

I think seeing a counsellor regularly again will really help figure out wat is bringing back these thoughts and making you feel this way..

Best of luck, PM me anytime you want, I understand how you feel.

xx
   
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Re: Awful memory - July 8th 2009, 04:21 PM

yea it is always just this 1 particular thing, thats the only thing i really remember from all of the abuse, its what used to torture me trying to remember when i was little, and infact the 1 and only thing my dad pleaded guilty to in court, so i suppose i definitively KNOW that he did it to me, the thought knocks me sick, so part of me is thinking should i just avoid this thing all together? though when im in the right frame of mood i enjoy it and consent to it. My counsellor said 1 of the really positive things about me is that i havent closed my mind to the suggestion of it, i know its two different things - 1 was abuse, the other when its with my boyfriend isnt, so i dont really wanna just avoid it forever, i have had two flashbacks with 1 different guys before ( with the same thing triggering it) but this time with my boyfriend it wasnt so much a flashback it was just a total rememberance of feelings, familiarities of emotions so strong they overwhelmed me. I dont want to make my bf feel bad or guilty OR put him off from ever doing it with me, he might avoid it alltogether if i say so to him. he doesnt know details of the abuse just that it happened, i dont think in his head he imagined anything so awful as how it was.
   
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Re: Awful memory - July 9th 2009, 01:39 AM

Hey Lauren,

First of all, I agree with your counselor. I think it's a very good thing - the fact that you're still open to trying things and not closing everything off. That's a good thing. You'll never be able to experience life if you close all your options. Sometimes, we need to experience new things and not let the past ruin our future. You do have a bright future, and it might be so much easier as more time goes by. Right now, things are a little harder, I understand. It's about finding more information out about yourself and learning to deal with what you've learned. You should be proud of yourself and your attitude towards new experiences. I think it's very unique and positive. :]

As for your and your boyfriend, I agree with previous posters. A big thing about being in a relationship, and not simply a friendship is the ability to trust one another and build upon these things that both differ and bring you two together. Sometimes, reaching out to someone can bring more grief, but it can also bring you two much closer. Both you and him will get a chance to understand more about one another. It might be a positive influence on your relationship. However, if you're not ready to tell him, then don't do anything you're uncomfortable. You need to do things on your terms. For now, he needs to be okay with you telling him you're not ready for the specific triggering move. But, if you believe you can overcome the fears and want to try confronting him, I think that would be a good thing. Sure, it might make him weary, but that just means you need to explain things to him. Let him know that the move is enjoyed, it just depends on the day and emotions you're feeling. Insure him that it isn't him and maybe explain to him a little more about how you feel. Sometimes it's hard for people to understand these things if they've never been a victim to the same treatment. Either way, a strong relationship is built on trust and honesty. If he cares as much as you know he does, then things will grow and you two will find a way to make ends meet. Who knows, you might just feel a release of bad emotions when you confront the situation with him. I know when I release a painful fact about my abuse, it sometimes helps me let off negative steam. It might also give you someone else you can go to when you're having a bad day.

Either way, do not rush yourself. You have lots of time to make this decision and don't make it before you think you're ready. There will always be a little fear or anxiousness, but it's to be expected. Just do what you feel is right, and you'll do just fine. Believe in yourself and the bond you have with your boyfriend. Take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything, you're not alone here. :]

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Re: Awful memory - July 13th 2009, 11:47 AM

This may sound odd, cause i really do love my BF, when im with him im just this new freash person, just a 19 year old girl who is carefree, no issues, baggage or anxieties etc, and i read all these comments on this thread and truly considered talking to him about it but i dunno.. just didnt want to, its not even that i feel awkward just i never discuss it with him. My counsellor said this may be because it just isnt an issue between me and him, or not necessary to even discuss it with him.. maybe thats right. Or does anyone think it means im just not as close/comfortable with him as i thought? ive seen him twice since i had the awful flashback/memories with him, and when he has gone.. down there to touch me i kinda keep batting him away or flinching.. he is gorgeous and i love touching him and him touching me but lately i just not been in the mood at all i just dont get why
   
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Re: Awful memory - July 16th 2009, 04:13 AM

its awful what happened to you. and i am glad you have a loving bf memories will always be with us but the hurt will fade in time it wont completely go but you will find it easier to be happy and love life. talk to someone close or even keep a journal of your days and feelings. pm me if you need someone to chat to
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