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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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How do you deal with it when you see your abuser? - July 15th 2009, 11:55 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Marked this as triggering, just in case.

I haven't see his face in months, and it's been longer than that that I've met his eyes. Coming home today, he passed by in the Toyota Tundra I'm never going to forget. I could almost taste him. Within minutes, I broke sobbing and my mother nearly pulled over the van. I can tell that she's figured it out - I know in my head she's smart enough, and in my gut that her intuition could pin the event long before she logically put the pieces together - but she won't confront me about it. I imagine she's trusting me to come to her when I'm ready, but when will I be?

I've only recently started opening up about this in therapy, and already, my therapist has played the guilt card. She's aggressively told me her ideas on what happened, she's told me certain events were and would be my fault, and it's because of these things that we're switching therapists. I have no issue switching because I'm ready to talk, but the problem is I'm scared I can no longer face it. I had thought I was ready to work through this but seeing him today... It brought memories, flashes of things I remember and pictures that I don't, flooding back to me, and what's more is he met my eyes. He met my eyes and I went deer-in-the-headlights. I was chilled, and he saw straight through me. I could see the fury, the malice, his own bloody pain and clinical depression, and it scared me to the point I was still shaking even hours later.

I tried going for a walk, a jog, listening to music, sketching, writing, drinking a cold glass of milk, then water, and nothing worked so I ended up taking some Ativan which did. Later, I ended up taking a cocktail of pills that put me to sleep, which was what I intended, but I got sick, it's worn off and I can't sleep. Again. So I'm posting here, hoping somebody can help me, longing for someone to make this okay, explain it so it makes sense to me. The person I was relying on to carry me through this, he's unavailable to me at the moment and it kills, because I am so, so scared to do this on my own.

xo Claire




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Re: How do you deal with it when you see your abuser? - July 15th 2009, 12:02 PM

Hi claire
Omg that is great that you are opening up alot more
it is scary what you have been through and it is great to see that you are able to tell us about it you are so inspiring and amazing to be able to do that and i love your technequies to relieve stress and the abuse
thanks you helped me too
You are wonderful keep on the great up and up you are doing you are doing wonderful stuff you are inspiring
   
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Re: How do you deal with it when you see your abuser? - July 15th 2009, 03:12 PM

Claire,

Hey, I hope you're holding up okay right now. It's awful, that anything like this happens to anyone. I want you to know and believe how strong you are for continuing and coping. It takes someone with a lot of willpower to face their abuser (even at a glance) and life afterwards. I know it's hard to pride yourself on something like this, but be proud of all the strength you're showing. It takes time and sometimes endless hours of thoughts or therapy to begin to get over abuse. However, I don't want you to rush yourself or think that you're not on the right track to healing - because everyone walks a different track. For you, handling this on your own before confronting it with your mom or another might be what you need to cope for now - and that's okay. No one can tell if you're ever going to feel the need or want to confront this issue with your mom, but don't feel pressured to. Tell who you can and when you can, it'll be scary and everyone needs to push themselves sometimes - but don't push too hard or too soon.

Having a therapist for these things can be both helpful and harmful to the way you want to heal. I'm sorry the previous one you had seemed to be more bent on blame than anything else. After abuse, we already have blame in our minds. You don't need to blame anyone (especially yourself) to heal and cope. Sometimes we just need to realize that the events happened and open up about them. When we choose to seek help for these things, we can never be 100% ready for everything to come. Sometimes we hit road blocks and other times unseen events occur that can freeze us in our tracks. But don't let him ruin the chance you have at possibly getting through this. Don't let him take away your chance to heal. I realize it's scary, I know flashbacks are horrible and sometimes they can be worse than the events that you've lived through. However, they do happen. Sometimes on the road to healing, they happen a little more. But don't doubt yourself and your strength. You can do this and you deserve the help.

Either way, there will always be a point you need to walk on your own. It's scary as hell and it might take a while, but there is a point you'll need to carry yourself. That doesn't mean you're alone, but certain decisions are only yours to make. I realize you want to hear everything will be okay, and I'm thankful to be able to tell you that in time things can be. That, in my eyes, you're on the right track and I wouldn't back down from this if I were you. When the memories came flooding back to me, I was in a state of shock. Heck, I think I've made a few cocktails myself. But, you can adapt to it. Eventually, you can find better and healthier things that prevent unhealthy coping methods. Most of all though, I want you to know that whoever isn't unavailable to you right now, isn't the only person you have. We are all here for you and if you need anything at all - let me know okay? It's in times like these that people need to stick together because alone we're only a small voice, but together we can be heard from miles. So, borrow some strength from people you trust :] I'm handing mine away if you need anyone. Take care of yourself and remember to reach out.

Have hope,
-Melissa


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Re: How do you deal with it when you see your abuser? - July 16th 2009, 04:09 AM

talk to your mum, she loves you and you cant go through this without her. mums are important they keep us strong. talking in therapy is great well done for that and none of it was your fault he is to blame tell your mum even telll the police maybe they can do something so he cant go near you. i am here if you need me pm me anytime
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Re: How do you deal with it when you see your abuser? - July 16th 2009, 11:52 PM

I'm not quite ready to face my mother about what exactly happened. She's aware of sexual abuse, but she's not so aware of the specifics, and she's also unaware of who it was. I'm scared to tell her because a) I'm scared she'll want to press charges or confront him about it, and I still have enough loyalty to the man to want to leave everyone else out of it and b) I'm scared she'll blame herself for ever marrying him, because if she hadn't have married him, no, I wouldn't have been born, but none of this would have happened to me either, and I'm scared that that's how her thought process will go.

I've been dealing with the rape for a couple years now. It happened when I was 16, and I didn't open up until I turned 18 because I didn't want to have to file a report against my father. I don't want to bother getting anyone else involved, and I can't turn him in. I can't. No matter how ridiculous or fucked up it may be, I still care. I still love him. I still miss him, and I still can't think of betraying him in the same way he betrayed me. So I am ready to talk about it. Not with my mother. Not with my sister. Not with my family. In therapy, yes, especially after all the support received when I opened up to my closest friend and then to TeenHelp. But I do appreciate that you realise I need to take this at my own pace.

What hurt me is that my therapist was aggressive in the way that she dealt with it. There were events that happened that allowed me to pretend it never happened at all, that I didn't ask for it, that maybe, it wasn't my fault, but the questions she was asking me? The accusations she was making? I've had a couple people tell me that for those things, she should be stripped of her licence. It damaged every ounce of trust I'd put in her over the past year, and that hurts - more than I could possibly describe. She was supposed to work with me, be on my side, help me work through what happened as opposed to telling me what I already know. I know it was my fault. I know I was asking for it. I know I was a bad daughter and I know I'm being punished for not speaking out when my friend's older brother molested me and I learnt he'd molested my friend; I was five and I was scared. And I don't need it pointed out to me! I'm not stupid yet she's treated me like I don't already know it was all my fault.

I'm trying to be more comfortable speaking out on TeenHelp. I'm trying to reach more people who understand. I have a lot of people in my life that I've pushed away because they don't get it. No matter how much they say they do, or how many times they say they can imagine exactly what it'd be like, this, to me, is one of those things you can't understand 100% unless you've been there, and losing out on that one person who did... We were close, and it's hard to form that bond with just anyone because I really don't get attached to people. I can't stand leaning on other people and having them carry my weight. Most times, I just need someone to listen, someone to let me scream and rant and cry so I can talk it out and make sense of it in my own mind. I feel pathetic, because he's an online friend. I feel pathetic because it's only been a short while. I feel all around pathetic, and I hate it.

I also took another handful of pills last night and worried/upset a couple of good friends, and that, in turn, upsets me. Granted I spoke with someone earlier who gave me a hotline number to call, a few of them, and I may do that. If anything, it helps just having them on standby. If you happen to come across this, thank you. <3

Thank you all for taking the time out of your day to respond to me.

xo Claire




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Re: How do you deal with it when you see your abuser? - July 18th 2009, 06:25 AM

Hey Claire,
first off, know that you arent alone, and this is completely normal. I know how you feel, I felt the same way, and still do. Theres nothing wrong with it, its just normal. Your therapist telling you that some things are your fault- well, its a good thing you're switching therapists, because they sound absolutely ridiculous. As far as telling your mother, even if she does suspect it, I think she'd appreciate it if you came to her. But only when you feel ready. and slow down with the pills, no one wants to see you hurt! No one can tell you when itll end or when things will get better, because its different for everyone. It is hard to get past, you never truly do get past it all together. All someone can do is accept it, and try to move on. But things take time, and theres no rush, rome wasnt built in a day. And nkow that youre, NEVER alone, you have all of us here. Im so sorry this happened with your father. ad its understable that you still love and miss him. I know when I see the guy who did thgins to me, I do the same thing, I go nuts and it usually results in a relapse. So youre not alone. Hang in there hun, and take care. If you need smoeone to talk to, or just someone to listen while you vent, feel free to PM me anytime. <3
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Re: How do you deal with it when you see your abuser? - July 18th 2009, 02:27 PM

Hey Clarie,
you aren't alone. I am going through the same thing. I was raped when i was 10. that was 6 years ago. I see that disgusting bastard almost everyday. he calls me almost everynight, he knows where i live. I'm just as scared. I think you should trust your mother enough to tell her. She is waiting for you to go to her. I know it is going to be hard. im still working on it. I keep a journal about everything he has done to me and what he says. the nightmares i have and everything.

There is no easy way to do this but it must be done. she has to know the truth.

she just needs to know so she can keep him away. you will feel safer. i do. just by my friends family. but nothing can heal until she knows. Tell her that you want to make the decisions about what she does to him.

About pressing charges. you can get a private court. nobody will know. you dont have to show your face there. Just tell them you want to be unseen. I think they do it through phone. but they can cover your voice as well. But you need to get something done about it. Or you are leaving him on the streets to prey apon other little girls.

dont let a therapist tell you its your fault. They never worked for me. They always made me feel like killing myself and i almost did. because they made me feel like i killed my grandmother.

Im always here if you need to talk.
i can give you my cell if you would rather text about.
Im your age and can help alot.
my hope and love.
my heart is with you.

-Ashley<3


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Re: How do you deal with it when you see your abuser? - July 20th 2009, 08:38 AM

Hey,

I am so sorry this happened but please know you are not alone and we are all here for you.

I too agree that your therapist should be stripped of her license because therapists should know better than to make a person feel like their abuse was their fault. I also wanted to tell you that this was not your fault. I know that a part of you wants to make up all these reasons as you why it is your fault but in the end it wasn't; you are not to blame for something your attacker did. It is his fault and not yours.

You mentioned something about not telling when your friends bother molested you and I want to say that that is not your fault either. A) You were only 5 and any child would be extremely scared and would have a hard time dealing with that B) it was your friends bothers fault for hurting you. I know these words might be hard to believe/accept but please try because I hate to think that you are blaming yourself for such things.

As for talking to your mom; I think that you have to be ready to do that and I am sure that time will come eventually. It is probably best for you to focus on yourself and your healing and maybe when you feel a little better you will be able to tell her.

Please don't be afraid to open up to a new therapist because most therapists are not like the one you dealt with and talking with it really will help you heal.

Please know that you are a very strong person for dealing with all of this and I think that you will make it through you just have to hang in there.

If you ever want to talk feel free to pm me.

~Jenna~


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Re: How do you deal with it when you see your abuser? - July 21st 2009, 07:12 AM

It's very difficult to reach out to people when you've been raped/molested. There's always a fear of rejection and the uncertainty of the other person's thoughts and feelings.

I was raped when I was 6. I was told it was a game, so I didn't realize what had happened to me until I was 8. I didn't tell anyone until I was 10. At first, I thought it was my fault, because I had gone against my Dad's order's and gone to that person's house. Then I was afraid to tell them because I thought that they would look at my differently. Like they would look at me with pity or sorrow.

But I learned over the years that it wasn't my fault. No matter what a person does in life- they don't deserve something like that. It doesn't matter how old you are- whether you are an ignorant child or a rebellious teen, or any other age- it's never your fault. You have to believe that- the truth. What your therapist said was unacceptable. A therapist is supposed to help you work through your problems and help you solve the puzzle of emotions placed before you.

Sometimes a therapist will bring up uncomfortable topics. Sometimes they will bring up a bad memory- but some of them are just trying to understand, so that they can further help you. From what it sounds like, your therapist went out of line and only put the wrong pieces of the puzzle in the wrong place.

Just please remember, from all of us, it's not nor will it ever be your fault.

I lived next door to my offender. Of course, I believe he was a confused teenager. But still, it was wrong. I saw him quite often. I would feel disgusted and dirty when I saw his car (every day) and if I saw him, I'd feel a tiny shock wave go through my brain. I wouldn't look at him and I would continue on my way with whatever I was doing. Sometimes he rang the door bell to borrow something from us. I would go and hide in my room- just in case he was invited into the house for some reason.

It's not an easy thing to see the offender. Even now, after I've forgiven him and wish him the best, I still wouldn't be able to face him without disgust. However if I ever did get to meet him, I would act as happy as possible, to let him know that it's okay. He can move on with his life and know that I'm fine.

But forgiveness takes time. Forgiveness is a hard thing to mold and to bestow.

It's wonderful that you're opening up. It helps- a lot. As you confess and open up more, it can become easier with time. Or at least it was with me.

Time heals and so do loved ones and words.

But when you see your abuser, try not to pay too much mind to them. Try not to look at them, try not to think about them. Easier said than done, I know.

Gee, I feel like I haven't really said anything that helpfull. />/////<\ But I hope that everything works out for you and that you'll continue to open up.


   
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