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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
JustARandomGirl Offline
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I can't deal with this anymore - July 21st 2009, 12:24 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I hate that I'm writing this because it proves that I can't cope. But here I go anyway. Ever since I was raped I haven't been coping. I can't even sleep at night for fear that they will come hurt me and the littlest things upset me. I used to be a girl who wasnt afraid of anything and I was never upset by anything. But now I'm constantly living in fear and getting upset by stupid things. I want the old me back.

I saw two of my attackers today and I forced myself to look into their eyes to prove to them that I'm not scared of them anymore. But one of them yelled at me your not fooling us we know your still scared and you should be because you never know what we will do next and you'll always be under our control. And that was the final straw for me I broke down in tears in front of them then the other one came up and tried to hug me and told me that everything will be alright if I just trust them. I told him to get the hell off me and then I ran off away from them.

Why can't I just deal with it? I just want to move on with my life and forget about it. But I can't. As much as I try to block it out it always comes back to me. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm obviously not the invincible confident happy girl I once thought I was. I'm a scared, fucked up nobody.

Last edited by JustARandomGirl; July 21st 2009 at 01:27 PM. Reason: Trying to make it make sense
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
CherriesBlossom Offline
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Re: I can't deal with this anymore - July 21st 2009, 07:41 PM

People react and cope differently after being raped.
after being raped it is normal to feel afraid. rape is frightening.
im sorry you had to go through this and your feeling emotional inadequate but you will get over this and once you begin you emotion healing you will begin to see you yourself becoming better and coping with thing is a better way.

for you to look at your attacker at all amazes me, you have some real strength. They know that because they did that to you they have some sort of control, i know it is hard to deal. you should stay away from them, its not healthy to be around anyone like that.
Have you talked the police or anyone so you can take action agaisnt them?

flashbacks and memories are also very hard to deal with, almost like your re experiencing it again.
if you have someone to talk to, like a therapist or consulor it would help to get out all of your emotions, fears and frustration.
you can express yourself so you can become a surviver.


i hoped that helped.
im hear if you need to talk.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I can't deal with this anymore - July 21st 2009, 10:53 PM

Hey Megan,

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It's not a sign that you can't cope or haven't been coping up to this point. Like Katie said, we are all affected by situations in our life differently. Some people have flashbacks, while others have insomnia. Either way, that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong in your coping methods. It just means your mind hasn't settled yet and you might be able to do more to cope. It isn't easy at all. That's for sure. Certainly talking about what happened, let alone looking at your abusers makes coping even harder. But you're still here. You're still breathing and still searching for other ways to vent and people to talk to - you're coping without knowing it. So long as you keep going - you're amazing. You're amazing for continuing and don't think otherwise.

Blocking things out can only work for so long. I blocked my past out for years and it lead me to where I am - a place that could be much better and easier to cope. I advise you don't try to hold this in or block anything out. The thing is, this pain, it helps you heal. It's almost safe to say it's apart of it. It doesn't stop right away, but it eventually mellows out and it could even subside.

Unfortunately, we can't go back. We can't change the things that happened and we can't take anything we or anyone else have done. But you can move forward. You can accept that what happened was horrible but it can make you a better and stronger person if you let it. You can turn this bad situation upside down and get better. It isn't impossible and you're not weak. You're strong and I think you can do this. The old you may be gone, but you can be a new person and exactly who you want to be - someone you're happy with. So long as you accept yourself - that's all that matters.

When trying to make it over this rough patch, I know it's always nice to have people say how fearless you are, but you don't need to force yourself into anything. Do what you can, when you can and not a minute before you're ready. It's okay to be scared and it's okay to fear your attackers. But you have something they will never have and that is strength. They aren't strong for what they did. They are not respected - they're wrong and weak for forcing anything on you. You're much stronger for showing how you feel and continuing - even though it's so hard. So try venting. Try accepting it and realizing that all you can do is live with it and try to do better. Cry, scream, yell and vent. Vent with yourself, in a journal and to people you trust enough to care and listen. Get your emotions out and don't hold them in. Things can build up and you'll find yourself feeling alone. Don't cut yourself off from people who care. You can find yourself again, I don't think you're as lost as you think. You are a special person the way you are. And so long as you know where you want to go - you can get there. You're not fucked up and certainly not a nobody. People care and some of those people are right here on this site. Utilize us and let us in :] We care, I care. If you need anyone - PM me please. Either way - take care and do what's best for you.

Have hope,
-Melissa


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Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine..
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I can't deal with this anymore - July 22nd 2009, 02:28 AM

Asking for help is not at all at all a bad thing. It doesn't mean you can't cope, it means the opposite: it means you are ready to cope. When you write this it proves that you realise what happened was real. It shows us that you want help and it shows that you are ready to get that help. And the thing is, you are coping. You are so strong Megan for even posting this. And as Melissa said, you are coping with this everyday that you continue to live and breath. Because as you and many other people know, even living can become difficult but you are hanging on. That shows that there is hope, this can get better and you can go back to a life that you are happy to be apart of.

Rape is one of the most traumatising experiences anyone can go through.
You are not messed up in any way and yes what you've been through may have changed you, it is completely understandable that you have changed after this occured and it is expected. You can never changed what happened. But the thing is, even if you can't change the past you can still change the future. You don't have to live like this because the future isn't sealed. It can change at any moment and you can make that change positive.

What you're attackers did to you was wrong. They were abolutely wrong. And the fact that they are still tormenting you is terrible, you need to talk to someone about this because it is not safe for you to be keeping this to yourself. Don't let them win, you are stronger than that. Yes, you may be afraid and yes, they may know that. But prove to them you are stronger than what they think. Tell someone, anyone, who can put an end to there torture. It's not fair to you and they should not be getting away with this. Do that and they will know that they are not in control anymore. They want you to do nothing. They want you to be afraid. But in all honesty, they are the cowards. Don't let them have this control over you. Talk to someone: a parent, friend, family member, anyone who can help you. And I would definitely consider talking to the police. Also, to help you cope with everything that has happened to you I highly recomend seeking a counsellor if you have not already. That can really help you accept your past so you can move on to a better future.

I am always here if you ever want to talk.
Hang in there hunn, things can get better.


Originally joined: June 2008


" He has no remorse for his actions,
And feels nothing but pleasure.
To see her suffer is his joy-
And her innocence is his treasure. "

is this what you really want from me..?
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I can't deal with this anymore - July 22nd 2009, 03:13 PM

I'm so fucking stupid. I had an idea which sounded good at the time but now I know wasn't. I went to one of the guys houses to tell him that he didn't scare me anymore and that I wasn't afraid and as far as I could care he could go kill himself. I wanted to prove to him that i'm not under is control anymore. And guess what? I got hurt by him again. I'm so stupid. I want to die.

Last edited by JustARandomGirl; July 22nd 2009 at 03:15 PM. Reason: adding something
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I can't deal with this anymore - July 22nd 2009, 05:01 PM

You acted on impulse. You thought proving to him that you weren't afraid would make him back off. You can't keep doing this, you've got to tell someone; that is the only way they will stop. I promise, if you talk to the police things can get so much better. And with the threat of police on their backs they won't have the courage to hurt you again. But you have to go through with it. You have to talk to somebody. Otherwise they won't stop. They are sick monsters and they don't about anyone but themselves so you have to put the one thing they care about in jepordy. They won't risk there lives and freedom to hurt you, that is if they know you are serious. And if they threaten you, don't listen to them. They may say that if you tell someone they will hurt you again but in all honesty they are only saying that because they are afraid they will get caught. You really need to tell someone Megan because you don't deserve what these guys are doing to you. And what if they are doing it to other people as well? You can put an end to this, you are obviously a very very strong girl. You have so much courage to stand up to him, now you need to use that courage to tell someone.


Originally joined: June 2008


" He has no remorse for his actions,
And feels nothing but pleasure.
To see her suffer is his joy-
And her innocence is his treasure. "

is this what you really want from me..?
   
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