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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Ms. Music Offline
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What is this? - May 4th 2010, 07:11 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey guys,
So I market this as triggering just in case but I have been having some problems with my boyfriend. I love him and we dated all through high school but lately he has been really unhappy. He has been telling me things like "I think you are average, you look average with an average personality and there is nothing special about you." He said he wanted me to start dressing like I had discovered sex and not as much for comfort, including wearing makeup. He is criticizing me a lot and making me feel really bad about myself, telling me I am too dependant and making me feel stupid.
The other thing is that he has taken to sticking his hand down my pants whenever and it takes a lot of insisting to get him to stop. He is then in a bad mood. Its also like unless I give him a blow job or sex he gets really irritated. Like he gets all in a huff and gets just really irritated. I am wondering if this constitutes abusive behavior? One of my friends mentioned that it sounded like some of it bordered on abuse. I guess it makes me feel bad either way, but I am a bit curious.

Thanks,
Katie

Last edited by Emily.; May 4th 2010 at 08:51 PM. Reason: prefix changed to fit guidelines
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Re: What is this? - May 4th 2010, 09:11 PM

In my opinion, it doesn't border on abuse, it is abuse. The things he's saying to you, as well as trying to get you to change your appearance, could be classified as emotional and mental abuse, simply because he's causing you a great deal of pain/grief over something that a boyfriend should be accepting of. He's also using manipulation (such as saying you're "average") to try and get you to change, which is also wrong.

As for it taking a lot of insisting to get him to stop, I say that this borders on sexual abuse, and it's certainly showing his lack of respect for you. Again, as your boyfriend, he should respect your wishes, your desires, and he should be paying attention to your comfort levels especially when you verbalise and express those to him.

As much as you might love him, as strong a connection you might have to him, you have to bear in mind that whether he's been in a foul mood or not, it's no excuse for the way he's been treating you. Yes, couples argue, yes, people tend to take their emotions and frustrations out on the people they're closest to, however, they don't do it to the extent of criticising their partner in such a way they want a change to take place. It's one thing if you were, say, flirting with other guys (to use an example from my own relationship), but a completely different thing if he's trying to get you to change something you're comfortable with.

If I'm to be entirely honest, these are classic signs/red flags of an abuser, someone who could potentially become a full-on abuser very soon. If you haven't talked to him about his behaviour, I might try that first. Tell him that the things he says really hurt you, and that you understand he's been in a bad mood but that you feel like he's using you as a punching bag and you won't accept it. Also bring up that you're feeling like he lacks respect for you sexually. If he works on changing those things, then great, communication has once again improved another relationship. But if he doesn't? Then I would consider ending the relationship before it gets worse. Put your foot down, tell him you won't tolerate it, and if he doesn't stop, leave him. Hard as it might be, ending the relationship is going to save you a lot of pain and heartbreak down the road.
   
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Re: What is this? - May 4th 2010, 09:36 PM

Katie;

I am sorry to tell you this, but it is abuse. Telling you that there is nothing special about you is emotionally abuse, putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself is abuse that should not happen. If he sticks his hand down your pants and you don't want him to and he won't stop, that is sexual abuse. I know it's difficult because you've dated for so long, but it needs to stop.

Please talk to a counselor about this. Personally, I dated my boyfriend for nine months before he then suddenly turned like a switch. He started calling me "stupid" and putting me down, told me he didn't care about what I liked or how I was feeling, and then began shoving me, controlling all time we had together and what we did, and he was abusive. Then an incident happened one night when he hurt me, and public safety had to get involved, something I wish never happened. To just picture him being pulled from his dorm by two police officers really hurts me even to this day, but he is an abusive person and it's taken me a while to realize that. You can't stay in a relationship with someone who hurts you, even if you love him, because if my roommate hadn't had called public safety, I would have stayed- and if the abuse had continued, I could have been hospitalized.

Please talk to a counselor or someone about this, someone who can help. You need to break up with him, but I can completely understand how that's difficult. My boyfriend isolated me from my family and friends so I had no support system, and that's what abusers try to do. You still have friends. Start spending more time with friends, and less time with him until he hardly becomes a routine in your life. Limit your talking to him. TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL. Tell him you don't like being treated like his sex puppet and unless he stops, you're going to leave. That might make him sober up but if he decides that he can't use you anymore and takes off, LET HIM. He's no good for you, and no good for anyone. As I learned, if you stand up to them, they realize they've lost all control and move on to their next victim.

If you want to talk with me about this more, PLEASE feel free to send me a message! I really feel for you and I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Please find the strength to realize you are a better person and you deserve to be treated better.

-Kristin



   
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Re: What is this? - May 5th 2010, 01:48 AM

I can't say it better than Kristen and Elliotte did. What he's saying and doing is wrong. If he loved you, he'd respect your boundaries. Talk to someone, and try talking to him. But if talking doesn't work, leaving him would be best. I know it's hard to leave someone you love, but if he's hurting you, he doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve to be hurt. Take care of yourself, and if you need anything, feel free to pm me.


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Re: What is this? - May 5th 2010, 03:06 AM

Thanks guys. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think that he may be depressed. I am going to talk to his family about getting him some help before I leave him. I love him, I am his partner, I know he is unhappy and I dont think its his fault. I just don't feel like I can leave him without getting him the help he needs to be happy. If after that help he is still like this than perhaps I will consider leaving him... but I think that might be a way to proceed. What do you all think?
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Re: What is this? - May 5th 2010, 07:12 AM

Honestly, I don't think he is depressed. Sticking his hands down your pants and demanding sex aren't really signs of depression, they're just standard sexual abuse signs. If he was depressed or something, he should have come to talk to you about it ages ago. So this doesn't really sound like that. He might be unhappy, but that doesn't give him the right to treat you that way. I think you should get him diagnosed by a doctor if you really think there is something wrong with him, but mostly you just need to tell him that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and he needs to stop. And if he doesn't, then you should leave.

The thing is, it isn't enough to say that you'll consider leaving him if he still acts like this in a couple of months. The longer you stay in this relationship, being treated like that, the harder it gets to leave. So starting to distance yourself from him now might be the way to go. I know it sounds terrible, but you need to look after yourself first, before you can look after him.



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Re: What is this? - May 6th 2010, 02:29 AM

I suppose... I just feel like he needs my help, and I would be abandoning him without at least trying this. I mean this is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is my whole world. I just can't walk out on him, and he isn't hurting me really. I guess I don't really feel abused you know? And I can't call it quits before trying everything to make it work...
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Re: What is this? - May 7th 2010, 04:53 AM

Do you actually want to spend your whole life with someone that acts like this? I would suggest that you stop the relationship. True love is kind and considerate. He does not truly love you, he is simply wanting pleasure for himself.


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Re: What is this? - May 8th 2010, 02:01 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThinkerIV View Post
Do you actually want to spend your whole life with someone that acts like this? I would suggest that you stop the relationship. True love is kind and considerate. He does not truly love you, he is simply wanting pleasure for himself.
Most times when people get depressed they fail to consider others, and they dont themselves know what they want. So do what u think is right for him. Therapy... talk to him about it. People have their lows. Its normal. If you two got along before very well... then it's worth fighting for I think. If u hadn't said that though I would just say drop him lol.


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Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.


   
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