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SessyRocks Offline
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Name: April
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Fresno, California

Posts: 71
Join Date: January 21st 2009

Why wasn't it wrong? - October 24th 2009, 08:51 PM

I think I must be really worthless. When I was young it was ok to "spank". Unlike now where it tends to be frowned upon. However, the adults in my family usually went beyond just simple "spanking". I would get my hair pulled, my mouth slapped so hard I would bleed, black eye (one time), liquid soap shoved in my mouth for saying "shut up" (I can remember 3 times), and then there was my mom's belt. I can't remember how many times she used the thing, only that I felt so powerless when she used it. The last time I was hit, when I was around 10 years old, it was by my dad, and he'd nearly broken my hand. I remember how it swelled up really big. That same night my mom took me to my aunts house to supposedly hide from my dad. But even though she knew I was already scared and hurt, my aunt slapped me across the mouth for saying "shut up" to my sister when she told me it was my own fault I got hurt. My mouth bled from how hard she hit me, my lips swelled up. I was so sad, but also so very angry. My mom didn't comfort me, she acted concerned at first, but then told me it was my own fault for not behaving. I grew up so angry at how I'd been treated and believed I wasn't worth anything. How could I be when it wasn't even wrong when someone physically hurt me? When I was around 12 I started acting violent myself. I was so angry all the time, I ended up physically hurting my own mom. I felt like I had power and control for once in my life, but I also hated myself so much. When I was over 18 I finally got help for myself and started learning to control my anger and get over my depression. I haven't hurt my mom in a long time, but from time to time she still brings up what I did. Like right now, she is having health problems and says it's my fault. She says I'm killing her. She brought up the past. So I did the same, crying out for the first time, asking her why she never bothered to protect me. I asked her, why was it wrong when I hurt you, but it was never wrong when everyone was hurting me, when I was just a child? She says that was different, she says I didn't want to behave, so I deserved it. I feel so worthless all over again. Why wasn't it wrong when I was being hurt? Why was it only wrong when I did it?

"To obtain this in exchange for Rin's life...it means nothing!!"-Sesshoumaru

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Emily. Offline
taste the sky
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Name: Emily
Age: 29
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Re: Why wasn't it wrong? - October 26th 2009, 11:53 PM

Hey there April. I'm so sorry you were abused in the past and it was abuse and it was wrong. An adult should never punish a child so severely that they bruise or it causes them to bleed. No child deserves that and there are better ways to teach than by causing fear and pain.

What happened to you was not your fault April. You did not deserve that. Your mom is wrong in telling you that you did. Sometimes parents have a really hard time admitting to the mistakes they made while raising their children and maybe your mom just doesn't want to admit to hers.

I know it can be hard, but sometimes we just have to quit waiting for people to see the light and admit to their mistakes. I know it's hard, but your mom may always blame you. Try talking with her, tell her how you feel, but if it doesn't work, try your best to move on. You didn't deserve what happened and until your mom is ready to accept that, it does you no good to keep arguing with her about it. When she brings it up, you can just calmly walk away.

And I'm really proud of you for getting help when you needed it. You're a strong person to be able to reach out and I'm glad you have learned to control the anger and not hurt anyone. I think now may be another time where it would be good to talk to someone though. A counselor can help you work through the blame and and the feelings of worthlessness. Because you aren't worthless April. You seem like a wonderful person with a very good head on your shoulders.

I hope you're doing okay right now. You can PM me if you ever need to talk.
<3 Emily

"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

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