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sleeponthefloor Offline
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Unhappy I feel guilty and vile. - December 7th 2009, 09:06 PM

As of two months ago, I was hanging out with this older guy, over 18, not from my town. The previous time we hung out, he tried to have sex with me. I didn't realize it after I was in pain, as I was a virgin. I told him that I never did that before and he stopped. But that time, he asked me if I was okay with it. I guess I knew it was coming, but I was hoping that it wouldn't. I try to see the good in people and try to think in a more naive way than I actually do. Whenever I don't want to do something but am too frightened to say anything, I say "sure." I even said that with my first kiss, which I didn't want to do either. And then he did what he wanted to do, without proper protection. I didn't know how to react.

It haunts me every single day, and I curse his name and ignored him when he tried to speak with me over the computer or via text message. I deleted him from contacts, until today. He said he was sorry, after I told him why I hadn't been responding to him, but I don't think that's enough. I feel guilty and vile every single day because of this guy, and even more disgusted with myself because I knew I didn't want to lose my virginity at the age of 15, or even 16 or maybe 17. I felt like I had more values than that.

Thinking about it makes me want to die, even more so because I met a wonderful new boy (who is actually my age), but we're not dating or anything, just friends, but I like him. If he decided to pursue a relationship with me, I wouldn't know what to do or say, because I'd feel so guilty with myself, and I don't want to scare him off or think of me as a total disgusting slut who has no values. Not like either of us are very religious though. If we did have a relationship and it went as far as sex, I would not want to live with myself knowing that he wasn't my first, but I was more than likely his. He is a wonderful person, but I couldn't do that to him. There are so many better, prettier, more pure girls out there for him. Being a sophomore in high school and having experienced this is horribly disgusting, I hate myself. I think it's the cause of my anxiety, I think, because of this. I lose appetite, my hands and limbs start shaking, and sweating, and my torso feels like it's filled with soda bubbles. What do I do? Would you consider it rape?

I guess I saw it coming, I feel like it's my fault. I don't deserve anyone or anything nice.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel guilty and vile. - December 7th 2009, 11:07 PM

Hiya hun I can relate back in December 2007, i went to a friend's he was good looking and i went to drama with and he treat me really nice hugging me a lot calling me sweet names so i went along he liked me so he invited me one weekend to the pub, then he went to his friends and he did nothing until he lied to his mate and said 'Sorry but i need to go home and babysit my brother' his friend knew he was lying as his brother is 14 and can look after himself. So this guy sneaked me into his parents house up the stairs and he started making out until it got agressive and he pulled my trousers down i told him to stop but he wouldn't and it's scarred me so badly luckily it was just assualt not rape, but still it hurts and if that guy didn't stop and you told him to it can be rape or if he controlled you, also try getting a counsellor etc i saw one and it helped.

I hope this helps if you to talk to me i'm here just pm me

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I'm begging you baby don't leave me out here on my own I'll die, If you don't hold me tight Tonight, I couldn't make it outside If I tried, So please let me in lover,
Be kind ♥
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Exelus Offline
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Re: I feel guilty and vile. - December 8th 2009, 12:06 AM

This must be very hard for you, and it's very unfortunate that this happened to you because no one deserves that. This is in no way your fault, and you aren't responsible for what he did. Not many people would know how to react in a situation like that, and this person definitely took advantage of you. while I'm not clear on the specifics of what happened, this could be considered statutory rape. Sex with a minor. It depends on the laws in your state. I would say that it probably is rape.

As for this other guy, I would definitely recommend that you talk to him. If he is at all someone that would be right for you, he would understand what you've gone through and accept you no matter what. You are not guilty of anything, and you definitely aren't vile in any way.

A councilor may be able to help you, and give you advice on what to do next. I hope you find the boy of your dreams, and don't worry about what they might think of what happened to you. Any boyfriend that is worth having would understand that it wasn't your fault, and you can't be blamed for it.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. If you still don't succeed, redefine success.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

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RebeccaM Offline
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Re: I feel guilty and vile. - December 10th 2009, 02:37 PM

All I can tell you is to talk about it as many times as you need to et over it. Talking will help. Pray to help build your will to say no. Practice in the mirror. Because history repeats itself so you may or may not be tried again by your inner self aso you need to practice say NO and dont feel guilty about it either. Love yourself , Your temple (body)
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Re: I feel guilty and vile. - December 10th 2009, 09:12 PM

Hey there,

This must have been so difficult for you to go through. It's such a sticky situation, as you never actually said no. However, that doesn't make this any less valid or painful. You did not want this to happen, and you did not deserve it. I am so sorry that he took advantage of you like that.

There is no need for you to feel guilty; this was not your fault. I wish with all my heart that you could have stopped him, but I know you would have if you felt you had the power to. I think it is so important for you to realize that this was not your fault; this happened TO you.

I think it would be extremely beneficial for you to try and do some things to put yourself in your power. You have control, you are the only master over your heart and your body. Do some things that make you feel strong; try out for the school play, get a job, do volunteer work. Get plenty of exercise, as this asserts that you have control over your own body. All of these things will help you to realize that you DO have the power to say no, you do have control over your own body.

Take care, and if you ever need anything, just let me know.

"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
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