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chook14 Offline
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Name: Ella
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How do i move on? - August 15th 2009, 11:26 AM

I suffered from depression (although it not professionally diagnosed), starting when I was 13 (Iím 17 now). There were various family related triggers for this plus I have a family history of depression. This caused me to turn to self-harm. My parents are very unstable people, so for a long time i felt i couldn't tell them. When I finally built up the courage to do so, rather then offering me help, they did quite the opposite. I was accused of being addicted to drugs and alcohol (entirely not true), banned from seeing my friends, forced to talk to doctors (who my parents had informed earlier of my 'addiction') whilst my parents were present. I was 15 at the time. I was in every sense ganged up on by the people who were supposed to support me. I won't post details, but I suffered all the manipulation, belittling, bullying that comes with emotional abuse at the hands of my parents, whilst trying to cope with depression, which they failed to acknowledge. The self harm continued, and I know that they became aware of the self harm (I stopped putting effort into hiding it), and yet they did nothing.
All of this occurred about 2 years ago. The emotional abuse has ceased, but I am still haunted by it. I can't move on. I've lost everything about myself that made me who i was. I cry frequently, and struggle to let my parents into my life at all, as they act like nothing happened (i think they may feel that they did nothing wrong). I hate that they will never know the truth about what happened, and always think of me as having been addicted to substances, which I was definitely not, rather then severely depressed. The thing that hurts me the most is that it all started when i asked for their help.
I used to write all the time, and since it happened, Iíve been unable to. I feel like Iíve been in a coma for 2 years. I don't know how to do anything anymore, how to be normal. I feel like Iím not human. I'd like to confront my parents about what they did, because i feel that if they apologised, i would be able to move on, yet i'm much too scared to bring it up, in case it triggers a repeat of events. I once confronted my dad about how he could let it happen (my mother was the main perpetrator) and he said, quote: 'I had to choose between my wife or my daughter.'
I'm terrified that events that happened when i was 15, will define who i am for the rest of my life. Please, if you have any advice, i would be so appreciative.
ps, sorry this is so long!..i guess i really needed to get it off my chest. Thank you so much for reading.
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Saria Offline
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Re: How do i move on? - August 15th 2009, 11:34 AM

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this all alone huh. It is definately hard to handle depression and self harm especially when your parents never help or just don't seem to understand. Have you tried talking to a counsellor of your choice by yourself, so you don't feel like you are being forced to talk to someone? Talking really does help.

Hang in there, PM me anytime. My PM box is always open

"Feeling Change - Memories Don't"
"Enjoy the Moment and don't let it end"
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
"He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble." 2 Corinthians 1:4
PM me anytime
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Emily. Offline
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Re: How do i move on? - August 17th 2009, 05:07 AM

Hey Ella. I'm really sorry for how your parents reacted to all of this. Parents aren't perfect, but it seems they did a very poor job helping you out. I think it's good that you want to move on from all this and I understand it's scary confronting your parents, but I really think you should hun. If you don't think you will be able to talk with them maybe try writing them a letter and just explaining how you feel about everything and what you want from them. Either they apologize and admit they were wrong, or they don't. Either way you know the truth.

It might help to try therapy again, but with someone you trust this time. Having someone to talk to could help with the numbness you're feeling. You deserve to be listened to and supported through this hun.

I also think you should give writing another try... Even if it feels like you can't do it at first, keep trying... sometimes it just takes a bit to get the words flowing, but it really helps once you're able to start getting them out.

I hope you are doing okay write now and please feel free to pm me if you ever need someone to listen.
<3 emily

"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

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