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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Mad Mel Offline
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I feel worthless and unloveable. - August 24th 2009, 01:19 AM

So, I was sexually abused by my neighbor when I was five. Quite often. I was too stupid to realize it was wrong and would go over to play when my older brother was still at school I haven't seen the dude in eleven years, though, because we moved.
I repressed it until I was thirteen. I went into a depression and began inflicting injuries on myself. I couldn't bring myself to tell my friends for the fear that they would think I was just making it up for attention or pity or something.
A small handful of people know now. I told my best friend relatively soon after we became friends to, I dunno, see if it would chase her away or something. None of my family knows.

But now I have hardly any self-esteem. I know it's probably stupid because my family loves me and I have wonderful friends. I was never abused in any other way by anyone else in my life. Just... That stupid neighbor.
If someone touches my leg, I stiffen up. If their hand stays there for more than three seconds I start to have an anxiety attack.
Plus, I freeze up in terms of affection in any other way than platonic or my unrequited crushes. Heaven forbid, if someone wants to kiss me? I'd likely leave a dust cloud from running.
I don't feel like anyone will ever love me. I feel like I have to work twice as hard to prove that I'm a decent person and apologize even over things I have no control over.

I always feel extremely guilty if I talk about myself. I never want to be a burden so I usually just smile and say I'm fine, you know?

So, I guess my question is am I alone in these feelings of lovelessness and worthlessness?

Last edited by Mad Mel; August 24th 2009 at 01:27 AM.
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cleostar09 Offline
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Re: I feel worthless and unloveable. - August 24th 2009, 02:44 AM

I'm sorry about what you had to go through. No Honey, your not alone at all. I personally go through this feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness every once in a while also. I know what your going through and understand. I was attacked at 13 and hid it from even myself for years. I just didn't feel like it was that big of a deal until this last year. See, I was attacked but I got him off of me before he could do anything to me. I went through depression and hid from people well. I acted like I was fine in front of people but yet, I was antisocial. Yes, I also tense up when people touch me and I don't like to date. So your not alone when it comes to the after effects of assault, but the think we must remember is that it might take a while to get over, but we will not always feel this way. There will be a day when we can stand up and say " Yes, I was assaulted, but it's in my past." and move on with our lives. I encourage you to seek help and support. IDK if that may be a support group or support through friends but your definitely NOT alone. If you wanna talk just PM me... Anytime.


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Servatis a maleficum...
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Mad Mel Offline
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Re: I feel worthless and unloveable. - August 24th 2009, 02:47 AM

=] Thank you. It's really good to know I'm not alone.
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Emily. Offline
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Re: I feel worthless and unloveable. - August 24th 2009, 06:23 AM

Hi Melissa, Im really sorry this happened to you hun. You did not deserve it and i hope you know it was not your fault. The only one to blame is the person who hurt you.

I promise you are not alone in these feelings. I've gone through them and so have a lot of other abuse victims. Sometimes our minds trick us into thinking the abuse was our fault, that we deserved what happened, but these things aren't true.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to open up. People do love and care about you and they would want to be there for you. It's alright to talk about yourself sometimes. Therapy might be a good idea too hun. I know it can seem a little intimidating, but it can really help.

i hope you are okay right now, you can pm me anytime if you need to talk or just someone to listen.
<3 emily


"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

   
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