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Past - December 27th 2009, 06:47 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This is probably going to be a semi long post so sorry in advance.

Okay, in March of 09 I started having flashbacks. They were really subtle and so I thought it was my mind playing tricks on me. See, I have always had this feeling that I had been molested but I couldn't remember anything so I just assumed it was my way to understand why I was so fucked up. Anyway, because a part of me always thought I had been molested but a part of me thought it was my way to explain all my issues away, when I had the first (small) flashback I made myself believe that it was my mind playing tricks on me. I knew deep down it wasn't and because of that I started getting back into my eating disorder and cutting.

Well, in October I came to the decision that I was ready to talk about it but by then I knew my eating disorder was out of hand and so I went and got extra help for that. So, I couldn't talk to my therapist about it. Well, going to the clinic was a good idea because I started getting stabile and everything and I was really proud of myself. Well, in November sometime (I think it was the second week) the flashbacks really started to come. I think this was due to the fact that I had finally embraced the fact that I had probably been molested.

Anyways, the memories were pretty bad and I can say that I was brutalized in a lot of different ways. I am not a 'virgin' in the fact that I was raped (they not only touched me and kissed me and made me touch them they all penetrated me in everyway possible). But, deep down I feel that virginity is more of an emotional thing.

So, the memories came and for a while I was really messed up but then they slowed down and I was like okay that is better. I knew more were going to come up; I could just feel it inside but I was like a break will be good.

While all this was happening I decided that talking about it all in my eating disorder clinic would be a good idea so I did. I talked in the groups but individually I couldn't because I did not connect with the therapists.

Now, that I am in touch with my molestation a lot more things are making sense to me. The fact that I hate the dark, the fact that if I have to be home alone I feel like someone is watching me, the fact that I never trusted anyone...on and on.

And, that is the problem. I am working on trusting people and it is turning out pretty well. I know that I can trust people/need to trust people. There is definitely a possibility that I will be hurt but if that happens it has nothing to do with me and has a lot to do with the person. I am also trying to work on sleeping alone etc but it still bothers me (especially now that I am having intense flashbacks once again.)

I mean I live with my dad so Sunday-Wednesday night I usually don't have to sleep in an empty house but Thursday-Saturday night I sometimes do. (My dad just got into a relationship and so he sometimes stays with his partner). Well, that is the problem; I hate sleeping in an empty house because all I can think about is that the man who hurt me (I was molested by a man and his wife but the husband scares me more than she does) is inside my house watching me and waiting for the right oppurtunity to rape me again. So, sometimes when my dad is not home I stay up until I am so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Or, right now I am having an anxiety attack and I feel like I want to cry/die/cut...

Now, I had this anger issue towards my dad last night (I was angry that he didn't come home with me) but I didn't understand the anger so I got really depressed and I couldn't talk to him about it because I didn't want to hurt him.

But, tonight after I left my dad and his friends house I realized why I was angry that he left me at home. 1) Being alone in an empty house scares me shitless and 2) I was tapping into the feelings I had as a child and how lonely I felt and how angry/sad/hurt I was that my daddy didn't come save me. I wanted him to save me so badly but he never did and it hurt so bad. So on the nights that I am alone and scared I tap into how I felt when I was a little girl and being molested and what not.

I know I need to talk to my dad but I don't want to impede on his relationship. I know if I told him I didn't like sleeping alone because I get scared and I am reminded of my attacker he would respect that but I don't want to mess up his happiness. For the first time in a long time my dad is really happy and I don't want to take that away from him because I can't sleep alone.

I stay the night at my dad and his friends house sometimes and that is cool. I stay the night at my Bro's house sometimes too but idk what to do because the truth is sleeping alone terrifies me and I don't think it is helping me deal with the trauma. I mean all day today I was depressed and pissed off at my dad but I didn't underrstand why exactly. Now I know I need to talk to him but Idk how. What do I say? I don't want him to know (right now at least) that when I was being molested a part of me was angry at him for not saving him. That would kill him. So, I am at a loss of how to explain to him that I can't sleep in an empty house right now. And, do I have the right to even ask him that?

Thanks,

Jenna


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Re: Past - December 27th 2009, 08:06 PM

Hey Jenna-

I'm so sorry about what happened you, and I want to remind you that no one deserves that. You should not have to be dealing with this. But unfortunately you are, and honestly I think you're doing really well with it.

I'm not questioning your credibility or anything, but I do want to make sure you're positive that this is something that happened. I've known people who have thought something happened, but it didn't? Not that it still doesn't affect you as much, but I just want to make sure you've thought it through (Which I'm sure you have).

Now, I'm a bit confused on who you've spoken about it with. Not your family, yes? But did you end up speaking to the therapists at your clinic? Or do you have a therapist now you trust and connect with that you've spoken about it with? If you don't have a therapist right now that you connect with, I highly urge you to find one. It sounds like you deal with a lot in your life, and having that extra support is amazing. Also, if you truly connected with them they'd hopefully be able to really help you through everything going on with the flashbacks and so forth.

Do you have a friend you trust to talk about what happened? Perhaps you could stay over with them some of the nights that you're home alone. And you'd also be able to call them when you were having a bad flashback and hopefully they can help keep you in the now of what is happening at this moment. Hopefully that makes sense.

I do think you should speak to your dad. While it's amazing you care so much about him and his relationship, he is your dad and it is his responsibility to watch out for you and make sure you're okay. And I'm sure he'd be more than willing to make sure you're okay, as you mentioned.
What if you suggested some of the nights that you're normally home alone, he brought his girlfriend to your house? I'm not sure if this is a possibility, but then at least you wouldn't be home alone.

So, overall, I think your first step is definitely to make sure you have a therapist you trust and open up to them about what's going on and what happened.

I hope you're doing okay, let me know if there's anything else I can help you with. Stay safe.
Maria.



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