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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Hear my whispers in the dark..
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Name: Jen
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Who's to blame? - November 8th 2009, 12:24 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So I was with this guy, Alberto, for about 8 months. When we were together, I was 18 and he was 27. Our first time hanging out, he felt me up and we made out in the parking lot of my work. I was really upset afterwards, because I thought it went too fast (but I didn't want to say anything to him), so I went back into work and then I broke down in a corner. About 2 weeks after that, I wound up in the ER for a suicide attempt and that was a contributing factor as to why I tried to kill myself. I should have known from how fast it started, that it would never slow down, but I continued the relationship. From then on, he would constantly push things sexually, and I didn't want to make him think I was inexperienced so I went along with it. He started getting me drunk, so I would loosen up. There were times when I said that I didn't want to make out or have sex, and he would say that it was fine, but then he would just shove a drink in my face, or have me smoke weed with him, and every single time I would wind up too drunk or high to protest and he would have sex with me. I hated sex, and I think he knew it. He was very rough during sex too, and liked to pull my hair or slap me around. When he was hurting me during sex he would say things like "yeah, you know you like that", even though I was always so close to crying. I broke up with him several times but he would always find a way to convince me to come back. I hated that he always found a way to get me to have sex with him but whenever I tried to tell him that I didn't like that about him, he would always say "I have never forced you to do anything you didn't want to do". He would also make me promise that I would have an abortion if I ever got pregnant. Even though I didn't want to, he said that he didn't want a baby. He would make comments like if I got pregnant, that I would have an "accidental fall down the stairs". During the time I was seeing him, he was also very controlling of my social life. I was never allowed to hang out with anyone else, because he thought that I was cheating on him and he would say that if I hung out with anyone else that it meant that they were more important than him. He would call me multiple times a day, and if I didn't answer, he would get really mad. A couple of months into the relationship I even went to the police because of the fact that I was scared to be around him. He was too controlling, and he always got me too intoxicated to ever do anything to stop it on my own. The police didn't do a thing. Even the officer assigned to my case stopped returning my calls. I pretty much gave up then, because no one understand how helpless I felt. When I broke up with him for good, it was because he was mad at me for something, and I thought that he would hurt me if I ever saw him again. So I told him I was seeing someone else and that I couldn't see him again. He texted me and called me and messaged me on myspace for 6 months after that. I finally got my number changed. There were times when I really wanted to go back to him. Because there's a big part of me that thinks it WAS all my fault. That I should have tried harder to stop him. I should have said no to everything, but I was 18. An older man was paying attention to me, handing out alcohol and drugs. That's every teens dream. But for me, it turned into a nightmare. I still think about him. And I still wonder if things would be different if I went back. I don't know who's fault it was anymore. Should I have done more to stop him? Or should he have known better? I'm just so confused...

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That's a waste of time.
And life isn't about being perfect,
It will never happen.
Life is about finding yourself,
And finding people who accept that person.

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Re: Who's to blame? - November 8th 2009, 12:46 AM

Hey Jen,

I'm so glad that you decided to reach out here. Seeking help for these sorts of things can be so difficult, but you took that step to reach out, speak up. That is an amazing feat in and of itself; you should be very proud. You are such a strong person, and I know that you will be able to move past this with time.

What your boyfriend did to you was unacceptable. If you were often too intoxicated to give formal consent, then what he did to you was rape/sexual assault. You did not deserve to be pushed into anything that you did not entirely want to do. He may not have used physical force, but he was still emotionally controlling and pushy, and this is entirely NOT okay.

Because he was older, your boyfriend should have absolutely known better than to rush things with someone so young. He was supposed to be the mature one in this situation, and he failed to fill this role. This is a flaw on his part of the relationship, and you deserve to be treated so much better.

None of this is your fault. You were incapable of giving consent, and emotionally tied to him when it comes to how controlling he was. Please, please don't blame yourself for what he put you through. He was to blame; he took advantage of you, and that is not at all fair. He hurt you, and I am so, so sorry.

Take care, and if you want to talk, please don't hesitate to PM me.

"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Who's to blame? - November 8th 2009, 12:49 AM

Hey Jen,
This sounds like a really tough situation you were in. I understand how hard it is to just say no or stay away from him in this kind of situation. Especially if he is trying to contact you all the time. The abuse was not your fault Jen. You did what you could. You made the right decision going to the police and breaking off the relationship. Just remember, it's ok to say no in the future. If he keeps begging you to go back to him, refuse. You deserve better and you know that. Even if you are with an older guy, he isn't right for you if he will abuse you in this way. You weren't in the wrong Jen. You did the right thing. Again, just don't afraid to say no earlier on in the relationship.

Whatever it is, chances are I've been there.
If I can make it out, you can too.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Who's to blame? - November 12th 2009, 10:17 PM

Hey there Jen. I just wanted to add my support. I can't imagine how hard that situation must have been for you and I'm really proud you were able to get out of it. And Jen, what happened was not your fault. In no way, shape, or form are you to blame for what he did. When people are intoxicated or high they lose the ability to give consent. He also seemed very emotionally manipulative. He took advantage of you and it is his fault only.

I know it's hard to accept in your heart that this wasn't your fault. A lot of abuse victims have a hard time with that, but it can be done. Have you ever talked with a counselor or therapist? I know its a scary thought, but I believe talking about what weve been through with a trained professional, someone who will listen and not judge, truly does help. You deserve support through this.

I hope you are doing okay right now and be good to yourself. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me.
<3 Emily

"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

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