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Shame Offline
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Relapse - August 16th 2009, 04:10 AM

Hello, I made a thread a few months ago with the story of something terrible I did: (I'm not allowed to post URL's, but you can find it through my profile), and I went through with going to see the therapist like I said I would, and it helped a lot. That is, until I started thinking about it some more.

He told me that because of the age I was when I did it (13, 14) I can't be held legally accountable for what I did. Thats whats been keeping me going the past few months, I thought that even though what I did was terrible, everyone would realize that I was just a stupid kid when I did it, and even if they did know, they would understand and not think of me as some monster because of it.

But, today I remembered what he had asked me just prior to saying that, I guess I had been pushing it into the back of my mind, not wanting to remember.

I guess the best way is just to write it like this:

"You didn't take any pictures of them?"
"And you didn't touch them in any way?"

But the thing is, I lied, I did touch them, and I'm an unforgivable monster for doing so. I'm 18 now, and can be held accountable for what I did, marked as a sicko for the rest of my life and never getting to live the way I want to. All because of a stupid mistake I made when I was a stupid kid.

All the feelings I had before are coming back now, I can't go back and face the therapist again after lying to him like that, he will think I'm a monster too.

I don't know what to do, it feels like there's a gigantic burning pit deep in my gut, like every organ in me is melting away just at the thought of all this.

I'm sorry if I wasn't supposed to post a follow-up like this, I just didn't know where else to turn.
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chook14 Offline
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Re: Relapse - August 16th 2009, 10:43 AM

First of all, don't feel bad about the lying. I have spoken to therapists before, and because i was so worked up, stressed and panicked i became defensive. I lied about some things as well, mostly because i was scared. I was alone, a young teenager, and didn't trust the therapist who was pretty much a stranger. I didn't want lie, or plan to lie, but i still did. Sometimes it just happens. You need to forgive yourself for that. You said in your last thread that it all happened when you were 14? That was quite a long time ago, considering that you're 18 now, so i wouldn't worry about being prosecuted. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. What you need to focus on is forgiving yourself. We all make mistakes, some worse then others, and it's clear that you're paying for what you did emotionally. The thing is, you can't continue to pay for the rest of your life. No one knows who they are when they're 14. I know that personally i was completley lost. It sounds like you were going through a pretty hard time with your family, which would also have contributed to your actions. You are not a bad person. You have to remember that. What you did several years ago was bad, but it does not make you bad. You have to find a way to overcome it, and not let it define you. Trust me, i know this is easier said then done, but the fact is, it can be done. I've personally wasted too many years dwelling on awful events in my past, but i know that i have to move on. Who i am now, is not who i was then.
I also want to be a writer. I'm still trying to finish high school, but after that i plan on getting away for a while, and writing a novel about everything that happened. Perhaps you could do that someday? Write a novel about a kid who had a hard time, and messed up, and is so so sorry for what he did. Get it published. Then it's out there for the world to see. You'll be able to get it off your chest, and confess, sort of like an anonymous apology! I know that's a pretty long term goal, but in the meantime, just have hope for yourself. Don't give up. You've got so much life ahead of you yet, and you're clearly sorry for what you did. Let yourself move on.
PM me anytime if you want to talk.
Take care
Chook x
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Mad Mel Offline
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Re: Relapse - August 24th 2009, 01:46 AM

Firstly, you're very brave for posting about what happened. I read your previous post and while you did touch once, it could have been much, much worse.
It's totally okay that you lied to your therapist. It's never easy admitting something shameful to someone who's essentially a complete stranger, even if they are sworn to secrecy.
Also, like Ella said it's been four years. If legal action would've been taken it would've been taken by now.

Now, you mentioned the feelings returning... If they are then you should talk to your therapist about it. He won't be angry at you for lying.

And the fact that you are so consumed by guilt proves that you are not a monster. You were a confused kid with raging hormones (we've all been there) and made some bad choices. That doesn't mean you're bad or a monster or deserve to die or anything like that.

Maybe you should try writing about what happened? It can be very therapeutic, as I'm sure you know.
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