why now?

[lauren18uk]

I have posted on here multiple times before, I was abused sexually by my Dad when i was aged about 4, a lot of it i have forgotton because i was so young. This past year i have found it all really hard, 2 and a half years ago i went to court and on the day my dad pleaded guilty to what he did to me and was sentenced, he is still in prison now. I am the happiest i have ever been this past year i am in a really good relationship with my amazing partner, i am very close to my mum, at university etc everything is going good.
Yet this year its as though i am only just reacting to what happened, my counsellor who i still go to sometimes and who is a great help says it is because my mind is now happy and healthy more relaxed, i can now finally react to what happened. It feels like there are three people in my relationship, me, my boyfriend and my dad, i am just feeling such guilt at the moment, it is consuming me, i cant really explain this to anyone because they just say i have nothing to feel guilty about, I just never feel worthy, i feel bad or hate the fact that my dad still has this hold over me, i pray for the day he dies cause that day i believe i will finally be free.
My nanna ( my dads mum) i was close to but she has stayed loyal to him, she writes to him from prison, and talks of how he is a reformed character, so me and my mum have now decided to seperate ourselves from the past we need to cut ties with her, it is a decision that has come from me, she is not trustworthy and i believe is informing her son of everything i am up to, i dont want him to know my news.
How i feel about myself has been disrupting my sex life with my partner, i have been feeling very depressed and just such guilt, not for what happened just about myself, terrified i will ever be anything like him, though i know i am not. I dont know why i am feeling like this now all i want to be is happy yet its like i wont let myself be... i just dont know how to be, because since being little i have not known how to be happy.

[Emily.]

Hey there Lauren. I know abuse is a really hard thing to deal with, but it sounds like you have already come so far. You should be proud of yourself. You were able to stand up to your dad and make sure he served time for the crimes he committed, you recognized that the relationship you had with his mom was holding you back, and you know that something isn't right now and you want help with it. You seem to have handled things so well.

Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help though. Talk with your partner about how the past abuse is effecting you. If you can be open and honest with the person you love, it will make the relationship so much better for you. If they love you they will want to take things slow for you and help you work through this.

I think it would also help to let your therapist know what's going on. Maybe seeing her on a more regular basis can help you get back on track. What she said is definitely true. When we are more stable it's much easier for our minds to process and deal with all the bad the we have gone through. Your mind finally feels you are strong enough to handle the past and so it's coming back up. You don't have to deal with this on your own though. Talk with people and talk with your therapist. You can heal.

The last thing I want to say is that what happened was not your fault and everyone you have talked to is right, you have no reason to feel guilty. I know it can be a hard things to accept. As victims of abuse it's sometimes easier for us to blame ourselves because it helps us feel like we had some control over the situation. It wasn't your fault though. I think time is one of the only things that can help you come to accept that. Don't rush you're healing. Everyone goes at their own pace and heals in their own way.

I hope you are okay right now. You can always PM me if you need to talk.
<3 Emily