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Song Brought It Back - April 24th 2010, 07:43 PM

I'm not sure if this goes here. But here it goes.

I have been recovering from anxiety recently. I've been doing pretty well the past two weeks, but on Thursday night I heard a song that I liked. But when I looked up what the song meant, it sort of...messed me up again. The song was actually about a boy who grew up not knowing what love was and he began to think that abuse was what 'love' felt like. So he raped a girl and she got pregnant. The son of the girl who had been raped felt like he was her biggest regret and poured kerosine on himself and lit himself on fire.

Now, I was raped as a little girl, but I didn't get pregnant or anything of course.

But for some reason it struck a cord in me. And it brought back this fear of hurting little kids.

I don't want to hurt little kids. I don't want to rape little kids. Because I don't want to put them through the same pain I went through. I also don't want to feel the same guilt that my rapist felt (He lived next door to me, I could see he felt bad)

But then I started to worry about it too much and every time I see a little kid I find myself attracted to them sexually- which is soooo not how I feel. I'm pretty sure I'm just worrying too much and I'm close to my period (which usually makes me really emotional) But I don't like imagining doing anything to little kids. I love kids! I don't want to hurt them! And some people say that victims become like their rapist. Which scares me!

And I'm starting to wonder if I'm going insane, because I'm having trouble focusing and trying to calm down and reason with myself.

Guys, I'm really sure that I'm not going to do anything to any kids. Again, I love them. But the thoughts of doing something scares me a lot. And I don't want people thinking I'm going to be a danger around kids. Help?

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Re: Song Brought It Back - April 24th 2010, 11:18 PM

Hey Mariah, I'm really sorry about what you experienced as a child. That must have been extremely hard for you, especially considering that your abuser lived next door.

I can relate to some degree. My parents are physically and emotionally abusive. I want to adopt kids some day, but my greatest fear is becoming exactly like them. I'd never want to harm a child in any way. The thing we're both going to have to realize is that we are not our abusers. We are not like them. We do not have to be like them. We can overcome the abuse we've experienced and be stronger, better people for it.

I know what you mean about worrying about it too much. I've found myself looking at kids in the past and wondering, "Would I ever harm them?" Then I become so paranoid. I'm sure you're not truly sexually attracted to these kids. You're just giving it too much thought. I've had similar experiences.

I can't offer you too much advice. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in worrying about things like this. I don't believe you would ever hurt a child. Just try to be yourself around them and I'm sure everyone, including you, will see that you are not a threat.

Take care. xx
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Re: Song Brought It Back - April 24th 2010, 11:42 PM

Hey. I'm sorry to hear things are going so badly right now.

First of all, I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. Abuse is never an easy thing and when it all gets drudged up like this, it doesn't do anyone any favors.

Second, you control what you do. I know how you feel and I look at my little neice and wonder if I would ever do something like that to her. Then I just hug her, tell her she's my little cutie and I know I would never hurt her. As long as you make the conscious decision that you refuse to do that, you never will.

Third, if these feelings are getting hard to deal with, I recommend that you talk to someone, like a counselor, so they can help you with these feelings before you drive yourself crazy with your pain and anxiety.

I hope everything works out soon.
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Re: Song Brought It Back - April 25th 2010, 05:38 AM

Thank you guys for replying back. I posted this problem once before around the same time last summer...now that I think about it...this was about the same time of the year that I told my Mom I had been raped over 6 years ago. So maybe subconsciously, I'm remembering the pain and relief of telling my Mom what happened to me?

It's difficult. But I do know I'm thinking too much. Because when I finally stopped talking about it and saw kids today I just thought, "Aww, they're so cute. I remember playing ball with my friends."

It's just sort of hard to talk about, because I don't want my Mom or anyone else to think that I'm a potential threat. Heck I'd hate to be found on here and be written down as a predator. Doubt that would happen without legal action and reason though.

So I started feeling better about all this until just a few minutes ago. Though most of the baggage is gone. I think I just need to take a good long cry. Things have been happy-sad lately I guess.

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Re: Song Brought It Back - April 26th 2010, 11:58 PM

I don't have much advice to offer, but I want you to know that I'm the exact same, feel the exact same way, and am worried as hell to open up about it to anyone irl because I don't want to be labelled as a thread when I would never, never harm a child. So, you're not alone. <3
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