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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Saria Offline
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Post I hate myself now - July 7th 2009, 09:34 PM

When I was younger the way my parents treated me wasn't right and was considered neglect and my older brother use to sexually abuse me too. At the time though, I didn't tell anyone and it was never reported. Now though I keep having flachbacks and I never feel safe at home and I don't want to live with my family now because of the past. I NEVER feel safe. I am always in constant pain from the memories and flashbacks and it is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. I just hate myself so much for not letting anyone help or telling anyone about it. I can't keep living like this even though my parents aren't doing anything wrong. It is too much to handle but I don't know what I can do now because it isn't hapening anymore. I just Hate myself so much. Its all my fault that I am still living with my family.


"Feeling Change - Memories Don't"
"Enjoy the Moment and don't let it end"
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
"He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble." 2 Corinthians 1:4
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I hate myself now - July 8th 2009, 10:05 AM

Hey Saria. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, but in no way should you be angry with yourself because of this. When someone is abused, it's naturally going to be scary for them to come out and tell someone about what has happened to them, especially when the person who abused them is a member of their own family. Seeing as you are only thirteen now, I would assume that you had to be at quite a young age during the time of the abuse, which would cause telling someone about what was going on to be an even bigger challenge. It's a lot to deal with when you're being abused, and it's not your fault for not getting this off of your chest sooner.

If you don't feel safe in your home, perhaps it would be a good time to get this out in the open. Could you possibly get in touch with a therapist who could help you through these emotions? You should not feel unsafe in your home, and maybe talking to someone about what you have been through in the past and the emotions you are currently dealing with could really help you out in this situation. If you are angry with yourself for not speaking up sooner, why not speak up now? It's never to late to tell someone something like this.

I'm sorry that things have been a struggle for you lately, and I really hope that life gets a bit easier for you soon. If you ever need to talk you're always more than welcome to send a PM my way. Take care





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I hate myself now - July 8th 2009, 09:39 PM

It's just so hard not to blame myself. Everything seems to be my fault and it doesn't help when everyone else in my family blames to too. I just can't handle it anymore. I know something needs to change though so I am going to talk to my counsellor today. I don't know what I am going to say though because every other time I have had an appointment I always said that I didn't mind living with my family.


"Feeling Change - Memories Don't"
"Enjoy the Moment and don't let it end"
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
"He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble." 2 Corinthians 1:4
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I hate myself now - July 8th 2009, 09:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saria View Post
It's just so hard not to blame myself. Everything seems to be my fault and it doesn't help when everyone else in my family blames to too. I just can't handle it anymore. I know something needs to change though so I am going to talk to my counsellor today. I don't know what I am going to say though because every other time I have had an appointment I always said that I didn't mind living with my family.

I can understand that it would be a challenge not to blame yourself, I know that it must be hard. But maybe talking to this counselor will help you realize that even if you did not do what you wish you would have done in the past, you're still capable of making your life a bit better. I'd try not to focus so much on the past, though it's hard, I know, and instead focus on what you can do in the present, in order to fix how the past has impacted how you are currently living.

I'm proud of you for deciding to talk to the counselor, I think that's a great decision. There's no right or wrong way to tell them how you're feeling. If they ask you if you feel comfortable living with your parents, maybe you could simply tell them that it's hard for you to make that decision, that you need support in order to figure out what living arrangements are best for you? I'm sure that the counselor will be willing to help you make that kind of decision, as it's not easy for you to simply decide whether or not you want to live with your parents just like that.

Tell the counselor what you've written here, how you're truly feeling. If you do that, they will better be able to help you overcome what you are feeling and deal with the things that have happened to you in the past.





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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I hate myself now - July 11th 2009, 10:38 AM

I didn't end up telling my counsellor about how I feel about my family like I had planned and now I hate myself even more. Why can't I ever seem to talk to people when I need to. I just want everything to be right over night. I just wish my past never happened. I just Hate myself.


"Feeling Change - Memories Don't"
"Enjoy the Moment and don't let it end"
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
"He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble." 2 Corinthians 1:4
PM me anytime
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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I hate myself now - July 11th 2009, 07:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saria View Post
I didn't end up telling my counsellor about how I feel about my family like I had planned and now I hate myself even more. Why can't I ever seem to talk to people when I need to. I just want everything to be right over night. I just wish my past never happened. I just Hate myself.

Don't hate yourself, Saria. There's nothing wrong with you at all.
I know this must be a struggle for you, and it's understandable that this is going to be hard for you. It would be nice if when things like this happen we could simply wake up the next morning and be completely willing to tell someone what's happened to us, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to work that way. But don't let all of this convince you that you're not a good person. You don't deserve to be going through this, but give yourself time to feel ready to discuss this with someone. Maybe you should write down what you're feeling, what you would want to tell a counselor. That way you may feel a bit more prepared and know what to say when you decide to talk to the counselor. Don't feel down about yourself because it's hard for you, it's hard for everyone who goes through things like this. Take the time to gather up the strength to do this, and sooner or later it will be a lot easier than it has been to speak up.





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Re: I hate myself now - July 12th 2009, 12:20 AM

Hey Saria,

Growing up in a family in which we're neglected is a difficult thing to cope with. Not only is it hard to accept, but the problems it might bring in the future can be difficult. It's okay to be hurt and be a little scared or shy to talk about what happened with anyone. It's okay to feel the way you're feel and there is nothing wrong with it. We all cope and react differently. The point is, you're trying. That's what counts the most. We would never get anywhere good in life if we sat back waiting for things to change. Honestly, things don't work like that. Sometimes we have to do a lot of difficult things to come out on top. But that doesn't mean it never happens. It doesn't mean hope is gone or the future is lost. You can still have a better future when compared to your past.

Most people I talk to blame themselves for what has happened to them. It's easier and we're the only person we can control. However, blaming yourself is something that you need to get out of. It's only going to make living with what happened much more difficult. I know it was difficult and sometimes we wonder why we didn't try harder, but you tried. You're still trying and you're going on with life. Right now, we don't need to find anyone to blame - just concentrate on coping and getting better now. The past happened, but if we always dwell on that fact, we'll never have a brighter future. You can't control what people do to you, and that's unfortunate, because you've had a hard start to life. That doesn't mean the things to come can't make you happy to breathe. It's easiest to take all the stress out on yourself, but don't because then you'll only find it harder to heal. Concentrate on getting better and happier instead of blaming anyone.

As for telling someone, I agree, I think it'd be a good idea. A world of solutions can open up to you once someone else is opened up to what you're going through. You deserve to feel safe and that's a priority. It's okay that you haven't been able to tell anyone yet. It's hard and it's nerve racking. You don't need to tell anyone until you're ready for it. Maybe it's too hard to tell someone in person, but you could try sending an email or letter? It's not always the ideal way, but it's a lot easier than having to do it face to face. Whatever way you're comfortable with, do that. You need to do this the best way you can, and what matters is that someone knows - not how you tell.

Just take your time and remind yourself of the positive things that can come from telling someone. You never know anything until you try it. :] If you need anyone, don't be shy to PM me. You're not alone in any of this.

-Have hope


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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I hate myself now - July 13th 2009, 11:49 AM

I've been thinking about telling someone about what has happened alot and I think I am ready to tell someone. However I don't think I am ready to tell my counsellor. I keep thinking about telling one of my teachers that I trust alot, I just don't think that it would be fair to have to bother her with everything that has happened . I am so unsure about what to do? I really want to talk to her about it but I don't want her to treat me different because of it.


"Feeling Change - Memories Don't"
"Enjoy the Moment and don't let it end"
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
"He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble." 2 Corinthians 1:4
PM me anytime
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http://1000reasonstosmile.tumblr.com/
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I hate myself now - July 13th 2009, 04:18 PM

talk to your teacher, she can get help for you so you can feel safe again. don't worry about bothering her, this is important. you need help so you can be happy. you won't regret it. PM me anytime.
   
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Re: I hate myself now - July 13th 2009, 07:36 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saria View Post
I've been thinking about telling someone about what has happened alot and I think I am ready to tell someone. However I don't think I am ready to tell my counsellor. I keep thinking about telling one of my teachers that I trust alot, I just don't think that it would be fair to have to bother her with everything that has happened . I am so unsure about what to do? I really want to talk to her about it but I don't want her to treat me different because of it.
I know that's a normal worry when you're telling anyone anything. But just because of what has happened to you and how you're feeling, that doesn't change who you are. I'm sure anyone you talk to will recognize this, and will be to concerned about finding a way to help you rather than changing the way that they think of you. I'd definitely give telling the teacher a try, it could really help simply getting these things off your chest.





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Re: I hate myself now - July 18th 2009, 02:34 AM

Hey Saria (:

I know from experience that it is so difficult not to put all the hate and blame on yourself. You have to try to realize that this type of irrational thinking will get you no where. When someone hurts you it is not your fault. You don't have control over other people's actions because of free will and it doesn't make much sense to blame yourself for things that were so out of your control.

When anything like this happens to someone the amount of fear and confusion that accompanies the abuse is incredibly overwhelming. Considering your age and the fact that your family (whose job is to protect you) was treating you this, I can understand why it would be easier to shut down about it. When you talk about something you have to face the reality of what happened. Facing that reality isn't an easy task but if you never begin to really work through those issues they will just stew within you and multiply. The fact that you are even considering opening up about what happened shows incredible strength. Deciding who you want to speak to about this is about finding a person you trust and that you are comfortable with. If you think it would be easier for you to talk with your teacher about what you've been through then go with that option. Just so long as you find someone to share your story with you are taking a huge step toward recovery. I'm so proud of you for finding it in you to post here and begin the process of getting help with this. I'm here for you if you ever need me and you can PM me anytime. Take care and hang in there. Things aren't always going to be this hard.

Lots of love<3 Mimi



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Re: I hate myself now - July 20th 2009, 08:55 AM

Saria,

I am so sorry you are struggling but you will be okay. I am sorry that you had to suffer at the hands of your brother and I am sorry that your parents were not there for you like they should have been; that is always difficult to deal with.

I think that talking to your teacher would be a great idea. I know it might be a hard thing to do at first but it really might help. Something you could consider doing is writing down everything you want to say(organizing your thoughts) and then go to your teacher and talk to her. If you organize what you want to say it really might help you better prepare yourself for the task and if you feel yourself not wanting to do it you can hand your teacher the piece of paper and say "I want you to read this"

Also, I think telling your therapist would be a good idea but you definitely need to be ready. It takes time to build trust with a therapist and maybe when you start feeling a little more comfortable with your therapist you will be able to tell her. One good thing I noted is that you said you want to/ready to talk and that is great because with time that desire to talk might grow into talking to your therapist about it.

Saria please hang in there because you sound like a strong person and if you ever need to talk feel free to pm me.

~Jenna~


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