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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Johnny Walker Offline
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Unhappy I'm not good with emotions but I need to get some stuff off my chest - December 29th 2009, 08:40 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Even though I have thought about it over and over and over I really donít know how to start this. Originally I never intended to post anything in the forums. I only wanted to look through the articles in order to find one that was similar to what happened to me because I couldnít find any useful info/testimonials anywhere else online. Unfortunately , as it turns out, I couldnít find one here either.
So I signed up intending to write an article. I wanted to take all the thoughts spinning around my head and write them down and share them with the world so that they would leave me alone. I eventually did write the article but I couldnít muster the courage to post it. So now here I am again Ė take 2 Ė writing an article that will likely never be seen by anyone again.
For years and years have wanted to tell someone, I have tried before but I can never find the guts to do it. I know that if they knew then I could never look them in the eyes again. When I think about it I feel like a piece of shit, I feel manipulated, stupid and weak.
I feel like there are two of me, the tough guy my friends know and the miserable, depressed little wimp I feel like on the inside. Sometimes I donít even know who I am but whoever I am he doesnít belong on here talking about emotions and complaining about shit he canít change. I feel almost nauseous just writing what I have and I havenít even fucking written anything yet just a bunch of procrastinating garbage.
This is getting too long. I am just going to come out with it and get it over with. You donít have to read it (tbh part of me doesnít want anyone ever to) I just need to know that it is out there.
As a kid other boys Ė not much older than myself Ė used to make me suck them off. Sometimes they would suck me off, sometimes we would get naked an go under the sheets. This occurred between Junior Kindergarten and Grade 3 (ages 4-9). During the school year my estimation is that it occurred multiple times a week eventually slowing to multiple times a month.
1) They never hit me, they never tied me down, they just sort of told me to and I did. I donít remember the first time but I can remember not wanting to, I can remember knowing it was wrong.
2) I would refuse but I would always cave in especially when I would realize that if I didnít then I would have no friends .
3) Does this even qualify as ďabuseĒ or ďmolestationĒ because I canít find any similar cases or was I just suckered into something I now regret?
4) Kids canít cum therefore no one ejaculated in or on me, so how can it be anything?
5) Is it normal for kids to do this kind of thing? Am I just being a little simp about it? If it isnít normal why would they do it?
6) Nothing went in my ass.
7) Sometimes they would suck me off and I would get hard, does this mean I wanted it, that it was consensual?
You donít necessarily have to help answer any of those questions I just needed to ask them.

I know that my situation really doesnít compare to some of the other stories on this forum but I really needed to get that off my chest. It still isnít the whole story but it is all I can manage for now. I took me over 4 Ĺ hours and 8 whiskey and cokes to write that so if you read it all then thank you. Maybe sometime I will grow the balls needed to get everything else off my chest.
PS: If you do post a reply and I donít respond for a while it is because I have gone from relief back to shame and guilt (otherwise known as sobriety) and I am trying to ignore the fact that this article ever existed so donít be too offended, lol.
PPS: If anyone has any similar experience please donít hesitate to tell me, cause right now I feel like the only one in the world who this has happened to or maybe the only one who is bothered by it.


Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.
Kurt Vonnegut
Be content with what you are, and wish not change; nor dread your last day, nor long for it.
Marcus Aurelius
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

Last edited by Emily.; December 30th 2009 at 04:11 AM. Reason: Added triggering prefix
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
CanadaCraig Offline
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Re: I'm not good with emotions but I need to get some stuff off my chest - December 29th 2009, 10:58 AM

Hi Johnny Walker!!

I'm going to respond directly to some of the points you made and then say a little something after that.

I hope that's OK.

1) They never hit me, they never tied me down, they just sort of told me to and I did. I donít remember the first time but I can remember not wanting to, I can remember knowing it was wrong.

2) I would refuse but I would always cave in especially when I would realize that if I didnít then I would have no friends .

3) Does this even qualify as ďabuseĒ or ďmolestationĒ because I canít find any similar cases or was I just suckered into something I now regret?


It most certainly DOES qualify as abuse. And it certainly sounds like molestation to me. And no one has to hit you or tie you down to make it abuse. What was used against you was your own FEAR. It's a HUGE DEAL for a kid to think that he might not have any friends. And kids will do all sorts of things [Including - sometimes - what you ended up doing] just to keep from being friendless.

4) Kids canít cum therefore no one ejaculated in or on me, so how can it be anything?

When an adult man rapes a woman - it doesn't matter if he cums during the rape. Cumming has nothing to do with it. It's still rape. Sexual abuse [Like what you experienced] is all about being forced to do something sexual against ones will.

5) Is it normal for kids to do this kind of thing? Am I just being a little simp about it? If it isnít normal why would they do it?

It IS 'normal' for young guys to consensually experiment sexually with one another. But it is NOT 'normal' [Or 'common'] for guys to take advantage of a younger guy the way you were taken advantage of.

WHY did they do it?! I don't know. But they were kids too. So it's possible that THEY were being taken advantage of by someone older than them. OR maybe they saw their older sister [Or whoever] give their boyfriend/husband a blow job and became consumed with curiosity. It's even possible that THEY don't even really know why. Sometimes 'things' happen in life and there are no clear answers. But whether there is a reason or not - it still doesn't make YOU responsible.

7) Sometimes they would suck me off and I would get hard, does this mean I wanted it, that it was consensual?

That is probably THE most common concern male victims of sexual abuse have. They convince themselves that they MUST have 'wanted it' IF they got an erection. BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE. The penis responds to touch. The penis has no idea what or WHO is touching it. The penis does not know - or CARE - if the source of contact is your own hand, a mattress or some other person's hand or mouth or whatever. The fact that you got a 'hard on' when they would suck you off does NOT mean that you consented to being sucked off. It does NOT MEAN that you 'wanted it'. That's a difficult 'thing' to accept - for a lot of guys who have been abused sexually in one way or another. But I promise you - it's the truth.

Many girls go through this too - believing that they MUST have 'asked for it' because the sexual abuse was PHYSICALLY pleasurable. [In some way] But they didn't consent to the abuse anymore than you did.

I think it's very important for you to appreciate just how YOUNG you were when all of this first started. You really have no right to feel either shame OR guilt. You are holding onto something that doesn't belong to you.

I wrote a message a few months ago that became a TeenHelp article. I'd like you to read it.

Just click on the link below.

Having Unfair Expectation of the Child We Once Were

One last thought - for now.

You said.....

"When I think about it I feel like a piece of shit, I feel manipulated, stupid and weak. I feel like there are two of me, the tough guy my friends know and the miserable, depressed little wimp I feel like on the inside."


First off - you are not stupid or weak. And you are not a piece of shit.

Secondly - It's VERY common for people who have been abused [Sexually or otherwise] to feel like they are two people. The person they let the world see. And the person they hide away. But the more these people [And this will include YOU in time] come to realize that they have been believing LIES about themselves - the more at peace they become with their entire selves. In other words - they slowly but surely become a whole person again. And that WILL happen to you - as you learn to accept the TRUTH. As you learn to accept that what happened was NOT YOUR FAULT.

GBH - Craig!!
   
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Blackwing Offline
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Re: I'm not good with emotions but I need to get some stuff off my chest - December 29th 2009, 11:49 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by CanadaCraig View Post
Hi Johnny Walker!!

I'm going to respond directly to some of the points you made and then say a little something after that.

I hope that's OK.

1) They never hit me, they never tied me down, they just sort of told me to and I did. I donít remember the first time but I can remember not wanting to, I can remember knowing it was wrong.

2) I would refuse but I would always cave in especially when I would realize that if I didnít then I would have no friends .

3) Does this even qualify as ďabuseĒ or ďmolestationĒ because I canít find any similar cases or was I just suckered into something I now regret?

It most certainly DOES qualify as abuse. And it certainly sounds like molestation to me. And no one has to hit you or tie you down to make it abuse. What was used against you was your own FEAR. It's a HUGE DEAL for a kid to think that he might not have any friends. And kids will do all sorts of things [Including - sometimes - what you ended up doing] just to keep from being friendless.

4) Kids canít cum therefore no one ejaculated in or on me, so how can it be anything?

When an adult man rapes a woman - it doesn't matter if he cums during the rape. Cumming has nothing to do with it. It's still rape. Sexual abuse [Like what you experienced] is all about being forced to do something sexual against ones will.

5) Is it normal for kids to do this kind of thing? Am I just being a little simp about it? If it isnít normal why would they do it?

It IS 'normal' for young guys to consensually experiment sexually with one another. But it is NOT 'normal' [Or 'common'] for guys to take advantage of a younger guy the way you were taken advantage of.

WHY did they do it?! I don't know. But they were kids too. So it's possible that THEY were being taken advantage of by someone older than them. OR maybe they saw their older sister [Or whoever] give their boyfriend/husband a blow job and became consumed with curiosity. It's even possible that THEY don't even really know why. Sometimes 'things' happen in life and there are no clear answers. But whether there is a reason or not - it still doesn't make YOU responsible.

7) Sometimes they would suck me off and I would get hard, does this mean I wanted it, that it was consensual?

That is probably THE most common concern male victims of sexual abuse have. They convince themselves that they MUST have 'wanted it' IF they got an erection. BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE. The penis responds to touch. The penis has no idea what or WHO is touching it. The penis does not know - or CARE - if the source of contact is your own hand, a mattress or some other person's hand or mouth or whatever. The fact that you got a 'hard on' when they would suck you off does NOT mean that you consented to being sucked off. It does NOT MEAN that you 'wanted it'. That's a difficult 'thing' to accept - for a lot of guys who have been abused sexually in one way or another. But I promise you - it's the truth.

Many girls go through this too - believing that they MUST have 'asked for it' because the sexual abuse was PHYSICALLY pleasurable. [In some way] But they didn't consent to the abuse anymore than you did.

I think it's very important for you to appreciate just how YOUNG you were when all of this first started. You really have no right to feel either shame OR guilt. You are holding onto something that doesn't belong to you.

I wrote a message a few months ago that became a TeenHelp article. I'd like you to read it.

Just click on the link below.

Having Unfair Expectation of the Child We Once Were

One last thought - for now.

You said.....

"When I think about it I feel like a piece of shit, I feel manipulated, stupid and weak. I feel like there are two of me, the tough guy my friends know and the miserable, depressed little wimp I feel like on the inside."

First off - you are not stupid or weak. And you are not a piece of shit.

Secondly - It's VERY common for people who have been abused [Sexually or otherwise] to feel like they are two people. The person they let the world see. And the person they hide away. But the more these people [And this will include YOU in time] come to realize that they have been believing LIES about themselves - the more at peace they become with their entire selves. In other words - they slowly but surely become a whole person again. And that WILL happen to you - as you learn to accept the TRUTH. As you learn to accept that what happened was NOT YOUR FAULT.

GBH - Craig!!
This is excellent craig well done.


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Casey. Offline
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Re: I'm not good with emotions but I need to get some stuff off my chest - December 30th 2009, 02:05 AM

Hey there,

You are not stupid or weak. You are actually really strong, to post here. It takes a lot of guts, and I'm proud of you for trying to ask for help.

Quote:
1) They never hit me, they never tied me down, they just sort of told me to and I did. I donít remember the first time but I can remember not wanting to, I can remember knowing it was wrong.
2) I would refuse but I would always cave in especially when I would realize that if I didnít then I would have no friends .
3) Does this even qualify as ďabuseĒ or ďmolestationĒ because I canít find any similar cases or was I just suckered into something I now regret?
4) Kids canít cum therefore no one ejaculated in or on me, so how can it be anything?
5) Is it normal for kids to do this kind of thing? Am I just being a little simp about it? If it isnít normal why would they do it?
6) Nothing went in my ass.
7) Sometimes they would suck me off and I would get hard, does this mean I wanted it, that it was consensual?
So, it doesn't matter if they hit you, or if they made you feel like you have had to do it, it's still considered abuse. It was still wrong of them to do that to you. You were a kid, it's not your fault what happened, not at all.

It is normal for kids to experiment and play around, but it is not normal for kids to force you to do anything like that against your will. It doesn't matter what you label it as, it's still wrong. And I know it's hard to talk about. Male sexual abuse is almost taboo to talk about, but it's much more common than you would think.

Just because your body reacted, does not make it consensual. Trust me on that one, your body doesn't know that the touch or whatever is unwanted. It doesn't mean you wanted it, it just means that your body responded to touch, as it will always do.

It was totally not your fault, and one day this will be easier to handle. Talking about it, makes it easier. Just hang in there, okay? And if you need anything, I know I'm not a guy but I get it, don't hesitate to pm me.


She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.


Smile through the tears.


PM me

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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Johnny Walker Offline
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Re: I'm not good with emotions but I need to get some stuff off my chest - December 31st 2009, 03:25 PM

Craig,

Thanks for posting a link to your article it was really well writen and made a lot of sence. So much of my life has revolved around the fact that I have been unable to accept "my child". Instead I have berated him and treid my best to forget who I was and become someone new. Tbh I became a bully and a prick and then I became an Introvert. I have only really begun tackling my past and confronting the discomfort in the last year or so (with finally putting in writing some of what happened being the latest step) it has been the best year of my life.

But bridging the gap between what I know and what I feel will probably take a long time. I know the only way to get ovr my past is to embrace it and I know that it wasn't my fault and I know that I shouldn't hate myself for what I was but even as I write this I feel like i am lying.

Nevertheless thank you and everyone else for your responses. I really didn't know what to expect when I posted this and to be honest I half expected that I would regret ever sharring this with everyone.

Thanks for proving me wrong.


Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.
Kurt Vonnegut
Be content with what you are, and wish not change; nor dread your last day, nor long for it.
Marcus Aurelius
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill
   
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CanadaCraig Offline
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Re: I'm not good with emotions but I need to get some stuff off my chest - January 2nd 2010, 12:24 AM

Hi Johnny Walker!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I'm very glad that I was able to help.

A couple of things that you should know.... Becoming a 'bully and a prick' is a very common response to what you went through. Think of it as, "the pendulum swings". To counter something that you believed took something away from you - you responded by going overboard to get it back. In other words - to counter your feelings of being a 'wimp' - you became 'hyper-macho'. Trouble is - 'hyper-macho' often means being a bully and a prick. But being a 'bully and a prick' is no more the REAL YOU than being a 'wimp'. The REAL YOU is somewhere in between those two extremes. [As it is for most of us]

Another thing I think you need to know is that your 'inner child' is going to be fighting this change. 'HE' is going to feel threatened by what your trying to do. 'HIS' position in your life has been assured. But now - if you make it your goal to find a healthy balance in your life [Between the two extremes talked about earlier] your 'inner child' will no longer be 'running the show'. And that will cause 'HIM' to respond in all sorts of different ways. This may sound very odd. But we have to realize that our 'inner child' is a very real part of us. In a healthy adult - the 'inner child' merely goes along for the ride. In an 'unhealthy adult - the 'inner child' is in charge. This is why you see a lot of immature adults. Every now and then - of course - even in the healthiest of adults - that 'inner child' is going to play a bigger part - and that's OK - sometimes. Especially if that 'inner child' was pretty healthy to begin with. So keep this in mind. And don't allow your 'inner child' to convince you that you can't do it - that you can't find that balance that makes it possible for someone to feel content and at peace. Whenever 'HE' is trying to get 'HIS' power back - reassure him that you have no intention of abandoning 'HIM' and that the time has come for 'HIM' to let YOU - the ADULT - to take over.

GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!
   
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