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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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taking_c0ntr0l Offline
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Name: Torence
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Question really hurt and confused - August 30th 2009, 09:45 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Two nights ago, I had a sleep over with 3 friends from a summer program that I had done just a few weeks before. We'll call them Mike, Carly and Julia. Me and Julia were drinking a little and it turned into a lot.We ended up acting crazy, and calling random people. We decided to go to bed after a while, but I was still feeling too drunk so I went into the room that Mike was sleeping in and I began to start grinding on him in his bed and saying some sexual things. He went along with it but said things like come on stop and you dont want this. However, he wasnt serious about it and didnt make any moves to move himself or me. He ended up taking his penis out of his pants and giving it to me and i gave him a handjob. He was touching my breasts and 'down there' but outside of my pants (he did this earlier more) and he asked me if i wanted him to eat me out. I said no and he didnt.
A while later I went back into my room, stopping in the bathroom to cut. I ended a 330 day cut free streak with two slits tot my wrists. I drunkenly talked to Carly about it all for a while after. I still feel violated and nauseus when I think about it.
I confronted him today via text after he left to go back home and he kept saying he didnt want anything and tried hard to get me off of him. He didnt apologize and he said lets never talk about it again.

I feel hurt, violated and disgusting. Honestly, is this my fault? Was he righteous?


SMIFFERS<3

Last edited by SimplyComplex; September 1st 2009 at 10:44 PM. Reason: Adding a prefix
   
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Re: really hurt and confused - September 1st 2009, 08:49 PM

You feel hurt, violated and disgusting I can understand and relate to those feelings. From what you have said yourself yes you did lead him on and allowed him to do some things to you that you didn’t want to happen. This seems to me that alcohol influenced both yours and his judgement if you had both been thinking straight then maybe it wouldn’t have happened both you and him would have thought. We don’t want this to happen and you could have both stopped it, and you wouldn’t be feeling how you do now.

He did respect you though when he asked and when you said no he didn’t do what you told him not to do it, which showed that he still did have respect towards you. In this sort of situation he did play the semi good guy, but to what you have said it shows that both of you wanted what happened to happen, and you where leading him on in the same way that he didn’t stop so from what you have said it’s a 50/50 sort of thing. You do still have the right to feel the way you do, it was the alcohol talking and your judgement was not in the right place.

Firstly 330 days that is amazing you should be soo proad of yourself for making it that far. People do have little slip ups, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t start again. This incident may have hurt you and done this to you but it does not stop how much you have achieved and how much you can continue to achieve in the future. Sometimes when we experience something like you have it triggers and makes you think that you deserve to be cut and the pain, however there are other ways to stop those feeling, what about using what you have used in those 330 days that have stopped you from hurting yourself.

I think that you need to tell yourself that you were both in the wrong anf you both could have stopped it, you didn’t but thats ok. In the future you both know what you want and what you don’t and you will never let it happen again, and that’s important for both of you.
If you ever want to talk about it, im happy to try and help you figure out what you want to do about it next and how to help you with the feelings that you are having about what happend.

Take care,
Jaz





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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: really hurt and confused - September 1st 2009, 10:58 PM

Torence,

I am sorry you feel this way. Anything of this kind of emotion is never something we want to go through. It's never easy to feel these things and the reasons as to why you're feeling like this don't make anything easier. Keep in mind that how you feel is okay. How you feel is not abnormal and you have every right to feel anything you're feeling or describing to us.

I do, however, think you might have lead him on. I'm not saying you're not allowed to feel this way, but I do think that he was right in thinking it was a mutual feeling. Thankfully he respected what you wanted and backed off when you told him no. That is a good thing in all of this. I can understand how you're feeling. I know that maybe now, after the alcohol, things that happened don't seem like the best ideas now. I know that you're feeling down and like these things are overwhelming. But it isn't impossible to get over. And it's okay to admit no one is at fault. He did not say no anymore than you did. The good thing is that what did happen was mutual, even if it wasn't thought out. I agree with Jazz, when she mentioned the alcohol affecting your judgement and choices that night. Sometimes when we're so influenced by a substance - we think of in the moment. We think with our animal instincts and never think about the consequences. At that time you weren't thinking about what you really wanted or needed, you thought of something in the moment and it's okay to do that. We just need to be able to cope with the outcomes.

I know that after the fact, things probably hit you hard. With the cutting and such. But it's okay. You didn't ruin 330 of progress. You still went 330 days without self harm, and you can do that again. One mess up isn't enough to ruin all this progress. And you can do this and never cut again. In time, it can come to a time when you'll never even think of self harm as an outlet. I think accepting this and understanding that it was a mistake, and both of you were 50/50 can help here. Remember to utilize your friends and vent your true emotions where you can. It's important to be open. Don't hold everything in. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm only a PM away. Take care.

Have hope,
-Melissa


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