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Queen of Hearts Offline
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reassurance? - October 3rd 2009, 12:50 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

my dad molested me, like a lot.

and that's a really hard concept to comprehend in my mind. I'm coming to terms with it. i try not to let myself think about it most days but it's always there. and it's hard. and i just feel really vulnerable today. can someone just please reassure me that it wasn't my fault?

logically i look at it, and it wasn't. but i don't believe it. it must have been my fault because rar rar rar *insert self hate mantra here* i could have stopped it i guess. if i wasn't such an idiot, but i didn't. maybeiwanteditorsomething. fuck fuck. i hate me tonight. i'm all shaky and can feel his hands and keep like drifting out of feeling real and feeling so unreal.

somebody ground me?

Last edited by Emily.; October 4th 2009 at 02:04 AM. Reason: adding triggering prefix
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Jen Offline
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Re: reassurance? - October 3rd 2009, 04:00 PM

Hi there,

I am so proud of you for reaching out and knowing you need to be grounded.
There are two different things I want to say. The first is--take a deep breath. I want you to keep your eyes open (it helps you stay in the present) but lay down flat on your back and put a hand on your stomach. Breathe in slowly and watch your hand rise as you breathe in, and watch it fall as you breathe out. Breathe slowly. Breathing this way will help you focus on your "core", and get out of your head. Sometimes we need to start trusting our core instead of trying to analyze in our head. Keep breathing like this, slowly and calmly and deeply, until you feel calmer and safer.
After you breathe, focus on your senses. What can you see? What can you touch? What can you smell and hear? Tuning into your senses help you focus on the here and now--and all of the things that your senses are experiencing are real and present. Focus on them.

Now--this was absolutely, positively, NOT your fault. It's non-negotiable. It's not even like this is my opinion but others might prove me wrong. Sexual abuse is never, EVER the victim's fault. There is no such thing as "asking for it" or being at fault because you didn't stop it. It wasn't your job to stop it, sweetie. Your job was to be a little kid who got taken care of by her parents and had fun and was made to feel safe. And all of those things were ruptured for you, and that's not your fault. It was your dad's job to take care of you, and he betrayed you. This was not your fault, at all.

The reason that we turn to self-blame is because as humans, we like to find reasons for things. It helps us come to terms with them easier if we can pinpoint a reason why it happened. So often with sexual assault and sexual abuse (and abuse in general) we consciously or unconsciously think to ourselves about how we want to find a reason why this happened so we can get angry and feel what we need to feel. And it's usually easiest to blame ourselves. But just because it's easiest doesn't mean it's right. It's okay to feel upset with your dad. To be angry with him. To hate him. But this was NOT your fault. Think about your little-girl self. That scared little girl--was it her fault that her dad took away her childhood and hurt her in ways unimaginable? Of course not. This was not, not, NOT your fault.

Take good care of yourself, okay? Please know you can PM me anytime. Be well.

"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Emily. Offline
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Re: reassurance? - October 5th 2009, 05:48 AM

Hey there hun. Jen has already given you some really good advice and talked you through some grounding techniques and I just want to add my support. I'm really proud of you for being able to reach out and I think that you are a very strong person for being able to do that.

I hope you know that you are not alone in this and I know it's hard to believe sometimes, but what happened was not your fault. The only person to blame is your father. He took advantage of you. It doesn't matter in what situation or in what context it happened; he was the adult and it is his fault. I know it's hard to accept , especially when it's a family member, but you are not to blame hun.

Have you ever tried talking with someone about it? If not, I really think it would be a good idea. Open up to your mom, a teacher, or any adult you trust. I know abuse is hard to deal with and how much it hurts even after it's over. You definitely deserve support through all of this. You do not have to do it alone.

Another thing to try would be therapy. I truly believe it helps. Having someone to talk to who will keep things confidential and who can help you work through what's happened is a really nice thing. I know it can be hard to open up to a stranger sometimes, but once you build the relationship it does get a bit easier and it really can help hun. You don't even have to tell your mom, etc. what it's for. Just ask if you can see a therapist to work through some things. You can be as vague as you like.

I hope you are doing okay right now. Keep yourself safe and remember what happened was not your fault. You can PM me any time.
<3 emily

"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

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