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How Did It Affect My Family? - January 20th 2010, 02:39 AM

I really need some advice/assurance.

I've already posted on here before telling you guys that I was tricked and raped by my next door neighbor. And normally thinking back on it doesn't bug me too much anymore, because it happened 10 years ago. I've told my parents, I've gone to counseling, and I've pretty much moved on.

But ever since my Grandma died, my anxiety has come back and it makes me start thinking about things like that and my parents divorce. And I began to wonder if maybe the two connect and that became a catalyst for my parent's break up. And I started to feel bad, because I thought that maybe by telling my parents it hurt them (not just in relationship-wise).

Anyway, it upset me so much that I couldn't go to school today. And I mentioned it to my Mom and she said that it didn't bother her anymore and that she didn't blame herself for it and that it wasn't my fault. Which was reassuring.

But when I asked her if the incident had been a catalyst for my parent's divorce she said, "I honestly don't know. I didn't ask for the divorce."

So I felt a little better after talking to her, but now I feel bad again.

My Dad once told me that once they found out what had happened (4 years after it happened) my Dad wanted to move us. And my Mom just said, "Well I hope you can find another job." and that made me Dad mad because he thought that she should get a job to help out. (Of course she's at home taking care of me) and My Dad's main factor for divorcing my Mom was because of how lazy she was.

So maybe if I hadn't said anything, then maybe they wouldn't have had to go through the heartache of knowing their daughter was sexually assaulted. And maybe they wouldn't have gotten divorced as soon. (They divorced about 2 years after I told them.)

I'd ask my Dad about it, but he's touchy about the subject and always gets mad. And I don't want him to be up all night thinking about it (he has trouble sleeping anyway.)

What should I do?


   
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Re: How Did It Affect My Family? - January 20th 2010, 02:55 AM

Hey there Mariah.

I know it's easier said than done, but you can't blame yourself or anything that you did for your parents divorce. What happened to you was not your fault and it is a good thing that you were able to tell your parents. I'm proud of you for that.

Finding out that their daughter was hurt probably did make things hard for them, but I bet it would have been harder finding out even later and knowing you felt unable to talk to them. They are your parents and they are supposed to be there for you. It sounds like their marriage was shaky even before you told them, so that's proof right there that you didn't cause any of it. People change and they grow apart, but that doesn't mean they love you any less or that they didn't want you to be able to come to them.

As for the anxiety coming back, that's a fairly normal reaction when big events occur. One of my therapists told me to expect break downs when major life events happen and so far she's been right. When big changes in our life occur, all of our past experiences tend to bubble to the surface a bit and we have to work through them again. It does get easier, but it still takes a bit of time and talking.

Don't be afraid to talk to your dad about how you're feeling. I'm sure he would want to be there for you.

I hope you are doing okay right now. Take care of yourself and feel free to PM me anytime.
<3 Emily


"Sometimes it's a struggle to be not who you want to be, not who you used to be, not who you're going to be,
but just being right where you are, who you are"

   
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Re: How Did It Affect My Family? - January 20th 2010, 03:08 AM

^Thanks that really helps. I was beginning to think no one would answer until tomorrow.

I'm not sure why it came to mind after my Grandma died. It just sort of did. But it's frustrating, because I never blamed myself for my parent's divorce. I did consider that the incident might have done something, but I always brushed it off because it didn't seem like that big of a deal.


   
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