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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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gabbystar Offline
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Unhappy I can't get my head round whether this is rape or not.. - December 21st 2009, 02:48 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

About 4 months ago, i went to a pub with my friend and some lads. A chap was there from when i was at school, two years older than me - right player slept with everybody used girls but people liked him because he was handsome- and we spoke a bit as you do. I had three drinks in total.. i can take my drink was fine, however he bought me one i was outside i later found out he had spiked it with some kind of drug. I dont remember much after that, so many blank moments.. i remmeber my friend going in side her house and waiting at the bottom of her drive with him for a taxi.. we were only two left. Then its a blank, then i remmeber saying 'no no i cant no im taken i cant' and him saying 'hmm please hmm' he took my hand and placed it down his trousers i was so out of it i didnt even acknowledge it at the time. I then have another blank moment then a small flash of being bent over behind a bush then blank again then i remmeber being in the taxi and him saying 'get the morning after pill'

i dont remmeber having sex but its obvious he ejaculated inside me
the next few days i felt physically sick i had std tests and everything- luckily it was clear. No one but the friend who was there that night knows.. i still to this day feel like a dirty disgusting girl, i hate the fact i have no memory of it but then i wonder if thats a good thing..

when i was younger an older cousin tried to touch me, i kind of mentally block it out. but this as well.. is this the same? am i to blame for having the drink, flirting a bit? makes me hate myself more to be honest

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Re: I can't get my head round whether this is rape or not.. - December 21st 2009, 04:06 AM

Hey Gabby,

No, you are not to blame.He spiked your drink, yes you may have been a little drunk, but he did drug you, and that makes it rape. You didn't have the ability to fight him, which is probably what he wanted.

When someone hurts you, more often than not it is not your fault. You did not ask for him to hurt you, either of them. And although it's not exactly the same, what your cousin did was wrong to. You should think about talking to someone, it helps and it can help you get through this.

If you need anything, feel free to pm me.

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Smile through the tears.

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Re: I can't get my head round whether this is rape or not.. - December 21st 2009, 04:07 AM

I'm in a program that deals with sexual abuse, I know the facts.
Where I'm from (USA-Arizona), if you are under the influence of ANYTHING, it is considered rape because you cannot give consent PERIOD. I don't know if that's the law where you're from.
But honestly, the law doesn't matter. It was rape hon. :\
Are you recieving any therapy about this? Are you talking to anybody?
If not, please, feel free to pm me.

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& the sun said “it hurts to become."
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Re: I can't get my head round whether this is rape or not.. - December 21st 2009, 04:43 AM

Hey Gabby,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. What he did to you was wrong, it was awful and no human being deserves to be put through that.

If you said "no" at any point in time, it was absolutely rape. The fact that he may have spiked your drink only strengthens this conclusion. If you said "no", he should have stopped right then, no questions asked.

I know this is so hard to cope with and to accept. I want you to know that you are not alone; you can always come to me if you need to talk about anything. I'm here for you. Just stay strong and keep fighting, alright? You are a strong woman, and you can get through this.

Take care...and please, PM me any time.

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but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

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Re: I can't get my head round whether this is rape or not.. - December 21st 2009, 02:34 PM

Hey Gabby,

I'm sorry that this has happened. You must have a hard time trusting anyone anymore. I know what its like, I've been there before. You should not blame yourself for this happening, he was at fault not you. You couldn't control it, he shouldn't have done what he did, especially because you had been drugged.

This will come back to haunt you, so the only thing I can recommend is get professional help. They will be able to help you better then we can especially in this situation. Keep strong, and keep your head up!

If you need anything, feel free to PM me!

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Re: I can't get my head round whether this is rape or not.. - December 22nd 2009, 05:18 PM

Hey there Gabby. This is rape. But now not much can be undone. But all I can leave you with is a warning, be very cautious of those men you meet, very very very cautious. Because many of them have no self control.
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Re: I can't get my head round whether this is rape or not.. - December 23rd 2009, 01:26 AM


Because you were drugged you did not have the mental ability to consent to sexual activity. The fact you suspect he was the one who drugged you and that he suggested you take the morning after pill only furthers the evidence that he was taking advantage of you.

Legally speaking you may not have a case since you cannot recall the event, have probably since cleaned away the evidence by washing yourself and your clothes, etc.

But the legal definitions don't matter. a little over three years ago something happened to me that made me feel I was sexually violated. Legally, i had absolutely no case. What happened to me doesn't fit my country's legal definition of rape, and whether or not it could even be considered sexual assault is questionable. Legally, no crime was commited against me. But I have suffered tremendously. I have developed PTSD that brings nightmares and flashbacks. I'm scared of being alone with males, and have a hard time hugging my own father. My view of love and sex is greatly distorted, and I have not been in a relationship since. My depression worsened. The important thing is NOT the details, or the legal terms. It is the fact that you are suffering emotionally with feelings no one should have to live through that is important.

I think that survivors of sexual assault/rape/abuse/violence often blame themselves because they wish it was their fault. Why would someone want to be blamed for something that caused so much pain? Because it makes the person feel like they have control. It allows the survivor to say, "If it was my fault this happened, then I can prevent it from happening again." It is a false sense of security that is incredibly hard to let go of.

Luckily when my incident occured I already had the support of an amazing therapist, because i sure as heck wasn't getting much support elsewhere. It's very scary to talk about it, but it can be a long road to recovery, and I highly encourage you to seek support from a trained mental health professional.

Also, you might be interested in checking out the website aftersilence.org. it's a webforum for survivors of sexual assault. It's very well moderated and there are a lot of very understanding people there.

keep holding on.
You're NOT alone.


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and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
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Re: I can't get my head round whether this is rape or not.. - December 23rd 2009, 02:32 AM

no you are not to blame, especially when your drink was spiked, this is definitly not your fault. but this IS rape, and you need to contact the police and get this taken care of. you were lucky this time, but chances are he may do this to other girls, and they may not be as lucky. it is very important that you tell the police and make sure that he NEVER does this again.
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Re: I can't get my head round whether this is rape or not.. - December 23rd 2009, 11:40 PM

Gabby, you are not to blame.
Flirting is one thing- druging a drink and raping someone is a crime. And as they say, you are not to blame because you are the vitim. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Do your parent know? Or have you told the athorities?
Just don't keep it to yourself. This boy commited a crime and he should pay for it.
Also I would advise you to test yourself for any viruses.

The best of luck to you, take care
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