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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
caitiemac Offline
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Unhappy My story. :( - December 27th 2009, 01:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey so I have been here for a while, but I have never really posted anything, but I think I am comfortable enough to share my story. Sorry it's really long...

One day this past year, I was at the gas station and this guy asked me for help with something. He seemed so nice, so of course I said okay and went to help him. He then grabbed me and took me to some back room. I tried to scream, but I could not. My brain was not working with my body. In my head I was screaming, but nothing was coming out of my mouth.

He had me in the back room. He grabbed my hands and threw me up against the wall. He held my hands there and stuck his tongue in my mouth and proceeded to kiss me very hard. I just stayed there and did not do anything back. He told me that if I did not like it then he would really hurt me. Since it really hurt already, I did not want to find out what he could do to me if he wanted to. So, I started to kiss him back. It was absolutely horrible!

He then grabbed me and pulled me down to the floor. He got on top of me and kissed me some more. He started to pull my shirt off and kiss down my body. He then took off his pants and pulled out his penis and told me to grab it. I told him I did not want to and he slapped me hard across the face. So I grabbed it. I know I should not have, but it hurt. He said "You like that don't you?" I did not answer so he slapped me again and then asked the question a second time. I had no choice but to say yes.

He then took my pants off. I did not move at all. I could not. I did not want him to hurt me anymore, so I let him completely take advantage of me. He stuck his penis inside of me and proceeded to have sex with me. Before this, I was a virgin, so I did not know what sex was like, but this hurt so so bad. HE was so rough. I screamed from instinct. He grabbed my head and sternly said, "Bitch, I told you not to scream!" He then banged my head on the floor and said, "Now, you're going to be sorry." At the time, I did not think it was possible, but it was. He go even more rough. He thrusted his hips even harder and faster. His breathing sped up and became even heavier. He made a strange noise like a hurt animal. I thought that meant he was done, but he was not. He wanted me to "finish" too. He said, "I know you like it, bitch. Finish up like the whore you are." I faked an orgasm and he said, "You liked it, didn't you?" I was too scared to say anything, so I shook my head yes.

He seemed so pleased with himself. All I wanted to do was slap that smug smirk off his face, but I was too scared to move. Apparently he wanted foreplay after sex though. I felt kind of numb after everything I had been though. My shirt was already off, so he grabbed my breasts and groped, squeezed, and rubbed them. I did not move. I could not. After he finally finished with that, he started kissing me again. I stopped fighting everything. I just stopped. Taking my virginity was not enough for him, he had to torture and mess with me after it. I think he finally had enough and he stopped the kissing. I must not have been good enough for him anymore. He got up, put his pants back on, and then put his shirt back on. He started to walk out of the room and turned towards me and said, "I had fun, and I know you did too." He then winked at me. I wanted to throw mu and cry, but I could not do anything.

He left me bleeding and hurt. It hurt so bad, so so very bad. I was so confused and dazed. I had no idea what to do, so i found the energy to find my clothes and put them back on. I walked out of the door and no one was out in the store part of the gas station so I just left. As I was walking outside, I saw my reflection in the refrigerator. I did not even recognize myself. My shirt was ripped, my pants all blooded up, and my breasts had bruises all over them. I started crying and walked outside. I got in my car and left.

I did not know what to do next. I was so very confused. I could not even process what had happened. I felt like a bad nightmare that I had just woken up from. Every time I looked in the mirror I felt horrible, disgusting, dirty, slutty, guilty, scared, bad, confused, stupid, terrible, nasty, and so many other feeling that I don not even know how to describe.

Again, I am sorry it is soooo long and that you read all of my story, but thank you!
   
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Re: My story. :( - December 27th 2009, 06:05 AM

Aww hun, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this. It is absolutely terrible! I wish you would have told somebody, but I understand that you were probably terrified as it was. I hope you are getting help for this now and are working through it. It is unfair, but unfortunately what he did to you will probably follow you for a long time unless you are able to fully understand that it was not your fault and that you did not deserve this and that you are a wonderful person.

What you do on this site is great, that fact that you can find the strength to help others, and in a way, put them before yourself is incredible. Stay strong and I hope you are doing better now. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.
   
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Re: My story. :( - December 28th 2009, 04:36 AM

Hey Caitlin,

I'm really glad you decided to share your story with us, I know how hard that is to do. I'm so proud of you for doing it though.

I am sorry that he did that to you. No one should be put through that. It hurts and it will hurt for a long time, it takes time to heal, but it never really goes away. Just hang in there, and stay strong.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me.


She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.


Smile through the tears.


PM me

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Re: My story. :( - December 28th 2009, 07:21 AM

Caitlyn, I'm so sorry. It's late and I'm tired but I feel so much emotion for you, for what you said, and what happened to you. I can't imagine how troubled and aggressive and just out of touch with reality that man must have been for him to think that his behavior was in ANY WAY acceptable, it's so.. it makes me really sad. Honey, you must be so strong to understand that it wasn't your fault, and I hope things are getting better for you in time.

Take care, and let me know if you want to talk.


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(My PM box is always open.. if I can't help you, I'll find someone who can)
   
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Re: My story. :( - December 28th 2009, 08:11 AM

Thanks guys. I guess it is sad. I have never thought of it like that before.

It's hard to explain, but in my head I know it wasn't my fault, but I don't feel like that. Does that make sense to yall? Like I still feel like it's my fault. I don't know, it's weird. I still have nightmares almost every night. It's usually the same idea. It's him over me taking advantage of me and me just laying there, doing nothing. Having nightmares about it makes it pretty difficult to forgive and forget.

I am always thinking about it. It effects every part of my life. I wish it had never happened to me and I wish I could move on, but I don't know how to.

Even though this happened more than nine months ago, I still have feelings that I had shortly after the incident.

I hate hate hate strangers.
I feel like nobody can help me.
I feel worthless.
I feel dirty.
I feel stupid.
I feel ashamed.
I feel as if I can smell him sometimes.
I feel bipolar.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
I feel scared.

I don't even know how to describe the other feelings I have.

And then I feel bad about feeling bad. I read the stories on here about what has happened to yall and others and it sounds so much worse and that makes me feel bad for feeling bad.

I don't know. I guess I am just confused.
   
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Re: My story. :( - December 29th 2009, 12:17 AM

I'm so sorry to hear what you had to go through; and the others have summed it all up for me.

but in regards to your last post, about feeling bad when you read what others have gone through, you don't ever have to think like that. We have to prioritise our own problems in our own lives. If that weren't the case, we would all be comparing ourselves to the people in Africa who have nothing, in third world countries, and who go through hell every day - but for sanity, and humanity, we can't do that, so never EVER feel ashamed or guilty in yourself for feelign bad. What you went through was a horrible atrocity, and has just as much "right" to be huge in your life. -hug-
   
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Re: My story. :( - January 3rd 2010, 03:54 PM

i trust you what you went through was awful, and it was most certainly not your fault. have you told anyone? try to tell friends or family, or most importantly, contact the police and give them a description of this guy, because you know he probably does this to other girls as well. you could save lives by telling the police. and you will feel better with time, because, as i said, this is not your fault.
   
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Re: My story. :( - January 3rd 2010, 04:39 PM

I'm glad you're fine after all that. He could have done something worse to you. You were so brave there. If I was in your position, I would have screamed at the top of my lungs until he knock me unconscious. You were really brave, you should be proud that you were able to get through that. But still no one is deserving to go through such a thing and definitely it is none of your fault.

My question is though, have you told anyone? Your family or the police? They could have caught him soon after you informed the incident.
   
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Re: My story. :( - January 4th 2010, 10:13 PM

You see, I would have thought that I would scream my head off too, but when you're actually in that position, you're too scared to move. I was scared stiff. I couldn't do ANYTHING! It was that bad. Anyways, yes, I've told friends. I don't really get a long with my parents so I never told them and I didn't tell the police. I do talk to a couple of my friends and I talk to my boyfriend about it. That's about it though. I think that is good though. It's better than keeping it in, in my opinion.
   
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