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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Crescendo Offline
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Unhappy How "It" Changed Me - January 6th 2010, 10:11 AM

I'm trying to stop telling myself that what happened was not bad at all (even though it really really wasn't) and that it's my fault, and instead focus on fact that I was hurt by the incident.

So, I wanted to talk about how I've changed since "it" happened.

*In the first three months I gained [edited number] pounds.
*To date (its been about 27 months) I've gained about [larger edited number] pounds.
*probably would have ended up happening anyway but i've had my first 4 psychiatric hospitalizations, and was in residential for 6 weeks.
*Before I would very rarely miss school. In the past 17 months of school, I was absent for 11 of them for mental health reasons.
*I almost never hug my dad
*I am generally afraid to be alone in a room with a male
*after my girlfriend broke up with me three months after i have not dated in real life.
*I am afraid to go out at night alone.
*I sometimes don't shower for days to avoid being triggered
*generally, only thinking about being sexually violated and humiliated turns me on
*Major increase of self hate
*Major decrease of social interactions

I hate thinking about how much I let him change me. I hate seeing this video of me on youtube where i was dancing by myself for a talent show at school in front of part of my grade, and went on to do the same act in the gong show in front of several hundred people and won first place, of how out going i was, of how many friends I had. The three birthday's I've had since it I've spent with my parents. I have spent time with a friend outside of school a total of 1 time since august. currently i don't have any friends in real life.

I don't regret what happened. But I HATE who I've let myself become.
the day after it happened, one of the camp staff members who knew told me "Don't let this ruin your life."

I miss that girl I used to be. Outgoing. Many friends. Good grades. Struggling with depression, but stable.

I hate who I am, sometimes so much I wish I was dead.
there's no where to run to escape from myself.
I hate this.


When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.

Last edited by Gaia; January 6th 2010 at 12:16 PM. Reason: weight numbers are against the ToS.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How "It" Changed Me - January 6th 2010, 08:01 PM

Hey Megan,

You are right, it's not your fault. Not at all. It doesn't matter how bad it was, what matters is that it happened. I know it's hard to move on, hard to let yourself trust someone, or to let someone touch you again, but it can be okay. I know it's hard to accepted what happened, but you can't change the fact that it happened.

You can change who you are, though. You don't have to keep living like this. You can be okay, Megan. It just takes time and hard work. My friend was hurt by , and for the longest time she wouldn't let anyone touch her, or be in the same room as most men. But now, now she's fine, and she's okay with it sometimes. It just takes baby steps to get there, but you can get there.

If you need anything Megan, feel free to pm me.

She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.

Smile through the tears.

PM me

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Re: How "It" Changed Me - January 8th 2010, 02:38 PM

Megan, I was the victim of attempted rape when I was in middle school, I know exactly where you're coming from. Thankfully I got away, but I have flashbacks too....

It's been about 3 years now. It IS possible to regain yourself, who you used to be. He changed me as well, and now I'm a lesbian... it's been very hard... I can't look at men without disgust. I hate all the men my friends are around. I can't stand Twilight, and I feel ostracized, even when I'm in a group.

Don't hate yourself, it wasn't you. I know I hated myself for so long as well... I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but did you tell someone? Get him away from you, so you never have to see him?

And as for dating, you just need a while to be single. Right now, you need some friends instead of someone to date. Is there anything you're still interested in? Or that you were before? Like dance for example... maybe you should consider joining a dance studio or a club. You don't have to overwhelm yourself. Just one club or something. When you feel like you can. Your outgoing self isn't lost forever, you're just hiding it to protect yourself. ^^

Its hard to be accepted in your own mind, but when I told my friends, little by little, they were there for me. In fact they stopped bringing up "hot" guys entirely...

So don't feel alone, I'm here for you. I'm here to talk about it, if you need someone. (:
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How "It" Changed Me - January 12th 2010, 05:14 AM


I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this but I want you to know that you will be okay. The person who did this to you only has the control as long as you allow him too. The best way I have learned to put the shame back on my attacker and to not let him have control over me anymore was by going out and making friends, letting myself trust again and talking about it.

It is the hardest thing to do at first but the more you do those things the more you might start to see this incident and this persons actions no longer have as much control over you.

Megan if you haven't already please consider talking to someone about this. I do not expect for you to go into full detail about it right away; I still haven't but I will. I just think that you should slowly start talking about it. And, gradually you will feel better.

Even if you start talking about it more openly on here that would be a great step to take. I would love to talk to you and be there to support you through all of this. I know the internet is not the best place but it can be a start and from there you might gather the courage to start talking to others about it as well.

Baby steps is definitely the way to go. I know that is what I am doing and it is helping immensely. Yes, I have rough days but I have a lot of good days too and those days are worth it.

*generally, only thinking about being sexually violated and humiliated turns me on

This is what I have dealt with for the longest time and still am. It doesn't make you a bad person I can promise that. I can't give you a reason as to why it happens but I know there is one. You know, I think it could have something to do with the fact that sexual violation and humiliation remind people so much of the abuse they suffered and what not, almost like a body memory and so you get aroused. But, don't quote me because I need to ask my therapist why I am like that to. But please do not think that that means you liked it or that you want it to happen again because it doesn't.

Please hang in there and don't let this person control your life. Remember baby steps and go from there.

Please know that I am here for you and I would love nothing more than to chat with you. If you ever want to please pm me and I will be here for you.


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