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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
kirstenyo Offline
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Unhappy ugh, i don't know. [kinda graphic] - July 19th 2009, 05:50 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I just really need to spill my guts right now.
so this might end up being long.

So in 7th grade, now entering senior year.
I went to my friends house and spent the night, her mom didn't care if everyone hung out in the back room with the door locked and we could pretty much do whatever and guys could come over and stay almost the whole night.
Well, there was me, my friend, and then 3 guys, one being my friends boyfriend.
I never having a boyfriend at the time, had never done anything sexual, and they knew that, i dont remember how they found out, but that is besides the point.
well my friend and her boyfriend were laying on the bed that was in there and she was doing things with him.
i just sat on the couch and watched this movie that was on.
Then this guy that i had kinda been flirting with the whole night sat next to me. i was okay with that.

i'll cut out some minor details and save you some reading,
The guy ended up telling me that if i didn't give him head he would finger me. (that seems so graphic sorry.)
I tried to get away too but i guess they[all of the guys and my best friend] thought i was kidding and would always pull me back on the couch.

They all wanted me to do stuff, and my friend took me aside and said just do it, you will do it sooner or later, this being my friend for 5 years.
i still said i didn't want to do it.
Long story short, i tried to do it because i didn't want his fingers near me, but i got grossed out and stopped, but he forced my head down anyways.
well that didnt get far so he decided to finger me. i tried my hardest i could to get away.
my friend ended up holding one of my legs, he boyfriend held my sholders, the one guy kept telling them not to do it, i think he went to the other side of the room, and the one guy ended up doing what he said he would.

i remember it like it was yesterday, i have forgiven that guy and all those people. At least i would like to think i do. i thought i was all over it.
i was okay with it.
it was in the past.

then i ended up drinking one night at my friends house (not the one listed before). I ended up laying on the blow up mattress, and i kept saying i didnt want to do that over and over and over. and i kept saying im sorry constantly, and saying things referencing it that i didn't even know i knew.
and now i keep thinking about it.

I needed to tell someone about it. i have told my closest friends. that i know wont hurt me.

I'm going in my senior year, and i think this had made me scared to let anyone get close to me, i still haven't even had my first kiss.

thanks for reading my post as long as it is, i dont really know what im asking for hear, i guess just an ear.

:/ thanks
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: ugh, i don't know. [kinda graphic] - July 19th 2009, 07:14 AM

Hey (:

I hope sharing your story helped you release some of your emotions regarding the event. I'm so proud of you for finding the courage to open up to us here. I realize it takes a lot of strength to talk about this and I hope you're able to get some comfort from the responses you receive. What happened to you was grossly unjust and completely wrong. Sexual assault alone is enough to traumatize anyone and when you add the fact that your friend betrayed you like that... well I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you. When someone breaks your trust like that it is so easy to hold it against the entire world. However, assuming everyone is a bad person is just going to keep you from ever being happy. I'm not saying that you should go around blindly trusting everyone but I do think you should give people a chance. It is okay if it takes you awhile to let new people into your life and being slow to trust can work to your benefit. There is a difference between being slow to trust and completely untrusting. Don't rush yourself into making new friends or even kissing a guy. Work at a pace you are comfortable with but at least work on feeling more secure around people. You shouldn't have to live in fear and not everyone is going to hurt or betray you especially not like this.

In your story you didn't mention whether you still see this 'friend'. I would strongly advise against having her in your life. She is obviously not a good person and you deserve so much better than that. What is to stop her from pressuring or forcing you to so something else you aren't comfortable with? It is not your fault that you trusted the wrong person. Some of the least trustworthy people are the best at hiding their true colors. Additionally, it isn't your fault that this boy made the decision to act so monstrously towards you. You have a right to say no and he should have respected that. Back to the issue of your 'friend', I think it would be a good idea to protect yourself and your well being by staying away from her. Regardless of whether you've forgiven her or not her friendship isn't worth putting yourself at risk like that. You don't need friends who treat you so disrespectfully and cruelly.

I'm happy to hear that you've been able to talk to a few close friends about what happened. Keeping this like this locked away never does any good. Have you considered talking to an adult about what happened? From what you described about the night you got drunk and ended up remembering the even it sounds to me like you might have had a flashback.

Flashbacks are memories of past traumas. They may take the form of pictures, sounds, smells, body sensations, feelings or the lack of them (numbness). Many times there is no actual visual or auditory memory. One may have the sense of panic, being trapped, feeling powerless with no memory stimulating it. These experiences can also happen in dreams.
Flashbacks can be so frightening hard to cope with. I urge you to talk with either a parent, a teacher, a school counselor, a doctor, or anyone who can help get you some help. You don't want to ignore symptoms like this because they can very easily develop into something even more serious if left not dealt with.

If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here for you. You can PM me anytime and I'll do my best to help. I know it may not seem like it now but things will eventually get easier to deal with as long as you continue to make positive strides towards recovery. I wish you the best. Take care and hang in there.

Lots of love<3 Mimi


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Re: ugh, i don't know. [kinda graphic] - July 20th 2009, 02:38 AM

Im so sorry this had happened to you.
you friend was wrong and had no right in telling you what you should do.
those guys had no right to touched you.

im glad that you have gotten over it. you are a strong individual and i know you will accomplish great things.

i agree with mimi on the flashback aspect of your post, i hope talking about it help you

stay strong (:
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Re: ugh, i don't know. [kinda graphic] - July 20th 2009, 07:51 AM

Hey there,

I am so sorry that you had to go through all this; that is something you didn't deserve and your friend and everyone else involved was very wrong.

I am glad that you have moved on somewhat but I think talking to someone(maybe a counselor) would really help you out. I know that talking can be hard but it also helps us to really heal. Do you think you could give it a try.

I am glad you have told your friend and I was wondering if you could talk about it more with her? I know it is hard but I think talking is one of the main ways to really start to heal.

Please hang in there and if you ever want to talk please feel free to pm me.


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Re: ugh, i don't know. [kinda graphic] - July 21st 2009, 12:14 AM

I just wanna say that you've been so strong by moving on the best you can and reaching out for help. It must've been hard to keep that stuff in for a long time. It doesn't matter how long its been since those things happened, its understandable that they still bother you.

What they did was wrong and you didn't desever any of it. They sexually assaulted you and gave you no choice. What they did was wrong.

Flashbacks are intense and they can haunt us for years. Its great you told your friends, and great they you came here for help too.

Although I didn't go through what you have, I have flashbacks and I know that they aren't an easy thing to cope with. Talking about it DOES help. It almost kinda gives you some sort of closure to what happened to you.

So, if you ever need someone to listen again, just PM me.

Also, have you tried seeing a counselor or therapist about this? They can be a greak help with things like this.

Love is all we need. :]
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kirstenyo Offline
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Re: ugh, i don't know. [kinda graphic] - July 21st 2009, 09:40 PM

Thank you all so so much, and no i haven't ever talked to anyone.
I don't think i'm ready to talk to anyone.
I just can't do it.
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Re: ugh, i don't know. [kinda graphic] - July 21st 2009, 11:05 PM

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, no one should ever have to go through that and it's so wrong. Please remember we're all here for you and we love you, if you ever need to talk to someone please contact me and PM me, I'm happy to listen and try my best to help you, I'll never judge and I won't go telling anyone else.

Take care of yourself.

'Cause there's no pride to be found when you follow sheep around..

<3 15/3/09 <3
11 months, I love you.
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Re: ugh, i don't know. [kinda graphic] - July 22nd 2009, 04:31 PM

I know exactly how you feel.. to be forced to do something u dont wanna do..

one night i had a lot to drink and i got really drunk and i ended up having sex with two guys in the same night.. but in the moment they sed i wanted to but i know myself to will i would never do anything that nasty.. but i didt and all becuase i was pressured.. my friends werent there to help me i dunt even think they were looking for me .. but im over it the guys are styll my friends (kinda)

but you know what.. dont let ur past get caught up with your future.. bcus im sure u will find someone u will love and who loves you bac but it wont go anywhere bcus ur insecurities.. trust me .. no matter what u go through in life you gotta let people in..sometimes we go through things so we can become stronger then what we were before.. im here to talk if you ever need to.
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digital rape, doubt, drunk, friends, graphic, kinda, rape, ugh

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