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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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How do I stop blaming myself? - March 9th 2010, 09:09 PM

When I was 3 I was raped twice. The second time for 6 years. I know who did it both times and I never turned either of them in for it. Ever since it happened Ive hated myself for it. I blame myself everyday for letting it happen. The guy that raped me the second time was my dad and Im a lot like him. Almost everything about me is like him including my temper. I really hate him for everything he did. I think that since I hate him and Im a lot like him thats why I hate myself so much. Sometime I tell myself that I deserved it all and Im always telling myself I dont deserve anything good to happen to me. Ive tried to talk to counselors and other people about it but it doesnt help. Ive tried killing myself many times because to me I deserve to die. How do I deal with it enough to where it isnt controlling my life? How do I stop hating myself so much? How do I stop blaming myself for it all the time?
   
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Re: How do I stop blaming myself? - March 10th 2010, 12:52 AM

Hey there,

First of all, I want you to know that this isn't easy. Dealing and coping with something like abuse, or rape to any degree is probably one of the most difficult things anyone has to go through on a day to day basis. Basically, by waking up each day and remembering to try your best to get through and do what you can to do it in a healthy way ( physically/mentally/emotionally), you're on your way to making some sort of progress. I know it seems hopeless sometimes but it's really something that takes time. And you need to be willing to give the time.

My first suggestion would be to give up suicide as any means of coping. Whether that be thinking about it when you're really low or believing things are better with it. Bottom line, giving up your life so early, when you have SO much going for you and so much to learn is not a solution. And it won't solve anything. Constantly having suicide as a solution will only push you further behind. Because while you're trying to get over this, you're also allowing yourself to stop coping and start letting go. Try to remember that it's okay to have bad days and days when you don't want to do anything, but always remember that you can try again. And that's the point. To try again. Until you make it a little further. But if you die, you'll never get that chance.

Secondly, from what I read, you seem to be very hard on yourself. From what I've experienced, and heard, I think it's often a normal occurrence for victims of abuse to blame themselves. And after the blaming, we just become harder on ourselves in all aspects of our lives. An important habit to get into is to become more positive. When something goes wrong, instead of placing blame, try to understand that not everything needs to have a fault. Remember that we're all prone to making mistakes, but that doesn't mean you're a lesser person. Try starting to be positive in smaller portions of your life and work your way up to stop blaming yourself for the abuse. It does take time, but I really think you should stick with it. Maybe make visuals? Write down what happened and how it makes you feel and why. Then try to counteract some of those negative feelings towards yourself with some positives.

As for how you feel about your father, it's true, sometimes we do see things we don't like in our parents that have been passed on to us. But that doesn't mean you need to accept it. It doesn't mean you can't work on it. It doesn't mean you need to grow up and decide that you're just an angry person. If you truly want to change that, I believe you can. This is your life and you can be who you are. Also, remember that we all tend to get angry sometimes, just because you do, does not mean you're your father. It means you're human. Try to separate yourself from him and remember that you're your own person.

If you remember anything from my reply, I hope it's what I'm about to say. You were incredibly young when these unfortunate things happened. You were still maturing and learning. This is a fragile state in your life. A time in which its hard to understand what is and isn't supposed to be happening. Let alone make right decisions. But this was not your choice. This was not your fault. And this is not your responsibility to bare the blame. Unfortunately, you do have to heal, but regardless, you were not to blame. In either occasion. I don't care if you're 3 or 10. You are too young and it is the responsibility of the more mature and older person to know what is and isn't right. You should have never been forced into that situation.

If you need anything, I want you to know that I'm only a PM away. I'm more than happy to talk with you anytime. Remember that you're unique and special and you have everything you need to get through this.

Take care.
-Melissa


01 // 10 // 11

Baby stand tall. You can have it all.

Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine..
   
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Re: How do I stop blaming myself? - March 23rd 2010, 12:00 AM

first of all IT ISNT YOUR FAULT
SEOCND PLEASE DONT TAKE YOUR LIFE
you are special and i know that what they did to you was very wrong and they should have known better but i think you really need to tell someone that you can really trust maybe a teacher or a school consulor so they could get you the help that you need
i know nhow it feels to be abuse by someone you love because i have been there my grandma abused me for about 7 years and it has caused a lot of things to go wrong but hey we could though it with help but it isnt wroth to take your own life over

please pm if you ever want to talk

Theresa
   
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