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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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dear diary Offline
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Name: Lucy
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ryan...again.. - November 27th 2009, 10:58 PM

so i saw him. i rarely ever see him, but when i do. it feels like someone punches me right in the chest, stopping me dead the min i see him. we were at a veiwing, a mutual friend's veiwing, i wasn't thinking clearing and totally forgot he would prollllly be there. it just caught me off gaurd. my brother went to go talk to him and i just stood there in the middle of the side walk dead in my tracks like an idiot. i can't move, just stand there and stare at him. my heart started beating so fast, but it felt like i wasn't even breathing. i had butterflies in my stomach like i was almost excited to see him. it made me even more upset. i shouldn't be excited to see him. yet i couldn't stop staring at him, and he kept staring at me. when ever his girlfriend had her back to us he would turn around and stare at me. we would just lock eyes and stare at each other from across the lawn. just staring into his eyes brought back all the memories and i was caught up between wanting to hug him or push him off the porch railing that he was sitting on. i just didn't expect to see him. his eyes, idk it was just so werid. i almost didn't want to leave. i just wanted to keep looking at him. ugh it makes me so sick that he hurt me soo much yet here i am thinking about him when i have an amazing boyfriend. i'm a shitty girl, my boyfriend deserves so much better. bleh.


I make mistakes, that's what I do.
I speak without thinking,
Act without knowing,
I drink so much I can barely walk,
I'm a fantastic lover though,
& amazing friend.
God knows I mean well.
   
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Emily. Offline
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Name: Emily
Age: 29
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Join Date: February 3rd 2009

Re: ryan...again.. - December 11th 2009, 03:45 AM

Hey there Lucy. Sorry you haven't received any replies yet. Sometimes posts get pushed down the line and lost a bit. If that ever happens again please don't hesitate to send me a pm. I don't want you to feel like you ever have to go through any of this alone.

As for how seeing him made you feel, it is perfectly okay. There were good parts to your relationship and it's okay to remember those times. It's normal to want those good things back. Don't be too hard on yourself.

It does not make you sick at all to feel this way. I have a lot of good memories with my abuser too and while I hate what he did, there were still good time that I miss. It's okay to feel this way. And this does not in any way make you a bad girlfriend, not at all.

Have you ever thought about trying therapy at all? Sometimes it can really help you work through all the memories of an abusive relationship. It can also help to just have someone to talk to.

I hope you're doing okay right now. You can PM me anytime.
<3 Emily


"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

   
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