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Ella.x Offline
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Is this why? - March 31st 2010, 01:49 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

When I was 9 I was sexually abused by my older brother. He used to make me give him oral sex. When I was 15 I was emotionally abused my my long term boyfriend at the time. I find it incredibly difficult to trust anyone, men in particular.
However, recently I have become a complete slut - sleeping around, having cybersex with strangers, sending strangers slutty photos of me etc. It's not that I really want to do these things, it just makes me feel better about myself to know that someone wants me. I've been taking drugs, drinking to excess and basically screwing everything up. Is it likely that this is a result of my past abuse? or am I just being a complete idiot? I'm so confused by everything. Someone help me?

Last edited by Casey.; April 2nd 2010 at 03:22 AM. Reason: Changing trigger tag to fit the new guidelines.
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Re: Is this why? - March 31st 2010, 03:50 AM

Hi Ella

I do believe it is the result of your past abuse. You are not an idiot.
I have been attacked and also have incredible urges to have sex with any guy to is nice to me. (even tho I don't trust men either) Maybe it''s to feel "clean" again... if that makes any sense.

Sorry I cant offer any solutions other than you are not alone and your feelings / actions typical considering the abuse you suffered.


"Think of your life as a book, move forward, close one chapter and open another." Unknown

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‎"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser." John W. Gardner

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Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving." J.K. Rowling
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Re: Is this why? - April 1st 2010, 09:18 PM

I'm so angry at myself. I'm seeing this guy and he's an absolute sweetheart. He doesn't pressure me into anything, but I feel as though I have to please him otherwise he'll leave. I just want to feel wanted. I'm so scared of being rejected. I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to kill myself soon.
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Re: Is this why? - April 1st 2010, 10:47 PM

Hey Ella,
I do think your past is related to the way you act now.
I think that everything that happens to us during life helps form the person that we become.
It's good you're with someone right now that treats you right. It's okay to want to please your partner but you don't have to feel obligated to do so. You have to do things when you want to and when you're ready to do so. You have to do what makes YOU happy.
Have you ever considered getting professional help, to speak about what has happened in the past. I know it's hard to speak about the past but it does help you to get over things.
None of this is your fault so please don't blame yourself.
I'm always here if you need to talk.
Paige xox
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Re: Is this why? - April 1st 2010, 11:04 PM

I'm doing cognitive behavioural therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for borderline personality disorder. I am trying so hard to sort myself out but every time i try to talk about what happened i freeze up. It's like my body won't let the words out. I hate it.
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Re: Is this why? - April 1st 2010, 11:11 PM

In a way I can relate to your situation
I got to a point where I would have one night stands with friends of mine
I mean I knew he only wanted me for sex
And one of my best friends pointed that out to me
I didn't really care.
It was the feeling that someone actually wanted me
Maybe it was due to the fact that my Mom pretty much gave me away to anyone who would take care of me so she could do drugs
I don't really know
The thought crossed my mind that because I was raped, that since I could not bring myself to trust anyone and men in particular, that why not at least feel wanted and special whenever I got the chance to?
I still would not take the things I did back
Because it made me who I am today
However bad that sounds it is the truth
I got into drugs and drinking really bad in my 8th grade year.
My 7th grade summer was when I was raped
In a way to say, that was how I coped with it
My Mom had told me it was my fault
Even though I knew it wasn't
What made everything worse was that she stayed with him
Knowing what he had did to me and that he had previously molested me, she stayed with him
So as far as trust goes I can barely trust ANYONE

That is completely understandable in a situation like this
However, the fact that you believe these two events in your life are linked somehow could be a sign that you have not come to mends with the fact that you were raped.
You definitely need to make peace with yourself about it
100% not just halfway
And don't put it off
I can't exactly tell you how to go about doing that as it varies from person to person
For most, talking it out with someone is the beginning
Hope this helped.
You can PM me or IM me on Yahoo Messenger anytime if you want to talk.

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April 1st 2010, 11:48 PM

I just ODed on my anti-depressants. Not enough to do any real damage, just enough to make me sleep hopefully. I've been awake for 42 hours now. I need to sleep. I need to make it go away for a while. I'm starting to scare myself. I need help.

well that failed. The pills just made me throw up. Don't know why - I only took double my usual dose. I prettymuch just fail at everything really.

Last edited by Casey.; April 2nd 2010 at 03:21 AM. Reason: Merging posts.
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Re: Is this why? - April 2nd 2010, 03:40 AM

Hey Ella,

Suicide is not the answer. It will not make things better. I know things are hard right now, but you can't give up, you have to keep trying. It is likely that what's going on now is linked to your past abuse. You are not an idiot, you are just hurting.

A lot of us who have been sexually assaulted, or even just abused, tend to have to the need to feel wanted and cared about, there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted.However, acting like that, sleeping around and such, it's not healthy. There are other ways to handle it, to handle life. You have to accepted what happened first, and it's hard, but you can do it.

Just hang in there, and if you need anything, feel free to pm me.

She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.

Smile through the tears.

PM me

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