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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Mad Mel Offline
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Unhappy How do I tell my mom? - September 2nd 2009, 08:53 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Eleven years ago, when I was five years old I was sexually abused by a neighbor many times. I was raped only a couple of times, then I stopped going over. We moved shortly afterwards. I don't even remember the dude's last name.
I see a counselor because of my anxiety and OCD. I've told her the very basics of what happened over a decade ago and she said that I'm going to have to tell my mom.
I'm terrified at the thought.
See, I'm pretty much positive that she's going to blame herself because at the time she was working third shift and her husband was always drunk... That's why I'd go over to the dude's house. But I don't blame her at all. But I'm afraid that when she finds out she's going to go into a depression or something.
Plus I really don't want the pity of my extended family members when they find out, or having to explain myself.

But my counselor says I have to. ;_; How should I?
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Re: How do I tell my mom? - September 2nd 2009, 09:03 PM

Hey Melissa,
I think it's important that you tell your mum.
Okay, to begin with she may blame herself but I think she would like to know what happened to her daughter.
I think her knowing would really help you to move forward with your life and help you except what happened to you.
I know it's really hard and it's not easy, especially when things have been kept secret for so long.
If you had the courage to tell your counsellor you can find the courage to tell your mum.
I think this is something you need to do.
Maybe you could take her to one of your counselling sessions and tell her then, so your counsellor will be able to mediate a little.
PM me anytime if you need to speak some more.
I know how you feel.
Keep strong, Paige x
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Re: How do I tell my mom? - September 2nd 2009, 09:40 PM

Thank you, Paige. :]
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Re: How do I tell my mom? - September 2nd 2009, 09:53 PM

Hey Melissa,

I think the most important thing to remember is that this step is going to help you heal. Believe it or not, no matter how hard telling someone might be, it's a step in the right direction. It's a step towards acceptance and eventually coping easier with the situation. Don't think of this as something you "have" to do. That makes things seem so much more rushed. I'm sure your counselor can understand if this step takes you a bit. Give yourself time to think about what to say, and plan out how you're going to tell your mom. But remember that it's going to be hard no matter when you do this. So give yourself a bit of time to think and get comfortable with the idea of coming out, but not too much that you get used to not having to tell. I know that might be confusing, but I hope you understand where I was going with that.

When I told my mom about my past abuse, it was very difficult. I hadn't planned anything out, which made things even more difficult. You can choose to write her a letter, but this can leave her with many questions that can go unanswered for a while. I know this might be the more difficult route, but I suggest a face to face conversation. It allows you to see her reaction and discuss things on the spot, instead of letting herself get the wrong idea about details (like blaming herself).

Remember it's okay to plan this out. It's okay to have a game plan so you feel more comfortable when coming out. That's the most important thing - making you as comfortable as possible. So maybe you and your mom can go out and you can go somewhere you feel most able to open up. Set the mood and take a deep breath. You can start out slow, and lead up to it or you can close your eyes and get right to the point. Whatever is best for you. Also, try and think of things your mom might say. Like questions and then plan out answers you're going to give. This includes dealing with the situation of her blaming herself. This way, you can get everything out when you want to, instead of realizing what you would have preferred to say later on.

Most of all, remember that how your mom takes this news is up to her. You are only in charge of telling the truth and as much of it as you can. Either way, your mom can take it how she wants. It isn't your fault, or hers. Try not to close off and keep an open area to discuss this. That way you and her will be able to feel closer after this, which can be beneficial when you're trying to heal. :] This is possible and you can do this. If you need anyone to talk to, let me know. I'm only a PM away. Take care.

Have hope,

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Re: How do I tell my mom? - September 3rd 2009, 02:14 AM

I think you need to tell your mum, she has a right to know what happened to her daughter.
If she starts to blame herself, you have to convince her that it's not her fault.
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Re: How do I tell my mom? - September 3rd 2009, 02:19 AM

Say it all in once sentence and leave the room. Sometimes that works.

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