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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Magical Forest. Offline
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Name: Hannah
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Nearly a year since.... - September 13th 2009, 08:27 PM

It's almost a year since I was raped, and I have no idea at all how I'm going to deal with it. My friend has invited me to her birthday party, only thing is.... it's the same girl's party that this happened, and it's the same place and everything. I know I'm going to have to say no to her as I couldn't cope with being there again around the same people... also with him there, that would just be awful.

Even without that, I'm already starting to fall apart thinking about it. I don't want this day to come, I just want to knock myself out and sleep the whole day so that I don't have to be awake. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this day and survive it, I haven't self harmed in just over 2 months and I'm scared that this would be the perfect opportunity to give in and break that.
I'm also scared that I'll start to build up to feeling incredibly suicidal as the day comes nearer, I haven't felt that bad since it happened last year, and I'm terrified of feeling the same. I mean, I was completely all over the place and couldn't survive without someone constantly watching me.

Has anyone got any idea's of how I could possibly manage these days leading up/the actual day itself? It would really be appreciated.

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Re: Nearly a year since.... - September 13th 2009, 09:11 PM

Hey Hannah,
I can see how hard this must be for you.
Congratulations on 2 months without self-harming, that is an amazing achievement.
I think during these tough days you just have to do all the things that make you happy and stay with people that make you feel safe.
That way there is less temptation for you to self-harm.
I see how hard it's going to be for you Hannah but I'm here anytime you need to talk.
Paige x
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Re: Nearly a year since.... - September 13th 2009, 10:59 PM

Hey Hannah.
I know you're position, I've been there many many many times.
You just need to stay strong, it'll be hard at first, but it gets easier.
As long as you have a distraction, don't think about it. At all. You'll be ok.

I'll eat when I am hungry
I'll drink when I am dry,
Get drunk whenever I'm ready, get sober by and by.
And if this river don't drown me,
it's down I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a river driver and I'm far away from home.
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Re: Nearly a year since.... - September 13th 2009, 11:17 PM


I'm not going to apologize for this happening to you. Because, in all honesty, it doesn't help. My apology has nothing to do with how hurt you are and how you're feeling. Especially since I'm not the one who has harmed you. I will say this though, someday, somehow, you're going to heal. You're going to notice a stronger person and all this hurt will fall off your skin. You're going to be able to get through this and you'll live longer than this upcoming date. You're going to do it because you've come so far. You've lived through the event and the dates after it. You can do it again. I believe in you. And I believe in your strength.

I wish I could tell you it gets easier. But it really depends on you. It depends on how you cope, and if you're going to let yourself get through this. My advice to you is to put the upcoming day into a different part of your mind. Think of it as something smaller than it actually is. Remember that it is just a day. A number. A time. A spot on the calendar. Tell yourself you're not going to let a date take away all your progress.

On my first reunion I spent the day writing about the abuse. It helped me. Some people like to block it out, while others like to keep busy. I preferred venting and getting all my emotions out in the open. So I had no anger or fear to harm myself with. You might want to try that. If you feel you might put yourself in danger, then be around people. Spend the day with family, friends. Just a few close ones. Spend the day shopping. Have a Hannah day and spoil yourself. You do deserve it.

If you need anyone to hold you together, I'm only a PM away. Remember you're not alone and don't be afraid to lean on people. Take care. Stay strong.

Have hope,

01 // 10 // 11

Baby stand tall. You can have it all.

Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine..
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Re: Nearly a year since.... - September 15th 2009, 01:06 PM

Dear Hannah,
By all means don't go to that party. There's no use at all exposing yourself to triggering circumstances. Give your apologies and you just can't make it. If she's that good a friend, she'll understand.
You're not going to fall apart. You're strong, you'll heal. You just don't need to rub salt in the wound if you don't have to. I'm a guy and I've never been raped, but I would never go to that party.

What just happened?
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Re: Nearly a year since.... - September 15th 2009, 07:53 PM

I'm definately not going to that party. I think I was stupid to even consider going, I'll just have to let my friend down gently and really try to make other arrangements for that night so that I don't feel guilty.

But seriously... I'm falling apart. I don't want to wake up on Saturday and know that a year ago something terrible happened to me. It will make me think that I could have done more to stop it and I know I'll just blame myself even more than I already do.
And gah the flashbacks...... They've started already. I've had three today and they're getting worse and worse as they go on. I can't cope with another one, even all of the coping stratagies aren't working anymore. I can't manage to ground myself as I'm so stuck in this miserable place.

I'm terrified.
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