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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
love_hate Offline
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Name: Nicole
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Exclamation I just want it to stop... - January 25th 2010, 08:17 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Ever get that feeling where no one in this entire world understands you...or that you are invisable? Yeah I get that every day of my life.

It's almost like people don't believe me or that I make it up...No one understands...Or if they do then why don't they want it too stop?

It started when I was four years old...My dad...He would get seriously drunk and come into my room at night and sexually abuse me. I can't remember all of the things that happened back then...I guess I tried to block it out and pretentd like things were normal and sometimes it would really work.

When I was 11 years old because my parents seperated my father didn't have the oppertunity to sexually abuse me any longer so he chose the easier version, to verbually abuse me and completely fuck up my life...

He still does it to this day. He treats me like a child at times, doesn't think I am old enough to understand the meaning of divorce or anything involved in that, I am fucking fifteen I think it's pretty obvious what it means.

The day after my grandad died...He phoned me at half six in the morning and when I shouted at him to get of the phone he swore at me down the phone and said my grandad would was going to hell and that's exactly where I would be going when he got his hands on me.

Aged fourteen when I was staying at his house (Big mistake) he decided that he wanted to show me his new "Toy" so he walked into my room, without knocking hitting a baseball bat of his hand, with the words "Scum-beater" branded on it. I was so petrified, I was scared he would hit me...He just kept banging it of his hand and told me that he was going to use it to beat the shit outta the scum from Port seaton. That's my mum's boy-friend who is seriously hates.

I have been to doctor after doctor and told them about my story, one doctor took me seriously and referred me to social services, they told me I was old enough to make my own choices in life and never had to see my dad again...Fat chance of that happening. He would come down to my house some nights when he was drunk and scream at the top of his lungs abuse at my window, it would make me cry and he would just laugh when he knew that I was crying...

He even has people following me. He can tell me the exact time I leave the house each morning. He has got my half brother to try and break into my mums house where I live with her. He has tried to get my half brother to rape me which he nearly successfully managed to do...

I am so scared, paranoid and frightened...I just don't know what I meant to do anymore.

People tell me I am a strong person...They don't know how I deal with all this, I used to be able to deal with it but now I don't think I can. I just want to die, I am on the brink of taking another over-dose and the thing is I really don't wanna die...That's the problem...I wanna live but I can't live like this...Not any longer. So if dyings the way out...It looks like thats what's gonna happen...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Emily. Offline
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Re: I just want it to stop... - January 26th 2010, 02:21 AM

Hey there Nicole. This sounds like a really horrible situation to be in. I'm sorry the people you have told have let you down so much, but don't quit talking, okay? Go to the police, let your mom and the school and everyone know what's going on with your dad. He should not be allowed to continually harass and abuse you like this. Hopefully with enough adults involved your dad can be stopped. I strongly urge involving the police though. What he is doing is wrong and illegal and he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.

How is your relationship with your mom? If you can, I really think talking to her about what he has done and is still doing would be a good idea. You deserve the support of your mom through all of this. I also think it would be a good idea to try counseling. It's nice to have someone there for you when you are struggling. Plus they can help you work through the past/current abuse.

The last thing I want to add is that none of what has happened is your fault Nicole. Your dad and the people he has involved are the only ones to blame. What he is doing is evil and horrible, but you are a wonderful person and you did not deserve any of it. Hurting yourself and ending things is not the way out of this. Don't give up hun. There is help out there.

Keep yourself safe and please reach out for help hun. You can PM me anytime.
<3 Emily

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but just being right where you are, who you are"

Last edited by Emily.; January 26th 2010 at 03:33 AM.
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Casey. Offline
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Re: I just want it to stop... - January 26th 2010, 03:29 AM

Hey Nicole,

Firstly, this isn't your fault, not at all. It does sound like a rather difficult situation. Can you talk to your mum, let her know what he says and does, what he did, to you. Tell her you don't want to see him anymore. If you can't say it, write her a letter or a note, just let her know what's going on.

Could you try talking to your school counselor, or even your head of year? You are fifteen, not of legal age in the U.K., and you are still so very young. You don't have to do this alone, and you are too young to fix this yourself, as the social workers told you. Reach out, your school can help. TH is also always here, or you could try a hotline(http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f3-general/t22-hotlines/). I've heard many great things about childline.

Suicide is not the way to go. It solves nothing, and it lets him win. He doesn't need to win this. You can fight, you can be okay, and you can get through this. Just don't harm yourself, ok? It's not the answer, trust me on that one.

Take good care of yourself, and feel free to pm me anytime, Nicole

She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

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Sometimes things just happen.

Smile through the tears.

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I just want it to stop... - January 26th 2010, 03:37 AM

Hi Nicole,

I was planning on skimming these posts, just reading the headlines of so many hurting people, and then heading to bed with a prayer and hope that each of you would wake up with a better tomorrow.

After I read your story, I couldn't walk away with out posting. I want to say to you that I am so so sorry for all that you've been through in your life, no one deserves that. How absolutely awful that you have been treated this way for so long, I am so very sorry that no one has come into save you yet.

I can't believe all those doctors didn't take you seriously, that's really sad. Is there anyone else you can go to? Does your mom know how serious this situation is? Do you have anyone you trust at school that you can talk to?

Please know that we are all here for you, anytime of the day or night, ready to listen, ready to hear you, and ready to do whatever you need us to. Please hang in there, things will get better, I promise.

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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I just want it to stop... - January 26th 2010, 03:52 AM

In situations like this, you just got to keep doing your best to get the word out there to the right people. Tell a teacher, your principal, your mom, mom's boyfriend, police, anyone and everyone. Things like this should NEVER be allowed to happen, and believe me, if I ever get the chance to help you out, you better believe I will.

The first thing you want to do is try and get a restraining order placed upon your dad and your half-brother so they can't ever get near enough to touch you again. Crimes like these are unforgivable, and need to be dealt with as soon as possible. They both need to understand that they can't get away with abusing you any longer.

At your age, you shouldn't be scared or worried about getting abused by your father. You should bask in the love of your mother's arms, go out and have fun with your friends, and take the time to love life. Your worries should be who's going to ask you to the next school dance, or how you're ever going to finish that mountain of homework, not when your father is going to come to abuse you next.

Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved. By me, by everyone else on this forum, and by your family. You have our full support. If you need anything, and it is within my power to do it for you, I will do it for you.

Love always,

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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
love_hate Offline
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Re: I just want it to stop... - January 26th 2010, 06:38 PM

Thank you all so much for replying. I just want to say that yes my guidence teacher at school does know...He has been doing everything but the police can't do anything as there is no real proof.

As for childline...I phoned them and several times and basically they told me what everyone else has...I need to deal with the situation...

No one is willing to help. My mum and her boy-friend tell me I don't have to see him and it's true...They don't know the full extent...I can't tell them. I am letting it out on here as I know that I can trust that people will hopefully believe my side of the story and see the pain I am going through.

On the concelling matter I have been reffered but there is no word on me getting concelling at this precise moment in time...I can live with it for a little while longer...I even wrote a letter to my dad's physcatrist who didn't even have the courtesy to repsond or tell me everything is going to be okay...Like everyone else...he has heard my dad's lies...they are so convinvcing that as they are said, they really could bring tears to a glass eye...
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