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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jessie2 Offline
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Should I try talking to her? - July 22nd 2009, 07:23 AM

Ok so my girlfriend has had a pretty bad family situation for a wile now, her dad used to sexually abuse her for many years when she was younger, she no longer lives with them and has no contact with her dad anymore but I can tell shes been damaged by all of this, now although she has shared this with me, shes never really opened up about how its really affected her. My question is should I try to talk to her more about this? I dont think shes ever really talked to anyone about this and I know if it was me id want to talk about it, but its also a very sensitive topic. What should I do about this I just want to help her.
   
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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 22nd 2009, 09:37 AM

I think you should mention it if she gets upset her or something reassure her that she can talk to you about anything and you'll keep it between you both, I'm sure she'd like having someone to talk too.


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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 22nd 2009, 05:58 PM

What happened to your girlfriend is a very terrible thing and I can only imagine how hard it must be for her to live with it everyday. You are being a really great boyfriend for wanting to help, she's lucky to have you(: I think you should gentely mention it to her and see how she takes it. If she completely refuses try talking to her yourself and let her know you are there to listen if she wants to talk about it. It's a tough situation and I can see how this is a hard decision for you to make so just try talking to her again and see how it goes.


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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 22nd 2009, 10:57 PM

i think you should ask her about it, but let her know if it's uncomfortable or upsetting to her, then she doesn't have to. maybe encourage her to get someone help or even talk to someone about it. maybe you should ask her to join TH. sometimes talking to people who have had the same expierance helps a lot.


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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 22nd 2009, 11:57 PM

Hey Jessie (:

What your girlfriend went through was terrible and I'm glad you want to try to help her through it. Try your best to not be offended if she doesn't want to talk about it or if she reacts badly to you mentioning it. It isn't so much she doesn't want to talk to you as it more likely is she doesn't want to talk abut it with anyone. When you start opening up about something like this you are finally forced to really confront it. You can't hide from it or run away from it any more once you start admitting to yourself and someone else that you were abused. Taking away the coping mechanism of partial or full on denial can really rattle someone up. However, if she never starts working through the issue she will never start to recover. I would wait to bring it up until a few guidelines are met:
-She feels comfortable with you
-You know how you want to ease into the subject in a non-confrontational or accusatory way
-She isn't already upset at the time
-You feel like you can bring it up in an environment where she will feel safe (a familiar location is best)
-You'll have enough time to really talk about it with her if she decided to share with you (For example, you don't want to ask about it when you only have 10 minutes before you have to leave.)
-You are prepared for any type of response from her and will not hold it against her

Here is a link to an article that gives you some tips of how to help her through this:
http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=49460

If she isn't comfortable talking with you about it then I would gently urge her to find someone she is comfortable sharing with. Suggesting she start therapy, talk to a school counselor, or even join Teen Help are all things you can consider bringing up with her. I wish you the best of luck with everything and if you have any questions then feel free to PM me. Take good care.

Lots of love<3 Mimi



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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 23rd 2009, 02:08 AM

Thank you for the advice, but can you give me any help on how I might even attempt bringing it up, im not sure where to even start. I just scared of a negative reaction because I think thats probably what ill get and I dont want to offend her or hurt her. Its hard cause things havnt been all that great between us recently and so shes been kind of distant from me emotonaly. Is it possible this has anything to do with our current situation? I mean I know shes still affected by it sometimes she even gets nervious when I try to hug or kiss her, its like a trigger you know and It hurts me cause im just trying to show her I love her and all.
   
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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 23rd 2009, 11:54 PM

Approach her slowly about it. People who have been sexually assaulted by a family member, will take a while to feel better. Just let her know that if she wants to talk about anything that's bugging her that you are there for her.



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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 23rd 2009, 11:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessie2 View Post
Ok so my girlfriend has had a pretty bad family situation for a wile now, her dad used to sexually abuse her for many years when she was younger, she no longer lives with them and has no contact with her dad anymore but I can tell shes been damaged by all of this, now although she has shared this with me, shes never really opened up about how its really affected her. My question is should I try to talk to her more about this? I dont think shes ever really talked to anyone about this and I know if it was me id want to talk about it, but its also a very sensitive topic. What should I do about this I just want to help her.
Some people never recover from that kind of abuse, and she probably doesn't want to talk about it either. Make yourself available to talk to her, but don't press her on it.



   
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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 25th 2009, 09:11 PM

Im going to try to bring it up slowley, I dont want to hurt her at all. Do you guys think I should be trying this at all, would it be better to not even talk about this? I dont want to push her into talking about something so uncomfterable for her.
   
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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 27th 2009, 08:34 PM

Hey again (:

I think it is a good idea to try and bring this up with her but only if you're comfortable with it too. If you start to get a negative response you can gently back off and mention that if she's ever ready to talk about it then you're there for her. Another option to suggest if she is not comfortable talking with you is to talk to someone either on a hotline or over an online support system through this website:
http://www.rainn.org/

If you think it would be easier for you to write your girlfriend a letter or an e-mail then do that. I know this might not be something you're looking forward to doing but just getting her to even think about opening up is helping her. If you have any questions, need any more advice, or just want to talk feel free to PM me anytime.

Lots of love<3 Mimi



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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 28th 2009, 09:49 AM

I think the best thing you could probably do as far as bringing up the subject is to just let her know that if she ever wants to talk about anything that might have happened to her, you're always here to talk, whether it's through letters, emails, vocally (phone, in person), whatever she needs to do. Just let her know that you love her, and you're here if she needs someone.


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Re: Should I try talking to her? - July 30th 2009, 10:43 AM

thank you all for the suggestions, im really dreading this but i really think its something i need to do
   
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