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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Dream Offline
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My Good Friend - August 19th 2009, 07:40 AM

I feel pretty helpless in this situation. Here is the scenario:

I have a major crush on a very good friend of mine. I'm waiting for a good time to tell her this. I don't just like her; I find myself imagining what it would be like for us to be married and possibly have children. Though at this point, it is more likely that she would reject me than accept even a limited relationship.

Even if that happens, I would still want to be her friend. However, in either case, there is a huge problem. She has not told me this explicitly, but I am 99% positive that she was molested as a young child. She has brought up the subject (child molestation) multiple times and hinted that she has issues she doesn't want to discuss many more times, though she only spoke of it in general, not relating to her. She can't get to sleep at night, and she seems to be very depressed and angry because of what (I think) happened to her. She said she has nightmares about something that happened to her, and she also said she has repressed memories (though they aren't repressed if she is having nightmares, now are they?).

I gathered all this over a long period of time, and my conclusion is largely intuitive. To me though, it seems obvious that she was abused and now she seems to feel like it has ruined her life or something. She is very afraid and has a lot of trouble living in the moment.

So what can I do to help her? I want her to be happy and realize that even though this terrible thing happened in her past, she is still a great person and can enjoy life. I want to date her too.

It is apparent that her problems go very deep. I know that all this stuff is going to come out as we spend time with each other over the next few to several months- her problems and how badly I want her.

Is there anything that I can do to help her get out of this? Or do abuse victims go on hating themselves forever?

I don't know whether or not we are actually compatible (and there are other issues), but that is another issue.



   
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Re: My Good Friend - August 20th 2009, 03:52 PM

Her problems do go very deep. She isnt exactly telling you its her, just hinting around it b/c she doesnt want to come right out and say she needs help. There isnt anything major that you can really do except tell her you are always there for here and will always be there to listen. Sometimes thats all people need is to be listened to. nothing will probably come out right away but over time she will trust you even more and maybe tell you. i was abused and i cant come out and say i need help but subconciously i hint around it sorta kinda hoping i can get it. Its hard to recover from things and She just needs a friend that will listen and comfort and be with her. i hope everything will be ok...i will pray for you guys


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Re: My Good Friend - August 21st 2009, 12:04 AM

it's great that you love this girl, but right now, she may be better off with just a friend. if you are correct (which i'm assuming you are) in that she was sexually molested as a child, then this is something very serious, and yes, it can affect her whole life. right now, your friend would probably be better off with someone who is always there for her to fall back on, and right now that someone is her friend, not her boyfriend. so for right now, just try to be there for her, and don't try to push things too soon. maybe someday in the future you will date her, but as for right now, be her friend. she will come to love and respect you, and you will have a friend to hang out with, even if you're not dating.
   
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Re: My Good Friend - August 21st 2009, 04:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyRose View Post
Her problems do go very deep. She isnt exactly telling you its her, just hinting around it b/c she doesnt want to come right out and say she needs help. There isnt anything major that you can really do except tell her you are always there for here and will always be there to listen. Sometimes thats all people need is to be listened to. nothing will probably come out right away but over time she will trust you even more and maybe tell you. i was abused and i cant come out and say i need help but subconciously i hint around it sorta kinda hoping i can get it. Its hard to recover from things and She just needs a friend that will listen and comfort and be with her. i hope everything will be ok...i will pray for you guys
Well, she knows I'm there to talk to. I'll help her if she wants me to help, but I do not want to make the mistake of bringing it up if she doesn't actually want to talk about it. It is too much of a risk.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SuburbanTiger7 View Post
it's great that you love this girl, but right now, she may be better off with just a friend. if you are correct (which i'm assuming you are) in that she was sexually molested as a child, then this is something very serious, and yes, it can affect her whole life. right now, your friend would probably be better off with someone who is always there for her to fall back on, and right now that someone is her friend, not her boyfriend. so for right now, just try to be there for her, and don't try to push things too soon. maybe someday in the future you will date her, but as for right now, be her friend. she will come to love and respect you, and you will have a friend to hang out with, even if you're not dating.
I've been waiting for months. I can't and wont wait forever. I don't know if I'll really ask her, but I don't have time to wait for her because at this rate she will never want a relationship.



   
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Re: My Good Friend - August 22nd 2009, 04:06 PM

hey maybe you can get her to see a counsellor? let her know that you care and that she can finally let go of her past. don't give up faith and do encourage her along and know that she's no different from any "normal" person, she just needs a bit more action and concern from someone who loves her to do something for her.



and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
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Re: My Good Friend - August 25th 2009, 04:14 AM

If you're correct about her being abused sexually in her past, she could be hinting around at it because she's not sure if she can tell you. I've been in a similar situation. It's never easy to tell anyone something like that, for various reasons. She may be afraid you won't treat her the same (pity is usually the last thing survivors want) or inwardly think she's lying or something of the like.

I think you should just earnestly remind her that she can talk to you about anything and you won't think of her any differently.

Like Floatingangel said, maybe you could suggest she see a counsellor. Talk about her depression and nightmares, and those repressed memories?

I also think that you should tell her how you feel. Maybe don't make it a question, like 'Will you go out with me?', but just let her know your feelings for her. That way she won't feel all pressured to give you an immediate answer, but can just chew it over. If she pursues a relationship, then great. If not, at least you told her how you felt and you're still friends.
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Re: My Good Friend - August 26th 2009, 02:00 AM

good luck =]
   
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Re: My Good Friend - August 27th 2009, 09:11 PM

It's obvious that you love her as one human being loves another and want to help her through something difficult.

You have two options: You can send her an email or a text saying "I'm writing you as friend and someone who cares about you" and something like "you've talked several times about sexual abuse. Is it that you were? If so, if you ever wanted to talk to someone about it, I would listen or try to help you find a counsellor". Something like that. You write well, so I think you could do a better job. Or:

You could just be there and be a friend if she wanted to talk about it someday. Quiet places where you can have long conversations is best. The technique you use is 'shut up and listen'.


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